White House Doctor's Confirm Donald Trump Dying of Evil

White House Doctors confirmed today what many have long suspected, President of the United States Donald Trump is dying of evil. The disease is terminal, and there are no treatments and no cure. At a press conference surrounded by global media, white house chief medical officer Dr. Timothy Stephens, read a prepared statement saying. “It is with great sadness that we are prepared to announce today we have finally converged on a diagnosis for the mysterious illness that has plagued President Trump for much of his life, but recently turned much more serious. We had initially suspected frontotemporal dementia as the most likely cause based on his symptology which appeared to align closely with the seven stages of that disease. As a reminder that disease begins with mild cognitive changes followed by changes in behavior and difficulty with language. At that point the patient begins to see a greater impact on quality of life and personality changes. In the final stages we see significant memory loss followed by severe cognitive decline. President Trump’s early symptoms such as chronic incontinence requiring him to wear a urinary catheter and urine collecting bag running down the side of his leg at all times while in public, along with his strangely stilted manner of standing and walking, and ever more frequent non sensical incoherent ramblings all supported the hypothesis of frontotemporal dementia as the disease from which he has suffered for so long now.

Recently however more ominous symptoms emerged that caused us to revise our diagnosis. Specifically, the greying of the back of his hands and finger nail beds, chronic swollen hands and ankles, and the appearance of strange cryptic symbols etched in blood across many parts of his body which are exact reproductions of those found in the occult book the Necronomicon. The symbols refer to an entity known as Yog-Sothoth. Born of the Nameless Mist, progenitor of Cthulhu, Hastur the Unspeakable, and the ancestor of the Voormior. According to legend Yog-Sothoth is the Outer God of gates, space, and time. Many believe he is the most powerful and enigmatic deities of the Great Beyond, and he is said to be a terrible, self-aware manifestation of the Dimension of Time, or even the Dark Tapestry itself. Obviously we cannot be certain that Yog-Sogthoth or any Cthulian entity is responsible for the President’s current condition, but we are absolutely convinced that great and terrible evil is the correct diagnosis.

In hindsight perhaps we should have realized this earlier. It is easy to second guess. With the blood of close to a million Palestinians from starvation and dehydration including almost a half million children on his hands, evil would have seemed to be a logical diagnosis. However, like all people medical doctors are impacted by biases and we had hoped for another explanation. We failed to apply the lessons of Occam’s Razor in this case which tells us "the most obvious answer is usually right" and instead searched for a more complex and nuanced result which might allow us to escape the deep guilt we feel over having elected as our President what has now been clearly revealed as an awful and truly evil person.” With that Dr. Stephens bowed his head, backed away slowly from the podium, turned and walked away.