Letters

April 15, 1967

Dear Carly,

I thought California was hot, but the air in Vietnam felt like it was on fire when I stepped off the plane. After twenty-three hours in the air, I don't think I ever wanted something to be over more in my life, and at the same time, I wanted to stay. I wanted to close the flight doors and ride that bird all the way back to you.

Since we arrived, everything has been hurry up and wait. They rush us to one place, then leave us sitting in another.

I don't know when our orders to move in-country will come down. They don't tell us anything, but Sarge says it could be in five minutes, or it could be in a week.

I have to go now we just got the first call to form up, but before I do, I have to tell you

I love you, Carly Sue Crawford you're all I ever think about.

I'll write again as soon as I can. Till then, just know you're what's keeping me going. My good luck charm. Every time I get down, I just think of that last night under the bleachers when we kissed like we were never gonna let each other go. I wish I hadn't let go. I wish I'd stayed right there with you.

Always know you’re my reason for making it back home. My whole reason.

Love,

Mason

~

April 29, 1967

Dear Mason,

I've written you a whole bunch. I hope you got all my other letters. I just got yours in the mail this morning. After I read it, I sat and cried on the front porch. I can't help it. I know you told me not to shed any tears, but I miss you so much. Nothing here feels the same without you. I know I've told you that before, but it's true. Even the air smells different without you here with me.

I long to hear your voice, to taste your lips, to feel your arms around me. You're my only home. The only one I'll ever have. I know, I shouldn't ask, but promise me you'll come back.

You know me and God haven't always been on the best of terms, but as imperfect as I am in his eyes, I still pray for your safe return every night.

Without you, every day seems harder. I don't know how I'll make it through this year. I can't believe we have to deal with something like this so young. You should be in your first year of college, and I should be getting ready for you to take me to my senior prom, not promising myself you’ll be okay.

If I could have any wish in the world, it would be that your number had not been called in the draft.

I love you, Mason Andrews, and when you get back home. And you will because I refuse to believe you won't. I'm not waiting for you to ask. I'm going to be your wife. I'll marry you the minute you get off the plane if I can.

Love,

Caroline

~

June 22, 1967

Dear Carly,

I count the days, the hours, the minutes, the seconds until I can see your pretty face again. You're my lighthouse in the dark. My hope inside this jungle where nothing is the way it should be. After I get back home I don't ever want to think about Vietnam again. I just want to take the uniform off and spend all my years with you.

It's easy to get lost in this place. Nothing's ever comfortable. Your feet get cracked from the water in your boots. Your back hurts from the flapjacket. Mosquitos drain your blood and leave welts behind. Thorns cut your hands. Sometimes, I just want to sink down below the surface of a patty and let all the dirt and muck of this war wash off of me.

I hope that last bit didn't upset you. I don't want you to worry about me. I promise I'm okay. I'm just tired. They've been pushing us hard lately. We go out for days, and you can't really sleep in the jungle. I try, but I can't get a good rest when I know Charlie could ambush us at any minute.

I'm lucky, though. My platoon is made up of a bunch of good guys. We all look out for each other. And Thompson, our lieutenant, he always knows what to do even when the shit is all around us.

Right now, I'm propped up with my back against my pack and the Vietnam sky above my head. Despite all the ugliness of this jungle, the nights here are breathtaking. I wish you could see how many stars there are. You could point out all the constellations, just like you used to when we lay beside each other in the bed of my truck.

I love you, my North Star. Every time I close my eyes, I dream of feeling your body pressed against mine. Of wrapping my arms around you and reminding myself of how your lips always taste like peppermint and sweet tea.

You won't have to wait for me to ask. When I get back, we're getting in my truck and heading straight for Vegas. I won't wait even a single day to add Andrews to your last name. I'm never letting you go after I get back, Carly Sue.

Love,

Mason

~

August 5, 1967

Dear Mason,

Your last letter seems like it came so long ago. I try not to get worried. But sometimes I can't help it. I get so scared. I've dreamed of a life with you, and I don't know how to think of letting that dream I've lived for go. I have to believe you're okay. I can’t think anything else.

