Memories: 27 December 2025

8:08 am

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6:15 pm I cranked up my Smith Little torch to cast silver into my “Sacred Space” ring. It took me a few hours to make the mould in delft clay. Lots of finagling around. Then I didn’t use enough silver so I only got half a ring. Dammit. I wasted all that oxygen and propane gas.

I am low on the oxygen so I think I will wait to make the ring when I have swapped over for a new oxygen bottle. (So I don’t ruin the next attempt by running out of oxygen!)

I am so disappointed this one failed as I was looking forward to making it. I had plenty of silver but because it’s a heavy chunky ring I underestimated the amount required. I will melt ALL my scrap silver next time. Maybe! I need to make some more ingots so there is not going to be any room for wastage.

27 December 2024

From a space of deep love I wish to express gratitude to All That Is/Was/Ever Shall Be, to all manifestations of holiness, whether gods, Angels, Fae, Sentient Physical Beings, or the inanimate (slow vibration) ones.

To my beautiful soulful powerful Magickal friends and cousins. Some who have been in my life for decades, others newly arisen in my life dreaming/stream of consciousness/physical reality/virtual reality. Some I may never meet in person (although I was fortunate to meet “Bomber” Jackie Burns in person a few days ago).

I am grateful for the soul nourishing empowering blessed healing we have been able to gift each other through our various and numerous talents. For the Love! Oh my goddess, the deep, deep, true and at times, awesome and incredibly courageous Love.

You have all been with me on this journey through Life and in particular the last few years when we were all knocked off our disparate perches by something truly dark and malevolent.

But what did we do? Like true warriors of spirit, of heart, of mind, we got up each day and night and forged ahead as though nothing could ever deprive us of whom we are: we lived, we loved, we battled at times, against a machinery of hate that was invidious and conglomerate and globally coordinated.

But we never ceded our souls. Not once. We carried on. We held our heads high. We battled through illnesses afflicted us by their evil machinations.

We held each other in a tight life affirming grip. We never let go, we never forgot whom we truly are. We never ceded, we never quit, we never yielded. We stayed true like glue.

We were anchors in a maelstromic cataclysm that few even realised they were being pitched and tossed like paper boats on the edge of a whirlpool. The ones who knew, who saw through it. Held fast.

Some of us didn’t make it. But they guide us, inspire us, ennoble us every day cos we are all here for a reason, People of Earth. We are needed. We are loved. We are cared for.

We are nourished by the gods who want to see us Become: Better not Bitter. More loving, more courageous, more legendary Kings and Queens of our own Destinies than we ever could have imagined even 5 years ago.

Great spirits, great humans. Mothers, fathers, Brothers, Sisters, Sons, Daughters, cousins, grandchildren. Loyal loving powerful supportive friends. Hell, even a few still ethical, still courageous Doctors.

Together we are a tribe of people who co-create a better safer world. One day at a time. One breath at a time. You know who you are.

I, The Tanya, honour you. Much much love as we depart from 2024 and edge into 2025. It’s going to be great. We will be our best versions of ourselves. We will grow, blossom, evolve, Become.

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I had a lovely visit with my best girl Miss Koko and Robyn and Peter. It’s been a long doggy toothy time since we saw each other. So Miss Koko cleaned my sweaty silversmithing face thoroughly. Kiss-met Well-met! Lol

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Happy Third night of Chanukah. My former mother in law’s jewish birthday. Happy birthday Hilda x. Hope heaven is treating you sweet. 🙂 (I am sure it is!) Shabbat Shalom.

The Tanya will be expressing her full spirituality this evening in her own Shamaniac way…doing the mosh or as much of a mosh as her neck will permit. (sniggers). Love you all.

@Ashley Alexia I am so sorry for your immense loss xxx you are correct…56 is not old, nor is my impending 60. But some of us who have lived very fraught, debilitating, traumatic, destructive lives feel far far more ancient and overburdened at times…way beyond our years.

But I am actually relatively young. I keep my mind active. I dance like a teenager. Actually even harder than most young people these days.

A younger man approached me two Fridays ago. Looked at me…looked at the crowd then went pale and turned to me “Look at the young people, they are all Zombies!” I nodded. Said “Don’t tell them. Let them fight their way back to full vitality like I have had too. I used to be a Zombie too!” He just looked at me in awe.

