You can't do anything if you're dead

I had a heart attack on Feb. 9, 2018. It scared the crap out of me, but it also annoyed me no end!

I was so busy - doing things for everybody and being everywhere, and - like usual, my day was planned to the max with no wiggle room for delays. Now to top it off, I’m irritable with stress and peeved because things weren’t going my way.

Don’t get me wrong I loved my busy life. It made me feel good to help people. I was in the middle of late-life career path; teaching writing, publishing a book, running a writer’s group, and plenty of social/business meetings.

My to-do list was a mile long, and I certainly didn’t like any interruptions to my busy schedule.

But something wasn’t right.

I had a nagging pain in my collarbone - a pinching sensation. I would get light headed and short of breath. Then there was the dizziness, feeing faint, cold sweats, numb fingers & toes. And the worst was I was ridiculously tired to the point of fatigue.

I had an excuse for every symptom. “I must buy a new pillow, mine has gone flat and causes me to lose sleep.” Or “talking too fast makes me get short of breath.” My symptoms seemed so minor, I thought they would go away.

Unbeknownst to me, that collarbone pain and lightheadedness were common signs of heart attacks in women. Women experience a heart attack differently than men.

Men typically have the “Hollywood” attacks we see in movies. You know the kind: pain in the left arm, clutching the chest, collapsing.

I remember googling my symptoms and Dr. Google told me I was having an anxiety attack.

The day it happened I had a head full of important plans and a long to-do list. I couldn’t wait to start the day. Like most women, I pushed through my discomforts until they all got worse at the same time. That’s when the heart attack came.

Unsure what to do, I called my primary care physician and learned he was out of town. Impatiently I exclaimed, “Well, who is covering for him, who can I see?” The office nurse calmly advised me to either call a cardiologist or go to the emergency room.

“I can’t go to the emergency room! I have too much to do!” I wailed. Her reply haunts me to this day, “You can’t do anything if you’re dead.”

Luckily my cardiologist worked me in (I’d not seen him in ten years) and hooked me up to his EKG machine. He pronounced worriedly, “Susan, you’re having a heart attack right now. You must go to the emergency room.”

Within minutes I was in Tucson Medical Center emergency room and minutes after that, I was in the cardiac “Cath Lab” getting stents in my heart.

I was released four days later with a new outlook on life and a contraption to wear for six weeks called a “defibrillator life vest”. I was determined to follow doctor’s orders: Eat heart healthy, exercise regularly, take my meds faithfully and REMOVE STRESS FROM MY LIFE.

That last one was tough. I had to understand, “what is stress?” For me, it was taking on too much - stretching myself too thin - doing too many things without enough time.

I had to do something to change my life. I decided to create a new normal - a new me.

The OLD me always said yes to everything, never realizing it was causing stress.

The NEW me can say NO to things that will get done without me.

I’m very lucky I didn’t die that day, because now I have A NEW LIFE and a NEW ME.

I’m so grateful God gave me a reality check and a second chance. I discovered that a busy schedule was not the most important thing in my life.

My son Tim said, “Mom, do you think you can relax and “just be”? That made me realize we were created as human “beings” not human “doings”.

It was a hard task, but I gave up all the doing and running around and now try each day to “just be”.

That’s my new mantra, “just be”. Each day my priority is to fill my heart with memories of love, joy, and togetherness with my family and dear friends.

I gave up being “too busy” taking care of everyone and started taking care of ME.