Trump’s Abduction Top 10 List

Rich people have personal chefs.

American Presidents have personal kidnap squads.

Or, in a government euphemism, extraordinary rendition teams — Navy SEALs, Delta Force, FBI, and CIA Special Ops — armed groups whose mission is to capture anyone the President asks for.

Operation Absolute Resolve

Objective: the capture of Nicholas Maduro to parade as a war trophy in the streets of New York City. And then steal his oil.

Result: Delta Force, backed by 150 aircraft, successfully kidnapped a minor strongman in Caracas Venezuela.

“Maduro! What a loser. I held the best POW parade ever.”

A source inside the White House has leaked that Maduro was just the start, and Trump is already looking hunting for his next trophy.

Memo from Suzy Wily:

The most incredible boss in the world deserves the best first lady. After his Second Inauguration, Melania’s scowl grew wider and her hat brim tipped lower.

Target: A classy, elegant woman — preferably already trained in First Lady skills.

Trump has a documented history with Eastern European women:

• Ivanka Zelníčková (Czech Republic)
• Melanija Knavs (Slovenia)

He is also open to stealing (or sharing) someone else’s girlfriend or wife — ideally one whose husband is frequently away on business.

On a dark, cloudy Thursday, cold wind in his hair, a CIA case officer disguised as a gay hairdresser saunters down a wide boulevard in an Eastern European capital. The target’s husband is away in Paris meeting Emmanuel Macron, so she opens the door. He introduces himself as photographer for Vogue Magazine, then invites Olena Zelenksa to a photoshoot in Washington, one she can’t refuse.

“Melania’s great, don’t get me wrong, but this one’s younger, classier, tremendous bone structure. People are saying I deserve the best.”

Operation Macho

Black masks hide the ICE team’s nervousness. Every kidnapping could be the one that goes wrong.

At 3 a.m., while San Diego sleeps, they reach the target’s door and hear the thump of a familiar pop song inside.

“Breach!” the squad leader calls out.

An explosive charge flashes, the door explodes inward, and the paramilitary team rushes in. Spotting a man with dark skin tone practicing flamboyant dance moves in an LAPD cop uniform in front of the TV, the first agent shouts:

“Illegal immigrant !”

Two officers wrestle him to the shag carpet, toss aside his plastic gun and handcuffs, and haul him out. Victor Willis, original lead singer of the Village People, is transported to Mar-a-Lago to perform “YMCA” on demand whenever Trump needs lighter entertainment than another Maduro torture session.

Operation Appentice

The first thing that hits SEAL Team 6 is the aroma of cinnamon, pastry, and glaze. The operators haven’t eaten in 36 hours after parachuting into Welford Park, Berkshire. Their stomachs growl.

“Bakers, bake!”

booms a voice from the surrounded television studio.

Marco Rubio, U.S. Secretary of State and guest judge, leads the target to a restroom. “What is this aroma?” Marco asks, holding out a handkerchief.

The target leans in. Marco presses the chloroform-soaked rag to his face. Paul Hollywood topples unconscious.

SEALs rush in — triggers taped to the off position to prevent yet another “unarmed man” incident — and slip Hollywood into a (very large) diplomatic pouch at the U.S. embassy for shipment to Mar-a-Lago.

“He’s a tough judge, but I’m tougher. We’ll do ‘The Apprentice: Baking Edition.’ in Florida. I fire the soggy bottoms.”

Operation Thanksgiving

The President loves strongmen with nuclear weapons — Kim Jung-Un, Vladmir Putin, Netanyahu. True Bromance material.

A strongman without nuclear weapons? A complete joke.

The FBI special agents trained in hostage negotation board the helicopter in Incirulik Airbase at 4:15am. They arrive in an hour. They rappel down onto the roof of the foreign national’s presidential palace. The FBI doesn’t need know-it all Ivy League educated CIA agents to locate this target.

A short strongman lives in a big house.

Creeping silently to his bedroom, they find him sleeping alone. Under his sheets, the foreign leader stirs and mumbles “Allah Akbar!”.

The FBI hostage negotiator replies in a thick Texas accent:

“No sir, it’s ‘Trump Akbar’ from now on.”

Recep Erdogan opens his eyes, slowly coming to realize what’s happening. The FBI agent from Texas reassures him,

“Don’t worry — they have falafel at Mar-a-Lago, and you’ll be making it.”

Operation Yuge Rager

Even Trump knows his Mar-a-Lago parties are lame.

With guests like 80-year-old Miriam Adelson and Marco Rubio (resting bitch face), no one’s dancing. It’s not like the good old Studio 54 days with Jeffrey Epstein.

To attract the cool kids, Trump needs to grab the attention of Gen Z.

Three elite teams positioned around the world spring into action:

• France: In a cafe of handsome short men with big hair, two Secret Service agents spot Timothee Chalamet and throw him to the ground, confirming his identity with a retinal scan before whisking him away to a waiting Honda.
• London: a 6"2" blond CIA agent whisphers “You’ll never be James Bond”, in Idris Elba’s ear then hand cuffs him and pushes him into a waiting white delivery man.
• Seoul, Korea: a crowd of obsessed fans storm a concert stage, pushing their target out toward a back door where the Delta Force is waiting. “BTS is ours!” they shout.

The Operation That Got Away

The White House abduction team was planning to do something BIG for Trump on his 80th birthday June 14th.

Boyce, White House Senior Head of Abductions, remembered Trump saying one athlete was3

“the GREATEST player!! What an incredible guy, not only as an athlete, but as a person. You don’t get any better!”

A Delta force team laden with AR-15 and grenade launchers storms the soccer field in Riyadh to apprehend the world’s greatest soccer player,.

They couldn’t match Cristiano Ronaldo speed in the mid-field.

Lessons Learned: Find someone slower.

Operation Most Bombs Served

Trump is jealous of a leader who has dropped more bombs and killed more journalists than he has.

Delta Force waits in his capital city.

“Royal treatment only — no zip-ties.”

On his way to meet his 17th wife, the NSA hacks the target’s Roayl iPhone19, and tricks him to driving straight to a safe house and into the hands of Delta.

Mohammed bin Salman (MBS) becomes Trump’s first luxury bromance Royal hostage. Endless oil for Trump’s deep fryers. Parties which now feature camel races on the South Lawn.

“Strong leader, 17 wives, smart!”

Trump praises MBS lavishly on the golf course during their daily round; with a Segway equipped Secret Service team always ready in case he runs.

Phase II — Planned FY2027

• Operation Fountain of Youth: Kidnap █ █ █ █ for his anti-aging blueprint.
• Operation Chart-Topper: Grab █ █ █ █ █ mid-concert with a giant claw machine for private performances.
• Operation Golden Arches: Infiltrate █ █ █ █ █ █ █s HQ in Chicago to steal the Filet-O-Fish recipe forever.

“█ █ █ █ █ █ APPROVED — DJT”

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SATIRICAL DISCLAIMER: This article is satirical fiction. No world leaders, celebrities, bakers, K-pop stars, or soccer legends have been (or will be) kidnapped by Delta Force, CIA hairdressers, ICE raids, or diplomatic pouches.

Mar-a-Lago has no dungeon, soggy-bottom torture wing, or on-demand YMCA singer; and the Filet-O-Fish recipe remains mercifully un-stolen. Any resemblance to real people, plans, or events is entirely coincidental. Relax — you’re safe (probably).