Night Shift
For the Spooky Micro Challenge
There was only one rule: don’t open the door. Tricky, when you’re five, and scared, and your bed is wet again. It had been better, when Nana was alive. Then an amber glow crept around the door, and Kamali had listened to TV laughter and known that when she woke, her mum would be in the kitchen, fixing breakfast for Kamali, dinner for herself. Now it was always dark and cold and strange.
She wasn’t sure how long she’d been asleep. She was thirsty and her thighs were cold where pee had soaked her pyjamas. She didn’t used to wet the bed. Only since Nana died.
Kamali listened hard. There wasn’t much to hear. A drip, a groan. House noises, her mum said. Just house noises. “A house breathes at night, baby” she said, and Kamali listened to the breaths. The metallic twang of the pipes, the moan of the wooden frame, tightening in the chill, the creak of the stairs under shuffling feet. The sigh outside her door. House noises, just house noises. A house breathes at night.
“Nana will watch over the house, baby” her mum had said. “She won’t let no-one in.” Kamali was afraid to be alone. Easy, when you’re five, and its dark, and the house breathes at night. “Nana never let no-one come in her house uninvited this side of the grave, she aint gonna start just ‘cause she passed over.”
“So why I gotta keep the door shut?”
“Dead folk don’t think like the living, baby. If they waiting for you, they like to hurry you along.”
Nana had never hurried her, not when she wasn’t dead.
Kamali was so cold now, and the house was breathing loud in shifting shadows and rasping whispers.
“Kamali, child, open the door.”
Kamali stood, shivering.
“Mummy?”
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Comments (32)
This was so well written. I wasn;t sure where it was going and still have questions. But fully entertained. Anythng to do with a child and horror just adds that extra creep value. Congratulations
Wow!!! Loved this. Your use of language made this feel so real. Truly deserving of placing in the challenge. Congrats!!!
Gave me shivers all over. Congrats! Well deserved.
Your descriptions are incredible and really add to the story, which is amazing. Congratulations!! 🏆😊
…the house was breathing loud in shifting shadows and rasping whispers—what a line. Great job, no wonder this was one of the winning submissions.
Nicely done! Definitely deserves a spot on the placement for the challenge, congrats on placing! Chilling execution. Gonna follow you for more
Wooohooooo congratulations on your win! 🎉💖🎊🎉💖🎊
Hey, hey, hey Hannah!!!! I'm back to say congrats on honourable mention for the spooky micro challenge!! 🎉
Congratulations! 👏
Brilliant story as always! You've left me with more questions, I am dying to know more 😁
Hannah!!!! Congrats on honourable mention for most discussed story this week!!
Excellent way to finish, where it's all there but not spelled out. I like how this an inside/outside split, and the child's perspective makes it even more horrifying. You created quite the relationship between Nana, mother, and Kamali in so few words Hannah!
Oh I just love how you hang on to a concept and then repeat it, it really bring that part of the story alive. 'The sigh outside her door. ~House noises, just house noises. A house breathes at night~ It's almost like that part of the sentence is also breathing, it became its own entity. Pushing me towards a scary fate, but I don't wanna go please... That personal detail about kamali really allowed me to bond and draw close to her character, now I am scared of anything happening to her. I could relate to her character, the child part of me. That's what makes it so powerful and you used that so well. This was terrifying, I especially like how it sounded as if there was an accent whenever 'baby' came up in the dialogue. I thoroughly enjoyed this Hannah, you really got into my head, keep up the good work 👏
The dialogue in this was so well done! Very gripping read!
cant go a day without reading your story😊
Wow! This was masterfully done.
Oh! That was great!
You packed a lot of spooky in just a few lines. Well done!
Deliciously creepy, Hannah! I think I’d keep my pee soaked behind in bed!
Ohh this gave me a good fright!! You succeeded that 😅💌
Open the door Kamali, I wanna see what happens to you when you do, hehehehehehe. Loved your story!
Be careful who you're opening the door to, Kamali!
Simply amazing, Hannah. Definitely the best story for this challenge so far. Your writing is always deeply human first and foremost, no matter the genre.
Mic drop. This was both heartbreakingly sad and terrifyingly creepy. You’re such a brill writer.
I don't think that's Mummy, Kamali..... 😳