To be so lonely in your early twenties

Few weeks ago I visited my old campus and ran to a couple of my old friends there. The friends that I knew from campus organization. The friends that I’ve spent my days and nights doing meetings, planning events and hanging out after classes. The friends that I used to be so close with. That day I felt joy just by seeing their faces light up when they saw me. They made me put a smile on my face. Talking about how we wish our other friends were here. That day really brings the old memories back to life. The excited soul inside of a 19 year old Deandra. Right here, right on this campus. The full of energy inside of my old self, the girl that used to be exciting, make friends with lots of people, doing so many things, the passion she lost once she turned 22.

Revisiting my old campus did made me realize how much I have changed since graduating. I started to look at my old videos from my campus days and how much fun I had with my old friends. The way we used to go straight to my friend’s apartment after class every single day, the way we studied accounting until midnight because none of us understood, the way we crack jokes daily, the way I tried my very first cigarette at my friend’s balcony, the way we ran out of money. I used to be so full of life. I used to want to experience life to the fullest. I used to have ambitions. I used to dream big. Looking at those college kids running around campus really reminded me of my old self. The naive teenager who believed she could conquer the world before even setting foot in the real one.

Now, I can’t help but feel sorry for my current self. The one who’s too tired to do anything. The one who thinks that she’s seen enough of life, she doesn’t wanna leave her room. The one who only talks to 2–3 people she’s comfortable with. The one who cutoff many great friendships in her life not because she intended to, but because she doesn’t maintain them very well. The one who does mundane routine every single weekday and doesn’t even wait for the weekend anymore because the weekend is not worth waiting for. The one who rarely feels happy. The one who doesn’t even have the energy to get up and socialize. The one who’s been feeling so lonely in her early twenty.

I wonder when and why my energy shifted, is it just a part of growing up? Because lately I feel like I lost all my ambitions, charm, spirit, and excitement. I feel like I’m not fun anymore. I said no most of the time. I rejected people before I even got to know them. I don’t put effort into maintaining the friendships that I had. I stop trying to fit in. I stop trying to make a good impression. I stop trying to make people love me. I stop trying to prove myself to the world. I stop trying to figure out who I am. I stop trying to find the love of my life. I stop begging to be the footnotes in the story of someone else’s life. I stop trying to prove my point. I stop trying.

I guess it’s just a natural thing that we as humans have to go through when we get older. But until when? When will my life was supposed to start? I’ll turn 24 next month, and it feels like the movie paused instead of playing. Will this be a permanent thing? How long should I wait? Should I even have to wait? Should I start doing something to gain my passion back? Or should I just make myself get used to being so lonely, in my early twenties?