Stream of Consciousness
Word of the Day: 会議
Since I died I added a new challenge that isn't as lucrative and the old one finished so I had to delete those tasks. I don't want a moody cat fight. I need my weed to enter the ether but I don't feel like it is appropriate right now, it is kind of like life gave me a stack of paperwork to do so even though I wasn't finished with what I was doing, I got to deal with this current blockage. I guess it is just that this house has no intuitive hits. It is like a dead zone. That's what she said.
By Kayla McIntoshabout a year ago in Confessions
Feelings
My friend asked me recently what I thought about him. It is a hard question to answer. I feel there were so many things that happened. Being with him is kind of respite from most of the chaos that happens around me. I don't even know if it will be ok to go to my grandma's house. I don't want to say I am using you because I care about your wellbeing.. The world calls me, death is assured. I want to be happy too, and I do like the idea of not always being terrified of things. But I know you won't take me where I need to go.
By Kayla McIntoshabout a year ago in Confessions
Shortest Stick
Everyone has a bad day. I’ve had my share, but the older that I get, the more that I realize that there is always someone that is facing harder circumstances than I am. For instance, I thought school was pretty hard. I didn’t really fit in, and I didn’t really feel like I was a part of anything. I felt pretty insignificant. Because of this, I had a hard time connecting with other people later on. I was used to being judged, so I instantly figured that everyon that I met was judging me. I was used to being bullied, so I expected it. When I was about nineteen, one of the friends that I did have when I was in high school went to college and got a roommate. My friend wanted me to meet this guy, so I did. The guy that I met was nice. He was different from the guys that I grew up with, and he wasn’t as harsh on others as most people that I knew. This new guy started telling me about how he grew up. He had cerebral palsy, so he had a lot of struggles when he was younger. Mobility was one of them. So, while I was worried about making new friends, he was worried about if he would be able to walk. Then, the new guy told me about how nice everyone was to him in school and about his dreams to be a wrestler. He knew that having cerebral palsy affected the possibility of his dreams and instead of getting all upset about it, he made it work for him. Since he couldn’t wrestle right away, he became an announcer, so he could be a part of the sport that he loved so much. Instead of getting jealous of the other people that were able to participate in the dream sport he so much wanted to be a part of, he became friends with them. He tried not to let his struggles get him down, and he did the best that he could to be a part of the sport that he loved. As I got older, I met several more people just like this guy. I met someone my age that lost his sibling due to addiction. I met a single mother that got pregnant at an early age and had to suffer the loss of the baby’s father. I even followed the story of someone that I went to school with as she suffered a miscarriage. All of these people touched my life in a way. It helped me remember that despite the struggles I was going through, there were other things out there that people were enduring that were just heartbreaking, and knowing that these people were able to get up every day and do what they needed to do, helped give me the motivation to do the same. Life isn’t perfect. We all have struggles, and being there to witness other peoples’ struggles and help them if you can puts life in perspective. There might be a day where everything seems to go wrong and everything seems crazy and chaotic, but if you look to your left or your right, you might realize that someone else is going through a situation that is ten times worse than what you are. At least I did, and that made me more appreciative of my circumstances. I’m thankful that I was born in a country with clean and available water. I’m thankful that I have a right to an education, and I’m thankful that I have the ability to choose who I marry or who my friends are. Some people don’t even get these basic rights.
