humor
"Humor is what binds humans together and makes difficult times just a little less painful; Sometimes you can't help but laugh. "
Gas Station Milk Bath
Gas stations: I hate them. I will wait until my tank is on ‘E’ before I will go fill up, not for any political or ideological reasons, nor due to any superstition or laziness, but because when I was nine years old, I was covered head to toe in gasoline outside of a Shell station. Here’s the story… Mom decided today I was on ‘Gas Pump Duty’, a title I was eager, yet hesitant to take on, as she went inside to purchase her two cartons of “Virginia Slims”, as was her bi-weekly tradition. She got started with all the ‘heavy lifting’, pulling in and out the credit card, selecting the grade of gas, and putting the pump into the car, then left me with the simple task of “just holding the handle down without letting go, until it stops”. She even explained how EASY it was; all I had to do was hold onto the handle until it clicks…
By Bryan Powell5 years ago in Humans
STUCK IN THE MUD
When my husband stated he wanted to go fishing at Bird Creek I was very optimistic! I told him it was very dangerous to fish there and I did not really want to! He explained that it would be fine but we have to fish at low tide. I said to him people die there they go out to the inlet at low tide and get stuck in the mud, the Bore tide comes in and they die! He said the fishing is great and he will get a tide book so we know when to leave. I thought about it and said I guess we can go if we know when to leave! He told me that I was brave and that he would not let anything happen to me! I told him that we have to get the fishing gear all ready to go. So we gathered everything we needed to go to Bird Creek, and put it in the car. Then we went to the store to get a tide book and bought other items that we needed. When we arrived home we put the items away. We also bought some fishing stuff and I put them in the car. After the trip to the store, I was tired so I sat down and had a cup of coffee. I made sure we had everything we needed by making a list so I can take inventory and mark them off. As I did that we forgot an item and I went to retrieve it. In the meantime, my husband was busy with the fishing hooks, he made sure we had everything.
By rose m lewis5 years ago in Humans
The Cows That Yelled Mooooveee!
So I once had these super fat and super annoying neighbors. They had no kids and no pets, they would sit in their house all day and do absolutely nothing. Their TV was on all the time, and they sat in front of it. Uber delivery drivers would bring them food constantly, and I guess that along with frozen stuff is all they ate, that's what I figure. How they had the money to pay for all that food, I don't know Maybe they were super rich and that's why they found no purpose in life other that sit their fat on their sofa of which would initially appear to have sucked the life out of them, but upon seeing their lifestyles I realized that it was the other way around and that they had sucked the life out of that couch. Anyways, they were tolerable by the neighborhood because they were always in their own house doing their own thing. Their lawn was a mess and they had let the weeds and grass grow too high. One day, as I was coming out of the house with my room-mate, she noticed something strange. She saw that there was a cow sticker inside the lid of their mailbox that was open and filled with mail. We observed the cow sticker and were baffled. Then we looked at their drive way and their car bumper also had stickers of cows. It was weird as hell! So anyways we went to college and came back, when we came back we both noticed that their lawn had less grass. Don't get me wrong, it was mowed, it appeared to have been shortened by being chewed in random spots or pulled on aggressively. Anyhow, a week goes by and all we see from our window, is them sitting on their lifeless sofa watching TV. My room-mate had made a lot of pie that day for some reason, she has these random cooking inspirations every now and then. And so we decided to go and give them a pie, as a kind neighborly gesture, and also because we had thrown a party that had gotten wild, the previous weekend. Anyhow we go to their door, I did so reluctantly. She rings the door and says that she will do all the talking. I completely agreed as I was not at all keen talking to them. After a few moments, they both open the door. We were both surprised as we had not expected both of them to show up. They both had frowns, and the husband seemed to be upset that were not Uber Delivery, I could see it in his silently fast-food craving eyes. And so I smiled a polite smile and just said hello, as my roommate began talking to them. A few moments had passed and they were both not impressed and grumpy, we reached an awkward silence and my room-mate ran out of conversation talk abruptly. So I took over the conversation to conclude it and said "Anyways we just brought this pie for you, we know last weekend might have gotten a bit noisy, so...yeah." A moment of silence. The Wife says "Oh, well, um thank you." Suddenly the husband blurts out "You can't buy us with pie!" which caused both me and my room-mate to feel super awkward. My room-mate got very upset, and at that moment we both knew it was a mistake offering them pie. The husband grabs the pie from his wife and slams it