Total Transparency

Being transgender is a battle. Never knowing how the day could turn out for you, can be a scary thing. I started out on my transitional journey back in April of 2018. I was excited, knowing that one, I would be the woman that I felt I was inside. Which ever since I was young, I knew that something about myself was off. I know a lot of people say that kids that came out as gay played with dolls, make-up, heels, and jewelry. I however, was a completely different story. My mom told me that I would go out of my way to be a little girl. She told me that raising me was like raising another daughter. Which when she told me, I could do nothing but smile. Life for me was not simple. My sister, was the blessed child. She got whatever she wanted. I was mostly an outcast. My dad would get mad when my mom done anything for me. My family just seen me as odd and strange. I didn't make perfect grades, I didn't have a lot of friends, and I was not the best looking little boy in school. I ended up leaving school when I was only sixteen. I worked a job, and started trying to live the best way I could. I was not happy, but I had to learn to support myself. That was when I let my did talk me into joining the military. I did love the military. I met the love of my life there. Andrew Myles Clark, was a man after my own heart. We were together for five years. I had served my time, but Andrew had decided to stay enlisted in the Army. I was proud, and concerned at the same time. On July 17th, 2014, I had received a call from Andrew's mother. His vehicle had ran into an I.E.D. Him and his battle buddies were killed. I felt devastated. I felt as if my world had ended.

After Andrew's death, I hit a major rebellion. I started doing drugs, going in and out of jail, and just shut off society. I even went as far as being sent to prison. To me that was nothing. All I could think about was Andrew. I kind of felt like Bella did "Twilight". When I would put myself in danger, I felt as if I could feel his presence. I knew it was in my head, but I swear I could feel him with me. I never wanted to feel without him. He used to always tell me that I would make a wonder wife. He viewed me as a woman. He loved me as a woman. He protected me as I were a woman. I knew on the inside that I was a woman.

The rebellion started calming down, and I got clean. I have moved to a new town in Alabama, to start fresh. I got into church, I was working, and I had my own place. I felt as if I was living the dream. I was not rich, but I made myself an over comer. I tried to move on from the past, but of course, Andrew remained. I still stayed strong. I would have dinner with Andrew's family every Sunday after church. I knew that his family cared for me, as if I were own of their own. I started speaking to Andrew's mother about moving. I couldn't stand to live in Alabama anymore. It was hard for me not to imagine Andrew. She had told me that she would hate to see me leave, but she wanted what was best for me. So I spoke to a few friends, and we had started doing some research. We wanted to find somewhere I could afford. Everything seem to be set until I got a call from Andrew's mom. She sounded as if she had seen a ghost. She told me to come over immediately. I rushed over, and she was pale white. She told me that she heard Andrew as clear as day speak to her, and that she felt him leading her to his room. At this point, she had never went in and cleaned out his room. However, she felt the need to, and wanted me there with her.

When we started cleaning the room, you could feel him. His presence was so strong in the room. We cleaned and we separated for hours. I remember seeing a small shiny object near the edge of the bed. So, I look underneath. There was a beautiful light blue box, with a picture of him and I. I started crying right then of course. I didn't know that he had that picture, but that was not even the moment that utterly rocked my whole world. There was a card. He had recalled a conversation that we had that stated I would make the most perfect wife. We had spoken about the fact that I was transgender. He honestly loved that conversation. He always called me 'She Devil" after that. At least I was his she devil. What happened next literally floored me to the pits of the earth. His mom wanted me to open the box. So I slowly opened this box, and I screamed. There was another hand written letter sitting there. It was post dated for what would have been our sixth anniversary. Inside that beautiful blue box, was a letter, a little black, and the most gorgeous purple gown. He loved the color purple. I held it so close to me. I never wanted to let go. I wanted to stay frozen in time. I read the letter, and I began to realize, that he wanted me to be his perfect wife. He wanted to move to Los Angeles where I could start my transition, and we could get married, and have our happily ever after. I sunk, and my insides felt like mush. I felt like I had failed him somehow. I tried to give the ring to his mother, but she told it was mine. He had bought it, and meant it for me to have. When I opened that little black box, I almost fainted. It was a gorgeous engagement ring. I never felt such heartache. I felt the chances of love and happiness fade away. However, I knew I had to make him proud. He thought so much of me to the point, that he wanted to get married.

His mother and I talked for several hours to hatch a plan to commit to his memory. I was scared to death, but I knew it was what he would have wanted. I decided that I would move to Los Angeles and start my transition. Once my transition is completed, I will take the last name Clark. When I do get married, it will be a hyphenated name. I would be able to live the life he wanted me to have. So I started getting things done, and set a date to move. However, some church members thought I should leave sooner. I had planned a get together with some friends to say goodbye. Some of the patrons that were eating in the restaurant didn't like us being in there. When the time came for us to leave, we were met outside by some very rude men. They wanted to call us faggots, along with many other names. They kept coming closer. A few of us informed the men that if they came closer, that we would have no choice other than to defend ourselves. So they kept coming closer, and when I leaned down to set my bags down, a man knees me in the face. It was so bad that I could not get back up. I knew that that was the universe telling me that it was time to go. So I got a hold of Andrew's mother and told her what happened. She moved me in with her until I was able to travel. She paid for my tickets, and got me on my way. I left home and set out to live the life that Andrew wanted me to have. I was excited and nervous on the entire trip. When I finally made it to Los Angeles, I was able to see some sights, and then it was time to get down to business. I was able to get with the Trans Wellness Center, and the TransLatina Coalition. They were able to help get into a safe place to stay while I got used to the life changes in Los Angeles. I was started on my hormones, and was able to start living life as the 'She Devil" Andrew wanted me to be. I become a force in the trans community. I was able to help so many other trans women start their walks as well. I felt alive.

I have been hormones for almost two years now. I have been having a little work done here and there, but I want to stay as natural as possible. I still have the purple gown that Andrew had given me. I still have the ring as well. I know that one day, I will be able to pay it forward to another lucky trans woman whose dreams are coming true. I am still a work in progress, but I stay true to myself, and to who Andrew wanted me to be. I am happy that I was able to gain a life where know I can see with total transparency.

*Note:

I know that a lot of people look down on people that are transgender. However, we are human beings that deserve to be loved. We cannot help how we feel. We are able to love, help, teach, fight, lead, and so much more. If you do not know much about trans individuals, I encourage you to learn. You do not have to agree with us, but we do deserve to be treated a human.

I want to thank you for taking your time to read my story. Please be sure to leave some feedback. I am a little new to the writing scene. I want to wish everyone Happy Holidays, and Merry Christmas.