How to understand "boundaries" in family life?
We can exist in the world and have bodies that are completely our own. This physical boundary is very clear and visible, so we can easily judge whether our physical boundary is violated or not. But in addition to the physical boundaries, we human beings have a psychological boundary, the boundary also ensures that each individual can exist as an independent person, everyone has their own independent life, independent thoughts, emotions, etc., each person has a Angle and the power to choose our perception of the world; Clear mental boundaries also mean being able to distinguish between inner reality and outer reality, the difference between "I think it is that way" and "it is that way." But because this mental boundary is invisible, it is often ignored. But when our borders are invaded, we feel it. For example, when your boss asks you to help around the house, you may feel like you've been asked to do more than your job and feel uncomfortable. It sounds like a joke, but I've seen bosses who ask drivers to pick up their wives and kids to kindergarten, finance people to buy personal things, employees to work overtime to clean their homes, and so on. Obviously, he has confused the boundary between work and life, and the source of the confusion is his psychological interior, the lack of psychological boundary. The lack of mental boundaries can lead to a lot of relationship confusion, and the boss mentioned above seems to be confusing the work-life relationship, but in reality, it's much more confusing. First of all, his management must be chaotic. When a manager cannot distinguish the boundary between work and life, he cannot distinguish the responsibilities and obligations of himself and his employees, and management will naturally be in a mess. Secondly, his staff will be broken down, because he lacks psychological boundary in his heart, so he can't feel healthy in interpersonal relationship. All emotions are mixed together, and he can't tell who he belongs to. So, he is also a lack of respect for others the ability of independence, in his world, everyone is mixed together, everyone should have the same idea, the behavior of the same, the same emotion and so on, it's just like every one of them was another person an arm a leg, everyone can any other people, while others have different idea, different emotions, Is not acceptable, because in his world "how can there be a person with different thoughts and feelings from me!" You can imagine how painful it is for employees to survive in such an environment. Again, the boss is doomed to withstand all sorts of frustration, because of his lack of psychological boundary, cause he can't produce realistic cognition to the world, but the world does not in the way he is looking forward to work, so his confusion will often go to the wall, in the life worse, after he hit a brick wall all don't know where did the problem, he could not understand is your own function has a problem, He felt that the world was mistreating him. And what happens at home is borderless, similar to what happens at work: a parent bursts into an adolescent's room without knocking because "You're all mine, what have you got to carry me?" Parents' lack of psychological boundaries leads to children's anger nowhere to be resolved, and children's independent needs cannot be recognized. When children become adults, they may become a person who lacks independent ability and is easy to invade others' space. Widowed mother brought up her own son married, the mother must live together, and often give the son rub back what seems to be a deep love between mother and son, in fact, the mother has invaded the life of the small family. After the child gets married, the couple has already reorganized a nuclear family. Only when the parents retreat to the outer space, can such a structural family achieve healthy development. If the mother gets deeply involved in her son's life, it will inevitably affect the operation of the nuclear family. Family gathering, a good family member constantly put himself think delicious meals to "neighbors", if people don't like the food, will naturally feel burden, besides, "Tony" feel being taken care of, at the same time, it also can have the feeling of being controlled to produce, but it all happened in under the table like "to be taken care of, It is very difficult for the party to refuse, and the discomfort can only be kept in mind. In order to avoid such discomfort again, he may choose to avoid the next party. Adolescent children begin to be curious about the opposite sex, and begin to develop intimate feelings with the opposite sex. Parents then begin to feel very anxious, feeling that if they are not well controlled, their children will appear in all kinds of danger, which is unable to distinguish the reality of fantasy from the reality of the real world. Parents' fears stem not only from cultural taboos about sex, but also from unresolved conflicts of growing up: their own adolescence is limited, or their own adolescent conflict is unresolved, and so on. When parents try to control their children, they may also be controlling their own early conflicts by controlling their children.
