Broken

The air is hot and heavy or cold and stiff. The sun is too hot and the nights are too cold. The birds don't sing the way they used too. The smiles of my favorite people don't warm my heart the way they used too. I don't feel the way I used too

Everything has changed.

Everything.

I'm still here though. Still sitting alone in a dark room filled with nothing but my thoughts, staying the same.

Everything has changed but nothing has. It's all the same but so different. If I'm honest I don't understand. Why? Why is everything changing but me? Why can't I feel my own emotions anymore? Why am I so broken? What caused this and how do I fix it? Can I fix it? Will it ever stop or get better?

So many questions I don't think anyone can answer for me, I know there's people out there like me, but where? Can they change? Did they? Could they tell me how to feel like a normal person?

More questions. Just more questions.

I don't know who I am anymore or what I want. I don't know what happened to me, 13 years ago I was the happiest person alive. Now I'm 20 and I'm the emptiest I've ever been. I did change at one point, I just wish I could go back. It's been so long since I've felt anything but rage.

So much rage.

I want to break something. No, I want to shatter it.

I want to show how bad it is, I want them to see me.

Maybe then I can get the help that I so obviously, desperately need. The help that I don't have the courage to ask for. The help I don't deserve.

I've hurt so many people trying to figure out who I am, I'm still hurting them actually. Yet, I still don't have an answer for them. For who I am, what I want, what I need. Who am I?

Maybe I just need to go camping in the woods for a weekend like every other person and figure it out, maybe I need to find religion, maybe I need to start giving my crystals a little more attention.

Or maybe

Just maybe

I could take it all away from myself, all the pain and anger and anxiousness.

I'm a coward though, I could never do that to the people I love. It'd be selfish of me. They need me. Or maybe I'm just telling myself that.

I think I need myself more than anything or anyone I just don't know where to find her. Maybe she's under the bed? Or maybe she's hiding in the closet? Down the road? In the woods? Where is she?

WHERE IS SHE?!?!

I'll find her mock my words. And when I do I'll show her what she did when she left. She will feel my pain.

And after I show her, I hope she hugs me and squeezes' me tight, I hope she will tell me that everything will be okay. I just need her, I'm not mad at her or anything. I miss her. I miss me.

After that hug I think I'll finally be okay again, I just need to find her. And I won't stop looking until I do.

I will love myself again, I will love others again.

I'll stay patient, I'm going to try to wait for her instead of looking for her. Maybe then she will finally show herself.

Until then come back me, I miss you and I need you.

Best wishes, You.