tot he ground on their porch. But he did it so aggressively, I think his body was not ready for that much sudden movement, and he fell on the ground. Almost immediately his wife came to help him, but it was as if her body was not ready for that sudden of a movement either and so she fell to on the porch. and both of them tried to get up on their hands and knees. After a moment of shock, my room-mate yells "Do you want us to help you!" The wife suddenly shows aggression and yells "No! Don't touch us!" The husband suddenly looks up at us and yells "We want you to move! Get out of this neighborhood." And for some reason of which I don't know why, I decided to respond "Do you mean Moooove?" I said my like a cow that would moo. Almost immediate everyone went silent, as the fat couple frowned up at me whilst on their hands and knees silently giving us a death stare. My room-mate suddenly breaks out of her shock and says "We're so sorry! We're going to leave!" The panting husband yells "Move!" And just as my roommate grabbed my hand and she began pulling me down their front porch stairs, my eye caught their lawn, which again for some reason I turned my head as I was being dragged and yelled "Do you guys also eat grass?". And both of them began yelling "Move! Move! Move!". At that moment I couldn't stop laughing, and I yelled "I'm calling animal control!" where my room-mate in a serious whisper said "Shut up! Stop talking to them!". But the cows were moooing, oh the cows were mooing. And so this is the story of the cows that yelled mooooveee! But oh, if only the story finished there. After literally seeinf the essence of cows in my neighbors who wanted me us to move - Something had been triggered in me. I would lay awake at night after sex, yes my roommate ended up sleeping with me! But anyhow, I would lay awake after night pondering, the age long philosophical question that had blossomed in my mind. How could people be cows? And for a series of days, I kept contemplating cows to the point I could not drink milk anymore! It was ridiculous, the fact that we drink milk when that milk is meant for the cows babies! Cows produce milk for cows, it's like another species came to earth and turned all human breast milk into a purchasable product. And the fact that we eat cows? Holy shit! Cows have a face! Like us! How the fuck can you eat another being that has a face! I could feel the spirit of vegetarianism haunting me. Screaming in my ears they have a face! How can you eat them. So naturally I lost my appetite for any meat products. Which sucked because I loved to eat bacon, the fridge was empty when there was no bacon. And now I couldn't eat it any more. My roommate had noticed a change in me, she got curious and kept asking my to explain what I was going through. She would yell "Share with me babe!" I kept refusing until it got on my nerves so much that I finally gave in to her request. And after I told her all my thoughts about cows, breast milk, and eating products that come from beings that have a face, and my newfound disgust for meat products. She took a moment and said thank you for sharing. Anyhow, long story short, we don't have sex anymore. Which is unfair to me, because I knew it would creep her out, and she kept insisting. But instead of being upset about the ruination of my short-lived sex life, I kept thinking about the question, how could people be cows? Until, one morning, I came up with an ingenious idea. To have an actual cow shipped to the neighborhood and be placed right in front of their door. The neighbors reaction to a presence of a random cow int heir lawn, could bring new insight on my philosophical question. A week later, I was able to do it! Have a cow delivered to their lawn. I had to purchase a cow, which was messed up. How can we purchase things with a face! They have a face! But this was for the evolution of science. And so the day came, where the cow was there, placed on their lawn, tied to the door handle as planned. I watched from behind the curtains with a camera on record, I felt like a scientist; I truly did. What I had failed to incorporate in my intricate calculations, was the damned uber drivers. They had ordered uber! The uber driver came out, saw the cow, then made a phone call. A moment later, the neighbors opened the door and the cow was yanked into their house. I heard screaming from the fat wife, but the husband was crying. The uber driver yells "Sir! should I call animal patrol! or is that your pet!" And the fat husband with teary and emotional eyes yells "No! MY son has returned home." It was then and there I jumped up from behind the curtains opened my window and yelled "I knew it!". So that's the end of my vocal story. But you see, my roommate comes up to me and yells! Dude you dissertation is due tomorrow! Get off vocal! It was then and there tears poured down my eyes and as I whimpered "I know." She hugged me and we had sex for the first time actually. She asked if she could read my vocal story, I said no. Because I was not going to let a story about cow neighbors ruin my chances with my roommate, of whom was also in that story. I ended up writing my dissertation and passing. And then I left my dormitory. Forgetting about what it would be like living in a neighborhood with cow neighbors. Anyhow, my roommate and I are now married. 10 YEARS PASS. I have built a time machine out of bird bones.