Back in my Zombie days/daze I never expected to live this long, this triumphantly, this joyously, this courageously.

It’s literally gifted to me by the gods (or for my deeply devout Xtian friends who freak out about my shamanic ways “The Holy One in All manifestations”).

It’s humbling and terrifying and I do struggle with adjusting to my newest version of myself. My latest metamorphosis. But I have learned to trust in it. It’s going to be needed or reach full expression in the future…not sure when/how/or what? But the spirits tell me I have time to achieve the things I wish to achieve.

Time. That is a gift not given to your beautiful mother. And I was never sure I wished to live to older age. I kinda fought that too.

But my psychiatrist kinda manipulated me slightly (the dear!) by saying “What if, Tanya, you lived another 30 years with a beautiful man by your side who truly loves and honours you, what if you get healthy and achieve more. What if you get your “Happy Ever After” just like the faery stories!”

I rolled my eyes…laughingly told him I might have to take him outside his office (our safe sacred therapeutic container) and whoop his arse for encouraging such delusions and fantasies in my mind….but by the gods, hold my Jack Daniel’s…it’s here!

Beautiful soulful friends who See me, Hear me and Love and Support me. My sleep apnoea is starting to improve slightly (which really inspires me and gives me hope!)

So 30 more years on Earth that is not a constant agonising hell loop and shitshow of epic proportions and contortions might just be possible for me …right Now.

My shrink sold me on a faery story but it’s one I am actively choosing to trust in, believe in, make manifest.

Psy sighs. “If onlys” and “what ifs”…happen!

Btw I am so proud of you for your recovery from that significant demon of your past. You are a wonderful human, a loving mother. Keep forging forward, Little One. Keep Astrid and Olivia safe. Stay brave and determined. Believe in yourself. Love the ones who love you nobly and safely and quickly shuck off anyone who does not!

It’s hard, I know. To work out who and what is real in your life. I am still processing that in this moment.

Who really wants me in their life. By heart, soul, mind and body. Gahhh.

But…in time…if the gods allow it…I will find out. True hearts/minds don’t hide in the shadows for long. Or touch me without my permission, or dominate/violate/or control me. (Hence my wry humour telling that man on Friday night that I will not allow him to hug me for 18 months. A woman might change her mind..but move in on her too fast and violate her boundaries and she might just hate you..forfuckingever! JS! lol)

But love…is the law…and I am a prickly little Motherfuckerupper after decades of cumulative abuses.

So lol one day my King will come and know how to bloody well Behave!

Or by then I will have evolved or transitioned beyond the point of even wanting a partner. It could go either way.

In the meantime, I stay in love with my beautiful friends who encourage/motivate/support me, Who give and receive hugs to/from me cos they have proven over time to be good kind honouring men and women!

I stay in love with my gods, our earth. With my own silly older self, dreaming her ever-manifesting Fibonacci unfurling psychedelic dreaming.

I literally have nothing left to lose and much to gain by holding my line, in tandem with the Divine, while remaining sanguine and sublime. And just…keep…dancing. Writing, living each day…no matter what/no matter who… in peace, in joy, in as much safety as I can manage to gift myself. In truth. In integrity. In better health. In Magick, In delight. In creativity.

It’s powerful but beautiful…I think.

The “Zombie” who once shuffled and drooled with Parkinsonian symptoms from hefty psych meds is now a Warrior Goddess Queen of her own Destiny, healing, triumphant revivification.

The Little girl that many many many tried to kill has survived against all the odds and noone ever everrr better dare to ever destroy me again.

But inside my soul…I am still the same spirit I was as a young child. It’s eternal…that spirit. So protect it. Nurture it. Trust in its own innate “knowing”…its own Timing.

Be prepared to “let go” of all societal or preconceived ideas of who you are or who you should be or what you should be doing. Love yourself enough to grow stronger each and every day. Then learn to ride through life like a chariot rider. Take no prisoners but suffer no lacklustre arrant vicious fools either.

Ride and ride, until exhausted and knock kneed, you get off the Nameless spectral horse and have a good belly laugh at how far you came to only be still in the very same “spot”.

Plus ca change, plus c’est la meme chose

The more things change the more they stay the same.

Miss Five: my fierce wild inner child spirit…knew best after all. So be happy Ashley Alexia. Play with your kids. Play with your own Blossoming.

