Absurdity: Dating from a NON-Narcissist Point of View

He threw me down the stairs and blamed ME. Are you fucking kidding me?

And I let him get away with it. And I continued to let him get away with anything, even when I had no idea he was gaslighting me. God, relationships like this it’s hard to even tell when you are being told the truth or not. It is hard to know if a kind act is just a facade for a stupid fuck up he did behind my back. What makes it difficult to leave is the fact that I feel he could change or maybe I just do not want to be alone. IDK, whatever is I just do not know how I got in this deep.

I feel bad for my wife sometimes. She punched me in the face because I got caught cheating, so yeah I pushed her. Did I mean for it to be that hard? No. But did I feel somewhat good about watching her fall down each stair? Maybe. I couldn’t help it. I work my god damn ass off and give her the dream life she has wanted; the house, the car, the money, all of it. I feel bad for what I did, but I need her to cut me some slack. I mean she fucking went out with her friends two weeks ago and I know her Ken Doll boss was there, so I am just getting even. I love her so much, I can’t help it. I make mistakes because I do not want to lose her and do not want to get hurt first.

You feel bad for me? So do I. First of all, my boss is gay. Just sounds like a sad excuse to betray me. I am well aware my husband works his “ass” off, which is why when his dick was inside another woman, I was putting our kids to bed. Ordering your favorite take out, and putting on my sexiest lingerie. I have never, for one second, taken him for granted. I let everything go. I overlook it all just because the moment I think back to the good times I focus on that. But, it is not the good times. And how absurd of me to focus on the past in order to help my future without taking a moment to focus on the present.

She knows I love her. I might not show it all the time. I got her that new car last month because I knew you wanted it. I took her to dinner and shopping this past weekend, I even invited her mom over for lunch tomorrow. I do not know what else I should be doing.

To me, everything you do just feels as though you are going through the motions because of obligation. Yes, you do these things for me. But it is because you can say “See, I did something.” Not because you truly want to. You do them because it temporarily makes me forget about how shitty our relationship is and you can go “golfing.” There is always a second agenda with you, never pure intentions.

You are fucking insane, see what I mean?

Am I insane?

Yes, you are insane. Nothing and I mean nothing will ever be enough for you. So guess what, I won’t even try anymore. I do not give a fuck what you do.

But, I am telling you how I feel. I am not withholding the truth or walking on eggshells anymore and pretending I am content with the bare minimum. We get one fucking life damn it, and I want mine to be happy. I should be able to tell you these things without you shutting down.

Shutting down? There you go again, same phrase over and over.

Just listen to me, please.

I have been fucking listen to you. I told you I would try. I could be out with anyone I want, I mean look at me. Yet, here I am sitting in this session with YOU.

Do you want to be here?

No.

Do you want to put in the work to become healthier together? I want you here because you want us to work.

What can you not get through your head, I am present right now.

Yes, physically present. Not mentally.

What advice would you give to your friend going through this relationship? Whatever it is, do the same if this is how yours is as well. ONE LIFE, BE HAPPY.