By Jester King5 years ago in Humans
Belinda’s Diner
Likely the most troubling time in her life, Jia found herself harnessing a deep need for a stack of blueberry pancakes and a cup of coffee. This desire was specific. Jia needed a cup of coffee that came in a small, slightly stained, biscuit colored mug with two packets of sweet & low, even though she read somewhere that sweet & low causes cancer.. but doesn’t everything cause cancer nowadays?
By Cheryl Lyons5 years ago in Humans
Partners and Polycules: Polyamorous Designations Based Off Dungeons and Dragons Dice
There's a joke in dating circles that the true intention of polyamorous people is not to host debaucherous weekend orgies, but to simply acquire enough partners that they'll always be able to muster a full party for a game of Dungeons and Dragons. Those who are (or who have dated) polyamorous gamers know there's more than a little truth to this particular knee-slapper.
By Neal Litherland5 years ago in Humans
"How Much For One Night?" Nigerian Man PRANKS Lagosian Ladies in Epic Viral Video.
This is a must-watch video. This video I’m sharing with you today is a video that you HAVE to watch. I stumbled upon it today, and when I saw the title and thumbnail, I was a little intrigued so I clicked on it.
By Jide Okonjo5 years ago in Humans
...was that you?
Fact: We are all weapons of mass destruction: We all carry the bomb and every time we eat or drink something there is a chance we will detonate that bomb. We don’t know when or where, we just know it’s going to happen and according to scientists, it happens 20-30 times a day. Start counting.
By Jeanine Williams5 years ago in Humans
Ten things Covid-19 has created that need naming. Top Story - August 2020.
Ever since Coronavirus, Covid-19, the Rona, or whatever you want to call it, came into our lives, things have been different – drastically different. Every day has become a collection of disconnected socially awkward moments with once simple tasks becoming a massive ball ache to achieve.
By Leo Dis Vinci5 years ago in Humans
I can’t catch a break
I Can’t Catch a Break I sit there; hands gripping the steering wheel tighter by the second. A volcanic eruption of anger shoots through my nervous system. I’m losing patience for the cars in front of me moving in funeral procession style. The driver behind me honks the horn of a tan colored 2016 Toyota Camry. I menacingly look in my rearview mirror to identify the unfortunate soul. A blond woman appearing to be in her mid to late twenties sits pouting. I think to myself “she must know that I can’t move any more forward than she can.” She is attractive, however today her idiotic sense of reasoning has morphed her into a troll.
By Tuye' Naphtali5 years ago in Humans
The lie (for the hard times)
Well, ladies, gentlemen, and children of all ages, I was told to tell a lie. So, I’m here to tell you about my walk for milk. To be honest, it was the most treacherous thing I have ever done. I got up, as I would any day, the time was a quarter till five. I decided to stay up since my alarm goes off at five and right away, I felt off. It is the same feeling you get when you have a test or court date. Despite it all I got up and noticed my floor was far from me. I didn’t know if I was on something, or if it was real. All I knew was I had to do something about it. I crawl to the edge of the bed, which wasn’t easy since I’m huge. Once there I creep down, but I can’t reach the ground. So, I call for lucky to throw me a rope. Lucky is my dog who sleeps in my bed.
By Anthony Sanders5 years ago in Humans