Become!

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This bead just needs a final polishing and tonight it will be gifted to my friend. Woot! #sowilo #sun

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Yippy yi yo! Here we go…The Alter Egos and “The Tanya” .

27 December 2022

Last night Crystal and Jarrod and I went through almost all my children’s artworks that I had carefully preserved for 35 years. We threw most of them out but I kept a few items that were sentimental only to me. I still have larger paintings tucked behind a wardrobe that Crystal needs to go through. I suspect most will be thrown out too.

She told me it was insane of me to cherish and safeguard them all these decades. I agreed it was. But each tiny artwork I curated no matter how Scribbly or abstract was precious to me, as my own mother had desecrated my artworks and stories that I wrote and would summarily throw them in the rubbish bin, slapping her hands with triumph and contempt…and so she eroded my innate gleanings, my joy in my own creativity and prevented me from blossoming into my talents (however negligible they might be) right up until very recent years when my spirit finally declared its own authority and recognised my need to blossom out in all my undertakings, no matter how trivial or ridiculous.

It took me over five decades to simply become.

We also went through Jasmine’s little books and diaries she wrote as a young child. Another literary goldene Medina I carefully safeguarded and preserved.

Crystal is going to post them to Jasmine but she told me that Jasmine is not the least bit sentimental about her childhood so would probably not even want them (or care!)

I nodded. My own mothering was a creativity that was spurned and negated and outright rejected by the time Jasmine turned 13.

My serious and life threatening mental health issues brought on by venal attacks from former lovers and their families and their cohorts, had Jasmine decide that I was a failure, a loser and a monster with my inability to succeed at work, or to maintain equilibrium, or gain wealth or to sustain sane nurturing relationships because of cumulative trauma.

Instead of deep love, compassion or kindness towards me her mother, she showed me only fetid hatred and contempt. When I attempted suicide (the first time) she told me to finish the job and later after my hysterectomy, her viciousness was a work of such abject horror that I foundered in the shadowlands of death for more years than I deserved.

So Crystal will return her stories to her, and my home and garden will be free of residual energies and enmities from one I gathered together from within my very own loins and once again… I will “Let go, let love” and turn that monstrous love that was spurned, neglected and rejected for over two decades into a pristine sanguine blossoming Fibonacci spiral of epic fucking glory such that my younger daughter will never know, recognise or behold, or even respect.

C’est la vie. This is what happens when you marry monsters and when you are spawned by them too. But the trauma is mine to carry or bury deep or ride like a mustang mare in the darkest most tragic storms of my life and when I get down off that splendid hell horse, sweaty, knock kneed, bandy legged and exhausted, I will know it was a hell of ride but no one can take away the gifts the gods surrendered to me in great joy and blessing because I paid the price and danced with Kali Ma and floated across the River Styx and flipped coins of fate with the ferry man…which is a fucking anomaly: as everyone knows one is never supposed to come back from that last boat ride.

So hail to the Holy one in all manifestations. May He heal my daughter Jasmine who hated her loser mother who could not get up and out of that hellscape during her childhood, and heal all my Beloveds who see me and shake their heads, and wring their hands and avert their eyes, because I am not like other mortals and the Becoming came so very very late.

Now that I am old, and my joints seize up and my heart sings a strange song and a melody and language I don’t always comprehend myself because survival against all odds bears strange fruits and even stranger convocations and so it is and I must love the latest version of me that looks out of my fleshsuit with ancient eyes and holds my Love precious.

It’s insane. Yes it is. But there is great art and beauty yet to be untapped.

Go with the flow. From evil desecrated shit to spiritual gold. The yin and the yang, until I reach my zero point energy, my primal entry point into the Void where ultimately I (my soul!) shall begin again.

The power of a woman, a mother, a daughter in full alignment? Wondrous and terrifying. 🙂

27 December 2021

Yesterday I had a fabulous time with Jarrod and Crystal yesterday. We ate like kings! Crystal gave me a pair of beautiful mushroom earrings and a glow in the dark incense holder that she had made. Gorgeous!

Jarrod gave me a beautiful lantern with a pomegranate candle. I feel very spoilt!

We drank lots of fruity lexia wine mixed with soda water. Crystal brought over a bottle of spiced rum with mango and pineapple flavouring which was delicious! So we had a few drinks of that.

