I Am Shakti (Power)

A few days prior to Kajari Teej, which was on August 22, I had been searching for a day to worship Parwati Ma because I have been praying to her husband Lord Shiw.

I wanted to feel the universal divine feminine, Goddess, mother energy. I couldn't find any Parwati-related celebrations online, so why was I getting a nagging feeling to do a dry fast? I had just done a one day dry fast five days prior for a Hindu celebration called Ekadashi. I looked online again to see what Hindu celebrations were coming, and saw that Kajari Teej was only a few days away. I had never heard of it.

Low and behold, a simple Google search presented that it's a day when women, married or single, wake up early, practice a dry fast all day (no food or water), and pray to Parwati Ma for a healthy and successful marriage. I love how God looks out for me, and has me playing detective piecing together clues. It's fun when I decipher the message.

Lord Shiw and Parwati Ma are the perfect couple, in my eyes, and I am often drawn to their story. It makes sense that women pray to Parwati Ma to manifest their ideal partner and a healthy marriage.

In Hinduism, Parwati Ma (Ma is a suffix used for the Goddesses meaning mother) is the embodiment of the universal feminine energy that pervades all things and beings, just as universal masculine energy does in its own way.

This powerful feminine energy is called Shakti in Hindi and is also the Hindi word for power. The universal male and female energies are represented by Lord Shiw and his wife Parwati Ma, and these two energies are referred to as Shiw Shakti. From my understanding, Lord Shiw and Parwati Ma are the feminine and masculine versions of one being.

At times the concept is too complex, so I aim to reach my own understanding of this dynamic duo through meditation.

Women who participate in Karjari Teej get dressed up, put on jewelry, style their hair, etc,. This day of worshipping Parwati Ma brings out the beauty aspect of feminine energy.

I haven't been feeling it lately. I lost a lot of weight during a 40 day water fast recently, and I'm already quite small naturally. I hide my near skeletal body under very baggy sweats.

Fasting is isolating, but even before the fast I only left the house to go to the gym and grocery store. I stay home, write, and work on my healing and spirituality.

Parwati Ma’s celebration put me back in touch with an aspect of my femininity that I had forgotten. I put on a dress, styled my hair, and put on jewelry. I have long-since given up make-up and beauty products, but I felt pretty yesterday, and I haven't felt that in a long time. I’m happy to be pulled out of the rut. Really feeling oneself boosts confidence, and a woman with confidence is a powerful force.

I prepared prasad - auspicious desserts that Hindus offer to the Divine. The last time I did that was a couple Diwali’s ago. I eat foods that are healing for my body, so I created my own versions of traditional prasad.

The morning before the day of the pooja (worship), I prepared by meditating on Parwati’s energy. I wasn’t sure what was going to come through in the meditation, but I made her my intention so that I could feel her energy.

I grappled with my mind to shut up, as usual, and then chanted a Devi (Goddess) mantra.

After awhile I stopped calling forth Shakti because I remembered I am that which I was calling. My chanting slowly turned from calling in Shakti to “I am Shakti.”

The mental shift was tectonic, life changing. I’m part of the universal feminine energy, and that means that I am a powerful individual. I am the energy of creation.

The more I meditated and chanted, the more I remembered my power.

I chose the Kalika Puraan, the story of the Goddess Kali who is a fierce aspect of the universal feminine energy, to read during pooja. The chapters I read gave an account of the universal feminine energy; the magnitude of it; the power of it; the intelligence of it; the creative and destructive force of it.

Feminine energy created all that is in this universe and beyond, and it made me emotional knowing I’m part of it. I am something really big, ancient, potent, and capable of anything.

When I began praying to Lord Shiw, I finally felt protected and safe. However, I do very much feel like I’m addressing a separate entity. Yesterday's pooja left me feeling like Parwati Ma is not separate from me, and I love her for that. She is me. I am Shakti.

A woman’s day of celebrating a feminine deity isn't complete without a moon ritual, and Kajari Teej always falls a few days after a full moon. It was a cloudy night, nary a star in the sky. I sent a manifestation off into the ether, and let it go.

I went to bed carrying the knowledge that I already am the best version of myself. I just need to act like it.

Kajari Teej was a big day.