My Internet Cravings Turned Me Into a Copycat Asian

As a Romanian, I eat a lot of garlic.

Over here, we serve it as a runny sauce - minced garlic "rubbed" in a bit of salt and oil until it gets a slightly paste-like consistency that we gradually "thin out" with veggie broth or just plain water, which we refer to as "mujdei."

It's not as decadent as the mayo version that uses lots of oil, but it's by far much, much healthier. It also packs a stronger punch than the paste version, in my humble opinion, because both veggie juice and plain water "conduct" that specific pinch on your tongue better than it cuts through yogurt or mayo.

I, personally, can't have enough of it with chicken or fish. And it's even better with roasted sweet peppers or mushrooms because these two dishes leave plenty of natural juices when you sprinkle some salt over and let them "rest and sweat" in a covered glass bowl as soon as you take them off the grill. A few spoons of sweet pepper juice and a tablespoon of vinegar make the runny garlic sauce even better!

So, yeah. We love garlic in our culture. It helps us with our vampire problem, too. However, I was recently surprised to see that Asian folks (particularly the Korean and Chinese people) use a large fistful of minced garlic in just one single dish!

To me, that came as a culture shock. Vampires and all, we Romanians hardly pose any competition. A vampire wouldn't survive one single day in Asia!

Maybe these Asian mukbangers I've been watching on YouTube lately like to exaggerate their spices. Who knows? After all, one person does cook and eat for five people in an attempt to shock and stir their audience. That's what mukbang videos are all about - eye candy and Adam's apple jelly for fatties.

Ever since I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, I've been a sucker for this type of content.

People say you should always go to sleep slightly hungry and not overstuff yourself with food during the day. Well, I try my best, but nothing helps me stay on track better than a mukbang video at 2 a.m. I watch three or four videos a night, and because I feel "hangry" and guilty at the same time, I suppress both feelings with a few sets of cardio with my dumbbells in between.

Nonetheless, the cravings hit me hard. Especially when it comes to ethnic or cultural food. Weirdly enough, I feel nothing for the regular junk food. Although, there seem to be enough fried or oily foods in Asian cuisine that are not that good for my fatty liver and diabetes.

A few days ago, I sort of gave in to my cravings, and that's how that heading picture was created. I was always fascinated by the way Asians eat their rice - plain, with many side dishes, unlike us Europeans, who are more familiar with "pilaf," "plov," or "risotto" style rice - so, this time I tried to emulate them with whatever ingredients I had at home.

The result was an inauthentic imitation. The only barely Asian things are the soy sauce from my cucumber salad and the fact that a few months prior I purchased a cheap rice cooker. I even poured the leftover cucumber salad juices over the plain rice and gave it a mix, soaking the rice like I've seen some Asian folks do - nothing short of an adult playing house or make-believe at this point, but it tasted good, and the soaked rice was more fluffy.

Fast forward a few days, when Mom asked me to go shopping with her, all I could think of was to see if there's anything Asian and diet-healthy looking at the same time.

Like a loving yet nagging mother, she elbowed me inside the store, "Don't exaggerate with the things you put in the cart. You know you're not allowed to eat pretty much anything!" That last part was not said exactly like that, but that's the gist of it and how my sarcastic mind heard it…

Walking between the shelves of my local supermarket, just mildly snooping around, I found these bad boys:

Holy shite, that looks authentic. Look, there's even some Korean writing on the packaging. This must be it! I'll take two, this red spicy one and a black… bean paste one?

OMG, I'm so excited over these noodles. They're even the same brand that Asian guy was eating in the mukbang video I saw last night!

I was so hyped that I didn't notice there were no black bean noodles. My dumbazz self bought a spicy noodle pack and a super spicy one. Those animated chickens on the packaging are both spitting fire. One of them is even holding a bomb in his hands!

Guys… On a scale from "one" to "Asian," how phunked am I?

It says "2 x Spicy," and now that reality has sunk in, I realize that "two times more spicy" probably refers to what the Koreans call "spicy!" As in… hell freezing spicy…

NANI!?

(Ok, that's the Japanese equivalent for "WTF!?" frequently used in a dramatic moment in animated series, but it's Asian enough to fit the theme and for me to properly express my shock.)

Cherry on top, I even bought these small sausages, because that one Asian mukbanger said, "As expected, sausage pairs so well with noodles," even though I realized he's full of shite (he always says whatever he's having is pairing well with the other stuff he's eating):

NANI!?

FML, I just realized these sausages are spicy too - although, slightly spicy…

"As expected," like my favorite Korean mukbanger loves to say, I have no doubt I'll be dining in Valhalla as soon as I dare to "pair" them with the fire-spitting, bomb-holding chicken noodles I bought.

Most likely, I'll be spitting firecrackers from all five orifices. New Year's might arrive sooner this year, since my newfound fear is not stopping my initial plan to cook this stuff as soon as tomorrow.

I just hope these spring rolls I bought are not spicy at all, so I can "pair them well" with the spicy noodles and cut down the spice somehow:

Surely not, right?

Maaan… I have to learn to properly check the label on these things before I throw them in the shopping cart.

Now the only thing left to do is make a cross sign and hope for the best. I'm not a ritualistic Christian, but in cases like this, like it or not, you leave it to the Lord…