By Nicole Higginbotham-Hogueabout a year ago in Confessions
Open Wins Over Stubborn Shuns
I waited a couple of years after I came out to start dating women. First of all, when I was younger, there was only one woman that I was kind of interested in and she didn’t like me the same way. Second of all, there wasn’t a large amount of LGBTQI people in my area, so I really didn’t know too much about dating women. I also didn’t know what I was interested in. See, I knew the traits that I wanted in the person that I was dating, or at least I thought that I did, but I didn’t know where to meet them or how to start a good conversation with them or even how to progress these interactions into a relationship. I had absolutely no experience in this area, and most of the people that I was around were straight. So, I felt absolutely alone. Then, when my family moved to a larger city and I started working at a hotel, I began to meet more women that caught my eye. I started to make friends and I found a community of LGBTQI people, which opened my eyes to a world that I had never known. When I had first come out, I was told that I was going through a phase. I was told that being gay was against my religion. I was also misunderstood a lot. For instance, one of my teachers had an open discussion in her class where the students could ask each other questions, and I was asked who I was attracted to in that class. I felt like an outcast, and the way that people reacted to me coming out was to do everything that they could to put me back in the closet. There wasn’t a lot of education back then on LGBTQI people. They didn’t have any laws protecting people that identified with that group, and they weren’t really worried about hurting other peoples’ feelings. People just did or said what they wanted to, and if you weren’t the same as them, then a lot of the time you were outcasted. There were more incidences of hate crimes, deaths, and suicides pertaining to the LGBTQI community too, and there really weren’t any known resources that were widely available to the general public. The Internet wasn’t as big of a thing. In fact, the first Internet that we had in our house cut off the phone line and made a lot of noise when you logged into it. Anyhow, when I came out, I didn’t know what I was looking for or what would make me happy. I had hung out with a lot of men growing up, so I considered myself more masculine, but I didn’t really identify as butch. Therefore, the first few women that I dated were ones that considered themselves more feminine than I was and they were the ones to make the first move. It was easier that way, if I let them call the shots, then I knew they would be happy, and I would be happy for the companionship. At first, dating like this worked for me. I got to experience taking a woman out to dinner for the first time. I was able to have long conversations in the park, and it was nice to have the company of another person after a long day at work. However, after a while, I knew that I needed more. I just didn’t know what. I was tired of dating women that expected me to pick up the tab all of the time. I felt like I had to be more concerned with what was going on in their lives without them giving me the same consideration, and I also thought that in order to have a girlfriend, these were things that I had to deal with. I had to deal with constant chaos, fighting, cheating, and there were even a couple that treated me poorly when they were around their friends. I dated a few that needed or wanted me to pay the bill when we went out, and sometimes, this would break the budget that I had set for myself for the week. There were even times when a girl that I was dating wouldn’t talk to me again until I got paid. I had never been with a real partner, a person that was willing to pull half the weight, was equally concerned about my wellbeing, and truly wanted to experience life with me. Most of the women that I was dating didn’t really show a huge amount of interest in my life. They were more concerned about their own. They had a picture in their head of what I should be, and for a lot of them it was a stereotype of what a butch woman should do for her partner. The thing was, I wasn’t butch. I wasn’t femme. I wasn’t anything but me, and for a lot of the people that I went out with, this was confusing. I lost some of my respect for relationships around that time. I was tired of having to deal with people that were more concerned about themselves than about me. I was annoyed that there wasn’t give and take in our conversations, and I had a couple people that I had gone out with that were dishonest and unfaithful. So, after talking to one of my friends, I decided to put the idea of being in a relationship on the backburner. I didn’t want to spend my life unhappy and I knew that if I continued dating the same people, I was never going to get very far. So, I stopped looking. I stopped dating, and I just concentrated on myself and hanging out with my friends. I also talked more to a woman that I had become friends with at work. Now, this woman wasn’t always someone that I had gotten along with. She was a manager, and she replaced the job of my original manager, so when I had first met her, I told her right away that I didn’t like her and I didn’t want anything to do with her. Ironically, I worked a lot, and as time went by, I had gotten to know her better. We had similar experiences growing up. We had people in our families that were alike. We even thought alike when it came to our interpretations of the world and other people. It was uncanny. The more we got to know each other, the more I wanted to be around her. I liked her company. I liked to see her happy, and she genuinely cared for me and the things that were occurring in my life. It was an unlikely friendship, and the more time that we spent with each other, the more we relied on each other. Then, one day, I went out with one of my college friends. We hung out, talked, and the woman at work came up in our conversation. At the end of the conversation, my friend smiled and told me that I needed to tell my friend at work how I felt. She explained that the way that I was talking about her made it seem like I was in love with her, and if I didn’t tell the other woman how I felt, I might risk never knowing if a relationship between the two of us could work out. Of course, I shook my head and told my friend that I wasn’t going to do it. I was too worried about there being someone else or the woman at my work turning me down. I didn’t even feel like I was in the same league as the woman that I worked with. She was so nice and caring, and she really did want the best for everyone. There was no way that a woman like that would want to be in a relationship with me. However, my college friend insisted that I talk to the woman at my work and tell her how I felt even after I told her that I couldn’t do it, and those words swirled around my head for the next few days, making me wonder if I should have that conversation. After a few days, I went to work and the woman that I had grown close to at work told me that she needed to talk to me. I agreed to conversate in private, and the two of us went to the back of the building. As I looked at this woman, the woman that I had slowly become friends with, the woman that had won my heart, I wondered why she looked so nervous. I could tell by the expression on her face that something was up, and I knew that if she had a look like that then it probably wasn’t the best time to tell her that I had feelings for her. She began to talk, and then, she would stop. The anticipation of what she had to tell me was making me anxious, so anxious that I started guessing what she was going to tell me, because waiting for her to tell me was too difficult to handle. After a few bad guesses, she finally told me what she had to say. She was in love with me, and she wanted to pursue a relationship. I was astounded. I didn’t know what to say. Of course, I wanted to date her. She was unlike any woman that I had ever known. She didn’t judge me. She didn’t have a preconceived notion of how I should act. She just treated me like a person. She cared about me. She talked to me about my feelings and the things that I wanted out of life, and I did the same for her. We ended up dating, and that evolved into marriage and kids and several other experiences down the road, and I realized that in the romance department, this was the woman that I needed to be with. She made me a better person. My faith was stronger with her by my side, and I had the freedom to be myself without being told what I should do or how I should act. I didn’t know what I needed so it came to me when I least expected it, and I didn’t have to settle for something that made my life harder.
