A new month and A new Me

Well this was the holiday weekend. And a lot of things transpired. So to bring you up to date, I have been going through mountains of healing lately and this time it was me and my moms relationship that needed help. Growing up my mom was my best friend. She had already laid my brother to rest and had me as her only child. She married my dad when I was 5. Yes my real dad. He was a gambler ladies man, and outdoors type of guy. Never held down a steady job and my mom always had her parents to ask to make up what my dad couldn't provide. She struggled through-out my life trying to keep the lights on and food on the table. But two or three jobs it didn't matter what she had to do she always made sure my needs were met. I was a troubled child. Had no desire to live at all. my mom was always crying or chasing my dad or busy trying to occupy her time so she didn't think about it much. So I taught myself how to heal myself and never understood why I hurt so bad. So I have been trying to figure out why my whole life. I have been a healer since birth. I never understood what that was or why I was the one that was labeled different all the time. Its because I could feel what others were feeling and it hurt just as bad or it made me just as excited. The pain was always following me around like i couldn't let it go. But i also didn't know that is what it was. I didn't know how to release the pain I felt for others or for myself. God reached out and touched me about three years ago and my life hasn't been the same since. My eyes have been so opened I have no clue how I hadn't seen all of this before. And I started to think about how I am a mother now and have morals and standards as my mom had shown me over the years. Yet every single time I seem to be stable, I self destruct and purpose-fully go back to a place of survival. In light of all my experiences mistakes and battles, I finally wanted to confront my mom about the shoes I am suppose to fill as an adult. Do I fill the ones that she brought me up in or the ones she wares now?? Two VERY completely different pairs let me tell you. As I cried and spill my out once again begging for an answer, she once again got mad and began yelling. This reaction has been the same every e--time I have tried to resolve this pain between her and I. Some how and some way, it has always been her telling me that the pain was caused by my own decisions as to why her and I are no longer close like we use to be. We have been more like sisters my whole life. And she always said I was going to out grow her. That she was 21 and holding. Well, she spoke it out loud and thats exactly what happened. She told me of all her pain in life experiences and adventures when we were talking and bonding my whole life. And I noticed that all the pain she had went through I had somehow soaked up in my little body and took it as my mission to fix it for her. I didnt realize it was a thought process and heart pain that needed healing and instead i was finding the same pain in other people in other forms. All these years I honestly had no clue that is what I was doing. Now ever since God demanded my attention and my eyes have been opened, I know see how the flow of energy effect all things. I said to my mom that we were both in the same situation now and it was time to start loving herself again like she has begged me to do for years that i was right here next to her in the same situation and we could do this. It wasnt about me wanting her to be alone or keeping her all to myself. It was about her careing about her again. The same cross roads I am too in. Everyday is a struggle to see a bright future. But I am for sure on a different path and can see the light in places I haven't been able to in years. In the aknowlegement from my mothers words when she said she hadn't cared in years, I knew I had finally gotten through and I instantly said Thank You so very much because thats all I needed to hear to be able to let go of all the pain. I don't think she really understands the weight and signifigance of that statement and what it meant to me. However actions speak louder than words and she has told me good night and she loved me every night since then. Once again I can feel my best friend that I have missed for so long. I know somewhere deep down that the road ahead of both us is full of love and smiles. I will never give up on her and I am so thankful that she isnt giving up on herself.