Angel m Chronister
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A new month and A new Me
Well this was the holiday weekend. And a lot of things transpired. So to bring you up to date, I have been going through mountains of healing lately and this time it was me and my moms relationship that needed help. Growing up my mom was my best friend. She had already laid my brother to rest and had me as her only child. She married my dad when I was 5. Yes my real dad. He was a gambler ladies man, and outdoors type of guy. Never held down a steady job and my mom always had her parents to ask to make up what my dad couldn't provide. She struggled through-out my life trying to keep the lights on and food on the table. But two or three jobs it didn't matter what she had to do she always made sure my needs were met. I was a troubled child. Had no desire to live at all. my mom was always crying or chasing my dad or busy trying to occupy her time so she didn't think about it much. So I taught myself how to heal myself and never understood why I hurt so bad. So I have been trying to figure out why my whole life. I have been a healer since birth. I never understood what that was or why I was the one that was labeled different all the time. Its because I could feel what others were feeling and it hurt just as bad or it made me just as excited. The pain was always following me around like i couldn't let it go. But i also didn't know that is what it was. I didn't know how to release the pain I felt for others or for myself. God reached out and touched me about three years ago and my life hasn't been the same since. My eyes have been so opened I have no clue how I hadn't seen all of this before. And I started to think about how I am a mother now and have morals and standards as my mom had shown me over the years. Yet every single time I seem to be stable, I self destruct and purpose-fully go back to a place of survival. In light of all my experiences mistakes and battles, I finally wanted to confront my mom about the shoes I am suppose to fill as an adult. Do I fill the ones that she brought me up in or the ones she wares now?? Two VERY completely different pairs let me tell you. As I cried and spill my out once again begging for an answer, she once again got mad and began yelling. This reaction has been the same every e--time I have tried to resolve this pain between her and I. Some how and some way, it has always been her telling me that the pain was caused by my own decisions as to why her and I are no longer close like we use to be. We have been more like sisters my whole life. And she always said I was going to out grow her. That she was 21 and holding. Well, she spoke it out loud and thats exactly what happened. She told me of all her pain in life experiences and adventures when we were talking and bonding my whole life. And I noticed that all the pain she had went through I had somehow soaked up in my little body and took it as my mission to fix it for her. I didnt realize it was a thought process and heart pain that needed healing and instead i was finding the same pain in other people in other forms. All these years I honestly had no clue that is what I was doing. Now ever since God demanded my attention and my eyes have been opened, I know see how the flow of energy effect all things. I said to my mom that we were both in the same situation now and it was time to start loving herself again like she has begged me to do for years that i was right here next to her in the same situation and we could do this. It wasnt about me wanting her to be alone or keeping her all to myself. It was about her careing about her again. The same cross roads I am too in. Everyday is a struggle to see a bright future. But I am for sure on a different path and can see the light in places I haven't been able to in years. In the aknowlegement from my mothers words when she said she hadn't cared in years, I knew I had finally gotten through and I instantly said Thank You so very much because thats all I needed to hear to be able to let go of all the pain. I don't think she really understands the weight and signifigance of that statement and what it meant to me. However actions speak louder than words and she has told me good night and she loved me every night since then. Once again I can feel my best friend that I have missed for so long. I know somewhere deep down that the road ahead of both us is full of love and smiles. I will never give up on her and I am so thankful that she isnt giving up on herself.
By Angel m Chronister5 years ago in Motivation
Walk With Me
When I first read the caption of writing about your passion, I started instantly thinking about my walk of life. Ever since I was young I wanted to help and it didn't matter where, how, who or when. It was a deep joy that gave me a feeling I couldn't put into words. An overwhelming happiness and peace so deep its addictive. Currently I am a mother of two teenagers and have countless experiences that this life has given. Some have been blessings and some have been painful lessons. But I always pulled through every time. I have seen many of my friends fall victim to drugs or shootings. And have listened for countless hours to many people who just needed to vent. All anyone has ever wanted was someone to hear them. Someone to help them sort out their personal problems without judgement. I recently starting loving myself again. And let me tell you that was a difficult task to say the least. But in my struggles I have been blessed to have learned many different things that I can now put to use for my true internal passion. Helping Others. Sometimes people get lost in their pain and struggles and feel like they can never feel whole happy or alive again. I feel like its my job to help them through the battle of hopelessness. The healing process of ones soul and whole being is a roller coaster ride that no one should have to ride alone. Being committed and passionate about helping to heal is the best commitment I have ever made to myself. I know I will never be able to help as many as I wish but I can help as many that want to heal. Ultimately my end goal is to start a non-profit organization for children of any kind. This is my desired passion for my children as well as all other children. If I can provide a " forever foundation" for children or families that struggle just to pay bill and survive monthly, weekly, or even daily bases I will be so happy. The out line is this, when I was sixteen if I would have owned a piece of property somewhere, I am sure it would not have mattered. When I was at the age of twenty six i would have wanted to sell it because it would have meant money. And at thirty six I would have appreciated having my own little place to be that no one could tell me that I could no longer be there. No matter if it was a mobile home, a self built one room cabin, or a mansion , it would have been a place to start. No matter where life took me and no matter where I travelled, I always would have a place to start over. The ability to help in so many ways is a dream of mine that I will continue to thrive for daily. Because see my family are wonderful God fearing insightful people. They have all accomplished many things in their lives. My mom was the "black sheep" because she was wild back in the day. She would drink and smoke and even do acid she says. But her heart has always been so pure and bold and many have taken advantage of that. This is something that I will touch on later when I can go into details. I have watched my mother work two and three jobs at one time, trade a can of cigarettes for a can of soup so I could eat. You see, she wouldve done anything for me when in fact all I really needed was HOME. But It has taken me almost five years from the start of my spiritual journey to figure out that my favorite color is blue in search of what home really is to me. So it is my opinion that if I can start something with the ability to help a child or a spirit feel like the struggle of surviving isnt the only thing that life is about, then i want to. If I can truly pull this idea into a reality it can be a foundation built on love care acceptance and honor for people that may not have been as blessed in this life as others.
By Angel m Chronister5 years ago in Humans