By Nicole Higginbotham-Hogueabout a year ago in Confessions
Forward Advance
When I was younger, I had nothing to do but read, write, and learn new things. Like I said before, my parents worked a lot so we were home for several hours by ourselves each day, and after doing all of the chores on our chore list, we would pretty much have to come up with something to occupy our minds. We didn’t have cable, and I don’t even know if the Internet existed at that point. If it did, it didn’t in our house, so when we weren’t sledding down the stairs on our flying discs, we were each doing our own thing. One of the things that I liked to do was learn. I figured that if I could learn as much as I could, I would be able to create a more adventurous life and explore different opportunities that I didn’t have available to me at that time. So, I did my best to participate in as many reading competitions as I could. I read the encyclopedia often, and I even stayed up as late as I could get by with to finish my school work early. The only problem was that I was bored. Eventually, I had studied so much that the things that I was learning weren’t occupying my attention. This led me to searching for a way to gain new knowledge, and I found out about a class given by the local community college. I did the paperwork and testing necessary to get into this class, and I passed with flying colors, but there was only one class. This left me wondering what I was going to do with the rest of my high school career. I couldn’t just sit around and listen to the same stuff over and over again. I needed something to engage my mind, so one day, I began to read the state code. I don’t know exactly what drew me to this book or where I got the idea to read it, but after looking up different laws and regulations in my state, I found out that the school had the responsibility to pay for my college education while I attended high school as long as I had passed the college entrance exam. This discovery opened new doors for me, and I felt blessed that I had found it. I was able to take this information to the talented and gifted teacher, and she was able to set up a meeting with the school board so we could get the school to offer more college classes to those that were in high school. After the approval, a consortium of colleges were available to students that wanted to further their education while they were working on their diploma. I loved having this new opportunity, and I knew that down the road, it would save me money. I worked on both my high school and college classes at the same time, and by the time that I graduated high school, I only had two semesters of college left until I was able to get my associate’s degree in general studies. Having this education under my belt helped me take the next step into my education. It also allowed me to enlist in the military with a higher rank. Though both of these things were great, the coolest thing about my school offering these new classes was that future generations would have them available to them when they needed them. There would no longer be a learning deficit, leaving those at the top of the class with nothing else to do, and for students that would not normally be able to afford college, there was now an opportunity for them to go without paying a dime.
By Nicole Higginbotham-Hogueabout a year ago in Confessions
Dear Virgil,. Top Story - November 2024. Content Warning.
The night ebbs on as sleep wanes. What sordid acts led to such restless ease? A past life? The former Selves. Or past lives? The previous renderings of my animating force. Perhaps generational sins, those passed through DNA. I feel the burden of my lineage. The accountability of restoration. The work of repairing what my ancestors wrought.
By kpabout a year ago in Confessions
Keep Your Mind Happy: The Key to a Fulfilling Life
Keep Your Mind Happy: The Key to a Fulfilling Life In the rush and chaos of modern life, happiness often feels like an elusive treasure hidden behind the pressures of work, social obligations, and personal challenges. Yet, the key to a fulfilling life may be simpler than we think: keeping our minds happy. A happy mind doesn’t mean a life without problems, but rather an ability to maintain a positive outlook and resilience, even when facing difficulties. Cultivating happiness within ourselves can transform how we experience the world, make us more compassionate towards others, and allow us to navigate life’s challenges with strength and optimism.
By Dipak Pawarabout a year ago in Confessions
Dark water
I went walking around at night to look at the trick or treaters but found there weren't many. I think I got possessed by a demon while I was walking around. I was glad the children laughed though.. I kept walking away from them. I scared myself walking around. I knew I was going to find darkness tonight.
By Kayla McIntoshabout a year ago in Confessions
Do you see the enemy?
Look around you, who is your enemy? Is it your brother who is jealous of all your success and trying to take it away from you, or is it that one friend whom you can’t seem to get along with? Maybe that person who keeps talking bad about you despite you being nice to them. Yet again you might consider the enemy to be the system of government you are in which seems to favor some and neglect others. Or maybe you might be humble enough to think the enemy is the person in the mirror. So do you see the enemy?
By real Jemaabout a year ago in Confessions