I hadn’t had any alcohol in months so started to feel a bit “under the weather” not drunk but altered lol. So I took Bobo for a short walk to clear my meridians.

Afterwards we all sat outside on the grass, and breathed the joy that is my garden.

I feel so blessed and grateful to have this garden and my beautiful friends, family and Charley and Beauregard.

I am sitting outside under a tree and it has just started raining. Charley has marched across the lawns to get to me. (She was sitting on the pots outside my back door!)

We are eating leftover trifle! I am drinking a mug of tea. Life is pretty good! 🙂

27 December 2020

Just saw 1:11 pm. Angels numbers synchronously reminding me to pay attention to current and new blessings.

Asking me to let go of old trauma histories and negative people. Shine bright like a diamond that was formed under too much pressure.

Let the dross that does not serve me or our planet sink into the sea of darkness from which it came. It claws at me but I twirl just beyond its grasp. No longer cocooned by fetid ancient hatreds and others’ envy and spite.

The butterfly has broken free. She will find a way to fly before she fries!

Lyn Sloane: I appreciate the "messages" I get accompanied by a physical "feeling" from the universe, whatever they are called. By the fact there is a communication beyond the everyday life reminds me that I am important enough for that to occur and that I'm trusted with the information. With all the chaos in the world today, it leaves me with a trust that somehow steadies my little ship when it's tossed on that great wide ocean of life's elements and I've forgotten the importance of remembering that I'm not alone - there's a greater power close by.

Megan Phillips: yes, a good awakening and realization...cut away the cocoon

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1:52 am. Unable to sleep. (Which is weird as I am quite exhausted!). I feel like I am about to enter a huge change in life circumstances. No idea what as yet.

I have loved witnessing my own blossoming into my creativity in the second half of this year. Perhaps I might bring forth more awesomeness in 2021.

I have been blessed with so much incredible love and support from Sally and Lyn and Peter, Jarrod and my daughter Crystal. My beautiful pets. New amazing friends I have made in my neighbourhood (Covid drew us together as a community).

I said goodbye to too many people I had trusted and cared for in the past 12 months but real friends remain in my inner circle and on Facebook.

Grateful Blessed Happy Woman here 🙂

Who knows? One day the gods might even let me have a life partner! Someone worthy of my fire, resilience and stoicism. Someone unafraid to love me completely. Someone loyal and faithful and decent.

But it’s a too hard basket and in the meantime this life of the Tanya has been carefully protected and nurtured by good and true friends. So that is more than enough for me.

Love you all. Laila Tov. I must wrest some sleep from my over-activated brain. But...happiness is the greatest gift I ever received from Life and the Angels. Xxxx

27 December 2019

9:35 am A love letter from the fringe

Dear Tanya

My love for you is eternal. I want to lie in bed with you in the cool of the evening and feel your heat smoulder from the depths of your soul. I want to dive inside your mind and watch the steam arise as all those miraculous quirky funny thought processes flow from neuron to synapse and fire up the intense beauty that is you.

I want to be with you when you smile and laugh and lay down your warrior goddess sword because your ancient trauma and griefs no longer slay me with terror and I want you to know that you are deeply held, protected and safe with me. You and your astonishing gift of a heart.

I know I have run from you, terrified of my inability to man up and gift you a sense of connection and peace. But I have grown now. I am almost ready to fight my way back to you but you need to be ready to accept my new reality.

I know you feel me in the ether. Hear my breath in the wind. See me in your dreaming. Scream me in your streaming consciousness that calls me out of time and space. And I run and run and quaver like a jellyfish on acid and you just smile and wait....

Patience conferred on you by saboteurs and ignoble gimps because you too, had to grow back your own heart.

The patience of Jonah about to be vomited up by the whale on dry fresh land and be welcomed home to Love.

My dear sweet Woman. Daughter of the gods. Alone on storm-tossed seas of fate. You did this! Cleaved to your God and your Man. Held true to your beautiful friends who kept you alive and held you precious when no lover man could honour you accordingly.

The fuck and the feast. Incredible Beast. But the right man knows his Queen when he Sees her. He won’t fuck it up this time. Lay down your anger, your pain.

I know you have felt like you are dying and its been a scary year. We too, clutched at you and twirled you and cast you back to earth to land as you often do Pussycat, back on your feet! We love you THAT much.