I'm sorry, I'm writing this. I'm sorry I might upset you over there when you already have enough on your mind. But most of all, I'm sorry my tears are staining the paper of this letter. I wish I was stronger. I wish I could be all sunshine and smiles for you. That's what you deserve. And from this letter on, that's what I'll try to give you.

Love has no bounds. Thousands of miles apart, separated by an ocean, you are still in my heart, and I am in yours.

Try not to worry about me, I’m just having a moment. If I could have you do anything for me, it would be to find a piece of happiness and take your mind off everything around you for a while

I know I should say more, but I can't write anymore today. I will keep praying for you, my love. I'll pray every day until you're back home with me. You're my life, Mason, my everything.

Love,

Caroline

~

September 17, 1967

Dear Carly,

I'm sorry I haven't written. They've been pushing us hard. Charlie has been making contact with almost every patrol and attacking base camp nightly. I don't know how long it will be before I’m able to write again. It was hard finding the time for this one. I promise though, that I will as soon as I can. I wish it wasn't this way. I wish the war would end tomorrow and I could come back to you.

In the morning, they are sending us back out to help clear some VC. After we're done, lieutenant promises, we will get some downtime, and I promise I will write you a letter every day, two if you want.

I love you, my North Star. Always remember you're my lucky charm.

Love,

Mason

~

October 25th, 1967

Dear Mason,

Your momma came by last week. I knew from her face the moment I saw her what she was about to say. I collapsed as soon as I opened the door. My daddy had to come over and console me. I wouldn't let him move me, though. I just stayed there and cried every tear I had in my body.

I haven't been able to breathe since. It's like I've forgotten how. I have to think about it and tell myself to get the air in and out. I have to tell myself a lot of things. Mainly, I have to keep reminding my shattered heart that I have to keep going.

I've been in a daze. I thought nothing was the same before. Now, it feels like a different world. A different sun, a different moon, a different group of stars. I keep asking myself, who am I after I built my life around you?

If I could, I'd stay locked forever in the memory of us. But every day, I open my eyes to the knowledge that I will never be the same again. I will always be a scarred reminder of who we were.

I hate that place they sent you to. Ong Tanh, that name and the date of October 17th are forever branded on the flesh of my wounded heart. I keep thinking if I don't accept it. If I just pretend your momma never came, then you'll still be alive. You'll still be coming home to me.

I guess that's why I'm writing you a letter you'll never receive. I'm not ready to accept that you're gone.

I haven't opened the farewell letter you wrote me. I know as soon as I do, I won't be able to deny this pain anymore, and it will wash over me like a flood to drown my broken soul.

I've kept it with me. Sometimes, I take it out and hold it because I know it was with you. My eyes stare at the red that's stained in the corner, and I can't look away. My thumb runs over it in small circles. It is all I have left of you.

I am going to read it. I will after I finish writing this. I just wanted one more time to tell you I love you before the last little pieces of me that are holding on to hope are gone.

I love you, Mason Andrews. I love you so much. In this life or the next, I am all yours. I wish your North Star, your lucky charm had been enough to bring you back. I will live with the guilt of that for the rest of my life.

Yours forever and always,

Caroline

~

Dear Carly,

They told us not to date these letters because we won't know when they're going to be received or if they will ever be sent. I hope this one never makes it to your delicate hands and is never seen by your pretty eyes. But, if it ever does, just know

Mason Andrews loved you with his whole heart. Caroline Sue Crawford, you have made all the days since the day I met you the happiest of my life.

Mourn for me, cry as many tears as you need. But, when I'm in the ground and the days keep coming you have to promise me one thing. The last thing I will ever ask of you.

Move on, baby. I promise you I won't be able to find peace if you spend the rest of your days sad. So go out there, my beautiful love, find happiness, and find your sunshine again. Get a man who will love you like you're his whole world and have a bunch of kids. Buy the house and have the kind of family we used to dream about. Lastly, take this one last request as my last goodbye, my last wish.

Never forget I loved you Carly, but don't live a life remembering me.

Yours always,

Mason