Jess Boyes
Bio
From Melbourne, Australia, I love creative writing and food, particularly a good quality cheese or some sort of dairy.
Stories (72)
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Word Vomit
“I mean, I don't understand humans at all, right? Like, they play on your emotions so much. I don't get it. I don't get it. You know, when someone opens up to me and they're being vulnerable and they want to sort of talk things out and you know, they're being what I think is being honest - like, I mean, whether or not they are being honest, who knows, right? But they open up to me and they sort of share some intimate details with me, and then I sort of feel like I can do the same, right? So I start doing the same. I start opening up. I start talking to them about, you know, what's on my mind, what's actually on my mind, you know? But they, they then decide that that's too much for them, you know? What is that? I don't get it. I don't get it. Why do they do that? Like, what is that? Like, is it that they're scared? Like, is it that they're just totally chicken shit? Like, what is it? And then they run away and then it's like, well, what the fuck was that all about anyway? What was the purpose of that? You know? Like, grow up. If you want to talk to me and be real with me, then do it. That's cool. I'm down with it, but don't, don't, throw this stuff at me, be all vulnerable with me, share intimate, like really seriously quite intimate details with me too sometimes, you know, like it's really full on stuff. And then if I try and reciprocate and and do the same with you and share stuff with you, then why, why then all of a sudden you get scared? Like, what is that? I don't get it. What's the program? What's going on in your head? Like, please tell me something. Tell me the truth. Tell me what's real. Don't fucking come at me with this bullshit then. You know? I seriously don't understand the point. I really don't understand the point of it all. It's just a whole mind blowing thing. It does my head in. This is why I would rather be single and on my own and just not around people. Seriously. What's the point? You know, even like whether it's friends, family, whatever. What IS the point? What is the point? If you can't be real with the people around you. There's no point. There's no point. I mean, yeah, okay, you're trying to get to know someone and all of that sort of stuff. You know, you do the sort of basic kind of chit chatty stuff to begin with. You know, you’re sort of putting the feelers out to see how they respond and stuff, but when it comes to proper communication and interaction, and you start to see that, okay, they're into this. They're into this conversation, you know, it's real. It's like they're sincere, they're, they're being honest. But really they're not, you know, it's just ridiculous. It's really ridiculous. Like, is it just a game? Is it just, you know, for a bit of fun? Like, just come out and say it then. Like, just say to me, look, I'm not being serious with you. This is not real. This is just a bit of fun to kill some time. Like don't bother talking to me and, and, and, you know, sharing these intimate, and I mean intimate deep feelings or thoughts about certain situations or scenarios. You know, why is it okay for you to unload all of that onto me? Why? Why is that okay? And then if I try to do the same in kind, you know, if I try to do the same thing. It just, - all of a sudden they, you know, they abort. They abort this mission and it's just, I don't get it. I do not get it. Maybe there's something wrong with me. Maybe it's to do with me rather than them because it doesn't register. I don't understand it. Like come out and be the truth. Like, say the truth. Don't, don't, mess with my head. My head's already fucking messed up the way it is, you know? I don't need any more kind of, you know, this, this bullshit. You know, if you're interested to talk or chat or whatever. Cool, I'm down with that. I'm up for a proper discussion, a conversation, chat, even a debate of some kind. You know, something that really gets the mind going and the brain stimulating and, you know, stimulation is good, but, don’t then kick people or me to the curb and go, well, you know what? This is actually too much for me. Well, not even say that, you know, there's just, there's no words, they just sort of run. Like, I don't get it. It does not make sense to me. Like, what is that? What, what is it? Does anybody have the answer to this question? Like, I don't get this human behaviour. I never have, to be honest. Like truthfully, I've never gotten it, and I think that's why I've always been the odd one out, you know, because I'm looking at people and watching how they interact, and it doesn't fully make sense to me because then when I try to do the same. They look at me like I'm a freak. Like, what is that? I don't get it. It doesn't make sense. What's going on? Like, please, just tell me the truth. Someone, you know, I just. Yeah, this is why, this is why I just want to be on my own. I'll just stay on my own, like, stuff everything - I'll go. I've got my log cabin idea. I'll go do that. I'll go do that. I'll go and find a forest, with a nice beautiful log cabin and just live out my days there. There's no point in trying to, you know, interact with other people when, when every time I try to do that, on any kind of social level, whether it's a friendship or romantic or any of that. Even business social, like I just get these looks, like, who the fuck are you? You're a weirdo, you're a freak, like, Jesus. Like, I don't think I'm doing or saying anything any differently to anybody else. Maybe I can be a little bit blunt, okay? Yeah, maybe I can be a little bit blunt and sometimes I just sort of say what's on my mind and maybe I need to kind of work on that and bring it back a bit, you know, it's, you know, because I tend to just sort of say what I think. So I guess people get offended with that. But, you know, I'm trying not to offend anybody. I'm just trying to be honest and no one wants to be honest. I think that's maybe the problem. I think I've just answered my own question, you know? It's just, this whole thing, of, you know, it's all right for others to sort of dump, vomit, verbal diarrhoea dump on me. But when I do the same back, they don't like it. Whereas me, I'm like, cool with it. I'm interested. I want to know. I want to engage and have this conversation with you, but then you sort of flip it on me and go, you know what? Nah, I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it, actually. Um, you've kind of freaked me out for some reason. Um, you didn't actually say anything wrong, really, but there's, it's just not. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. But what I'm not going to do is, I'm not going to tell you. I'm not going to actually say anything. I'm not going to say anything. I'm going to just stay quiet and do the whole ghosting thing because that's, that's what people do these days. They don't actually tell you what's wrong. They just stop. They just stop talking, going, nah. On to the next one and see what happens. Like I said, whether it's a friendship or romantic or even in a work situation, you know, work mate situation, it's just like. Well, fuck you then, stuff ya. I don't want to know. Why should I bother making an effort, you know? It seems to me that I'm always expected to make an effort with people. If I don't, then there's something wrong. But if I do, then there's something wrong. So I don't get it. I do not understand it. It doesn't make sense to me at all. I just, the human - humans and their behaviour, you know, I'd rather just, just be on my own. Read my books, work on my hobbies, have my coffees and listen to my music and just chill, you know, just chill and just relax and just not worry about what anybody else is doing. Don't worry about interacting with any of them. Just go, be free, live in the woods. I'm off. See you later, you know? That's, that's what I think is best for me at the end of the day. I think that's the right course of action for me now because anything else, it just stuffs up. It just fucks right up and I don't want to know about it anymore. I don't. You know, I've reached that point in my life now where I've decided to stop caring. I just don't, I just don't care anymore. There's no, there's no point in caring about it. You know? It's, it's playing on my mind too much. It already is - like look at me now. I'm just sort of vomiting it all out right now because it's just, it's in there. It's in my head and I can't deal with it anymore. I don't want to deal with it anymore. I'm done. It's okay and I'm fine with it. I truly am fine with it. Yeah? Like, that's fine, that's fine. It's all fine. It's all good. Don't worry about it. I'm good. everyone else is good. And that's it. End of.”
By Jess Boyes8 days ago in Fiction