To gift you more time for your quest for a true loving Beloved. (Giggles!). And so they came. To find you at drumming and still don’t get it...but the beating of the heart and the pounding on that drum and the red red road we placed you on...calls him home. All his little games unravelling in the naked burning fire in your eyesssss, Little One.

No human lover treated you with honour or decency but you have been loved immensely by your dearest friends. They hold you precious and lift you up when once again some useless dumb Fuck tries to break you.

Remember that love that is wholesome and unconditional. How hard it is to keep you Alive, Tanya after all the horror that surrounded you and the effects it had on your mind and spirit.

Now head up, shoulders back, sultry sensitive eyes forward, wiggle that arse, laugh in the face of their derision and culpable weakness: LOVE IS THE LAW. You can take off the training wheels on that bicycle that got stuck on one track to misery and climb....higher and higher.

See you when you get here.

I will meet you halfway. But not today!

Love always

(Insert name here)

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11:11 am. Holy holy holy...kadosh kadosh kadosh. Nu? What’s new? Nothing under the eclipsing sun. Rise and shine. Embrace your own Divine. Sublime in the sunshine of our glory days.

Holding each other precious. Gifts from the gods. Rain and wind and exponential growth in my Sacred Garden. (Lawn needs mowing again....crapola....but good for the earth! Blossoming in perpetuity while Mama T sits and dwells and plotzes in her own pernicious obstreperous obscurity).

Life is good. Fruitcake for breakfast for this little hanging-between-the-Sephirot “Fruitbat”. I need more sleep. Exhausted. But content with my lot.

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Jarrod and I were really amused by Charlie yesterday. He had a rainbow lorikeet visitor and an Indian Minor visitor up high in the tree with yellow flowers. He was twitterpated and terrified. The other lorikeet kept an eye on him and seemed to really fancy him.

My boy! My flightless, almost featherless (he has plucked out all his blue feathers -anathema to the colour blue and looks grey and bedraggled from the chest down!) has attracted a potential mate! So that’s why I have been having trouble getting him to climb down from that tree for the past three days!

But yesterday he got so excited he fell (plop!) into the bromeliads. Jarrod bade me pick him up so he would not get scratched by their tiny sharp thorns.

We had to laugh as Charlie smooched up to his Mama T, so grateful to be away from his ardent stalker kin!

The wild stalker bird watched from the foliage above and stayed a long time. Fascinated by our crazy little Charlie bird who prefers his human mother to any of his own species. Hilarious!

I told Charlie he was very silly and could have “hooked up” by now! Jarrod laughed and said “there you go again, matchmaking your ‘kids’ and putting pressure on them to find mates!” It’s like a family tradition or really bad programming! I had to laugh. What is this obsession with finding true love partners? It’s just absurdly whimsical and often fruitless.

It’s about survival, of course. And in my last phase of life about having companionship, sex/romance/passion and someone to have my back! Hmmmm.

Like my bird, I am a bit featherless, a bit twitterpated (or rather a twit!) but prefer my freedom and my “Mother” Gaia, my true friends who have demonstrated over the decades that they really do love me. It seems pointless to throw that all aside for some frenzied copulating Frottering that goes nowhere but downhill to Despair!

Charlie is right! Smart bird!

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1:11 pm hmmmm more 11ses. Be ready Tanya...incominggggg! I ask my angels to protect me from any more witless foul pathetic false nitwits. I gild my heart with kinstugied spiritual gold and gird and tighten up my spiritual chastity belt made from the foreskins of Philistines. 😉

Funny thought. Imagine an actual belt of phallusy foreskins dripping off my stolid womanly hips and thighs.

Get back in your box Lilith you are Messing with my sexual power!!!! Hahaha.

She replies “I know my Beloved, but crispy and chewy for the Fooey!”

The Tanya rolls her eyes. (I don’t know how to slap an earth mother goddess of primordial lust and etheric stardust up the side of her head!)

Be good to me Momma...I am only a human woman after all...

(Screaming laughter from Malchut to Tiferet.)

Psy sighs...back to the Dreaming...

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I highly recommend watching “Years and years”. Fabulous show. “I AM LOVE!”

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27 December 2018

This year has been one of the most powerful of my life. I knew it would be as it was an 11 year and matches my energy.

There were much turbulent emotions. Welcoming back my daughter on January 3, then on Xmas eve, having to cut her out of my life. Losing a close friend also.

Many other friends during the year but they were superficial, false, competitive psychic vampires so no regrets there.

I watched an old lover start to haunt me (in the physical) and got my heart torn open again, high hopes. Silly really. As soon as he started circling my orbit, my remnant family deserted me.

So who shall stand with me into the new year and any years left allotted me? Myself of course. Stand alone. Proud and happy. My survival. Took no prisoners and brooked no nasty vapid fools.

I am slip sliding into 2019 with nothing short of Stoicism. A heart like a heavy stone on my chest but a flowering nascent hope that real love will find me and keep me precious and nourish and nurture me enough to enjoy my last years/months or whatever.

I salute the gods who tune into my reality show and tweak me a bit. A kick and a kiss. Throw me back into the fray, my days simmering in the shimmering mirage of heat and love and power, watching everything go to hell as I overcome my own trivial pointless existence yet again.

I am happy with myself and who I am.

Update 27 Dec 2019: Same shit at the end of 2019. But once again I feel happy this morning. Nurtured by my closest friends who love me and blow life back into my willo’wisp soul. Love you!!!

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27 December 2017

7 dayysss... until Crystal returns to Brisbane. The acceleration of time slipping sideways through my breath. Not long to go now.

I wonder how she will find me? I have been through so many changes since she was gone. Crystal will be greatly changed by her European experiences. I just want to sit and stare at her for a long while. A luxury!

But as is the fate of mothers everywhere...I will be waitinggggg until she feels ready to come to me.

Psy Sighs.

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Lol I commented on a friend’s page this morning, saying “Kabbalistically speaking...”. Now I am being inundated with Kabbalah spam and have been sharing some of my most favourite wisdoms. I just realised I have been Spamming all my friends with Kabbalah as well.

Oops sorry! It is the time of year when we all go into spiritual overdrive! Forgive me!

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Very sad news. My friend’s beautiful old dog, Puppy, passed away this morning.

Vale Puppy. May you find peace and joy across the rainbow bridge, beautiful girl. You were the epitome of Love.

Me: One of my Beloveds!

Jarrod Nielsen: So sorry to hear. This is the dog who opened my heart to owning a dog of my own. Wasn't long after meeting her that I adopted my Harvey

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Thank you Jarrod for the beautiful day yesterday. I loved the turkey roll and potato salad and coleslaw! I loved the hamper you gifted me and Beauregard really liked the ball that Harvey gave him.

Most of all I loved our time, literally hanging out together under the tree. It was so lovely and cool after the storm blew through.

It was such a relaxing and happy day (in spite of my many and varied mood swings). You are wonderful friend to tolerate the epic uniqueness of The Tanya vibe after so many years. I have been blessed in having gorgeous friends that love me in this life. Xxx

27 December 2016

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Eating the amazing gluten free trifle that Jarrod made for me for breakfast. Bliss!

Julie Goddard: Trifle for breakfast ? lmao yummy

Me: Yes Julie that is how I roll!

Jarrod Nielsen: Just for the record, yes, I made the trifle, but did not make the trifle FOR breakfast.... Lol

Me: Jarrod KNOWS I EAT DESSERTS FOR BREKKIE. He is my Enabler.

27 December 2014

I have slept all day, recovering from the days of heat.

Time to go out and dance!!! Need to move my body!

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I watched “Transcendence” and am now watching "The cars that ate Paris". Both suggested to me by Peter.

It is stifling hot in my house. I can't wait for tomorrow's storm to break up the sultry heat!

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27 December 2012

I've had a nice day! Quiet but pleasant. Made a nice chicken salad for dinner. Yum! I feel like going out but will save myself for Sat or NYE. That's if I end up going out NYE after all!

27 December 2011

I've had a very blah day...slept until 1.30pm, went with Gail to get my script filled, came straight home, watched tv, just woke up from a snooze in front of tv. I wonder when I will stop being so bloody tired? Oh well, there's always tomorrow!

27 December 2009

We've had lots of lovely rain emitting direct from the heavens but, oy....the humidity. I feel like a worn out dish rag. Look just as bedraggled too. What can I say, Living la Vida Loca in the Sub-Tropics. I wish I had air-conditioning!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons