Amanda Nicole
Bio
Hey I'm Amanda! I'm a writer, Podcaster and a pet sitter. I'm much more then that! Read my stories to find out :)
https://linktr.ee/amandanicole2393
Stories (74)
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An Open Letter To My Future Self.
Dear Future Self, I just want to start this letter off by saying that I hope you find peace. I hope you finally find the love you deserve. I hope you get the tiny house you were dreaming of. I hope you have a yard full of dogs and cats. I hope you have a vegetable garden and plenty of peace. I hope you finally find healing after years of hurt. I hope you finally learn to love yourself and I hope you continue to share your story in hopes of helping others. I hope you can finally find peace in your heart after years of being at war. I hope you continue to stay sober. You're doing so well with that and I'm beyond proud of you for that. I hope you understand that all the pain you went through was adding to your story, which in turn will help people. I hope you learn to trust people again and don't hate men anymore. I hope you can let go of all your past pain and smile for real. I hope you can feel light in your heart and soul. I hope you can form genuine friendships and maybe fall in love? I hope you can finally feel beautiful after years of feeling ugly. I hope you have the beautiful life you deserve. You've been through alot and some of it was for all intense and purposes probably meant to tear you apart. But it didn't, it made you stronger. It showed you who you really are. It showed you what you deserve and what you don't. It showed you what you truly need from a relationship or a friendship. I hope you know that you are worth it after all the years of thinking otherwise. I hope you realized that not everyone hates you or is out to hurt you. I hope you realized that their are in fact good people out there. I hope you can someday pat yourself on the back for how much you got through in one piece. I hope you can someday smile when telling your story instead of feeling pain and suffering. I hope you can finally have peace in your heart and soul. I hope you can forgive yourself for all the mistakes you made and I hope you can forgive others. I hope you can trust yourself as well as others. I hope you can learn to let your gaurd down to the right people. I hope you can find the kind of love that would sweep you off your feet and make you so happy you can't breathe. I hope you finally fall in love for real. I hope you find someone you can trust and who will love you forever and so genuinely that it will take your breath away. I hope that you can go into this knowing they won't hurt you. I hope you can finally feel safe with someone and know they will protect you. I hope you finally settle with someone and relax for once. I hope that once you find this person all your anxiety will go away and you won't want to push them away. I hope you find happiness with your life and the tiny house, dogs/cats and your husband or wife is all you ever wanted. I hope your company continues growing and you can help others do the same. I hope you can finally do something you've been wanting to do for years on end but never had the right person to do it with. I hope you can sleep.
By Amanda Nicole3 years ago in Humans
I don't want to have kids or get married
I need to begin this story by saying that I'm not bad mouthing anyone who has dreamed of getting married and having kids their whole lives. That's beautiful. Having kids is a selfless gesture and the most pure thing you can do. Giving up your life to raise another life is a beautiful thing. I admire those who do it. But honestly? It's not for me. I don't want it. I don't want kids or a wife or husband. I don't want to be pregnant. I don't want to make a nursery in anticipation of a little one arriving. I don't want any of that. Now to those that do, I admire you. I admire that your hearts desire is to raise another human and teach them all kinds of stuff. I admire that you want to see your kid go off to college and get married and all that. But that's not for me. I don't want to have kids. It's never been on my heart. I don't want a family of my own. At least a human family anyway. I would however love a fur family. I'd love to have a house full of dogs and cats. I'd love to let them play in my fenced in yard while I have breakfast. I'd love to snuggle with them during a thunderstorm or while watching a movie. I'd love to take my dogs on a hike or for a run. I'd love to go swimming with my dogs or camping with all my pets. That's my hearts desire. I don't want human kids. I will love each and every one of my pets the same way a mother loves her child. Unconditionally. I will love them so much and so hard. I will take joy in them and roll my eyes when they do something silly. I will mourn their death when it's time and grieve the loss for a while. I will never forget them. I will simply just try and move on. Now as far as marriage is concerned. I don't want to get married. That requires a level of closeness that I'm neither comfortable with nor ready for. All of my dating experiences have been negative or abusive. I don't believe I'll ever trust someone that deeply or love them that much ever again. I gave someone my heart and they broke it and abused it. I'm not doing that again. I don't want to pick out a wedding dress only to get hurt again potentially. I don't want to have a wedding party or a wedding. I don't want to give my life to someone. To those that do, I completely understand why you would want to do that. I'm not saying don't do it. I'm just saying it's not for me. I need to heal. I need to figure out who I am. I need to get control of my life, heart and emotions. I need to see the world. I need to learn how to be alone and how to support myself. I need to become stronger and less angry. I need to soften my heart. I need to understand what a healthy relationship is and how to treat people. I can't do that in a marriage. I can't expect someone else to wait for me either. That's not fair. I would end up hurting them as well. I need to learn to speak up. I need to learn how to be stronger in my convictions and stop thinking that all I do is mess up. I need to for all intents and purposes: heal.
By Amanda Nicole3 years ago in Confessions
F%ck Self Harm
Trigger warning: If anyone is triggered by the topic of Self Harm. Please don't read this post! I have so many others for you to enjoy. If you'd like to read about my personal experience with Self Harm the only two words I have for you are: Buckle Up.
By Amanda Nicole3 years ago in Psyche
F*ck Baggage
We've all got baggage, whether it's emotional or psychogical. Whatever kind of bagagge it is we've all got it. I know I have baggage, a matching set. I'm not everyone's cup of tea. I'm profane, I have a dirty mind and I have a crazy personality. But aside from all that, I've got baggage. Abuse, Drinking problems, two assaults and an eating disorder haunting me. I'm not "normal" whatever that is. I have triggers that will haunt me for years to come. I have a lot of pent up anger. I have anger towards my ex, my family, so many people. It's sad. I'm trying to soften my heart. Anyways my baggage is heavy. I don't expect anyone else to carry it, that wouldn't be fair. I need to carry it. It's my baggage. I need to unpack it myself. But sometimes in my quietest moments, I wish I had someone to help me unpack. Unpack my baggage. Unpack years of trauma and abuse. Years of not feeling good enough or like everything I do is wrong. Years of not feeling like I would accomplish anything. But that's not necessarily fair. I can't expect someone to help me unpack. I can't expect someone to be there for me 24/7. I can't expect someone to act as a therapist. I need to learn to think for myself. Nobody can do that for me. I'm an adult. I don't know exactly when I'll heal but I'm sure working on it. If you can relate to this in anyway please know that you're not alone. You are most definitley enough. You do matter and nothing you do is wrong. There will be people who will tell you to get over it, and stop being so dramatic. There will be people who will probably tell you that you're making it all up. Those people don't deserve a position in your life. They don't get it. They don't understand, you can't expect them to necessarily. You can't expect them to relate to everything you've been through. They don't deserve a place in your life if they're going to tell you to get over it. Or that you're being dramatic. They should love you enough to be there as you unpack your baggage. They should love you enough to know that you went through hell and back. They should know you're a soldier returning half your weight. They should know you were broken in some form. We all have baggage in one form or another. We all have things haunting us daily. We all have demons and moments of darkness. We've all had moments that will forever change the course of our lives and change who we are as people. We've all had things happen that will make us question our faith in humanity and ourselves. We've all had moments that've broken us and shaped us into different people. We've all had things tramatize us in ways that we'll never be able to explain. The point is we all have baggage, some of us a matching set. And we just need one thing at the end of the day. One thing that will make us a little happier and a trust people a little more and hopefully heal a bit more each day. We need support. We need people around us who love and care for us. We need people who are there for us through thick and thin. Through sickness and health. And most of all if we're really really lucky, despite all the B*lls*it we've been through over the course of our lives we'll find someone who will help us unpack.
By Amanda Nicole4 years ago in Humans
F%ck Therapy
Therapy sounds like it would be terrifying huh? Telling a stranger your deepest darkest secrets and letting them see a side of you that is usually well hidden from others. While it can be terrifying to let someone in like that, it can also be freeing. It can be freeing because you finally let go of demons that you've been holding on to for years. You can change your thinking patterns and heal in a safe space. You can explore many things about your thoughts and learn why it is you might be thinking things. You can cry, and whatever it is you need to do in a judgement confidential zone. I'd be lying to you if I told you Therapy didn't save my life. Therapy has helped me heal from some dark sh*t. It's helped me heal from an abusive realtionship, alcohol addiction, and so much more. It's helped me see things in a different light and understand that maybe there was a purpose for everything. Maybe I had to go through everything I did so that I could come out the other side stronger then ever. I'm learning to love myself and understand that I am worth it. I do deserve love and happiness. Sometimes we need an outside prespective to realize these things. We can't always do these things alone. We need people sometimes. It's never a one person job living.
By Amanda Nicole4 years ago in Humans
Dear Highland Park
Dear Highland Park, I need to begin this letter by saying I know thoughts and prayers are so old by now. That's not what we need. We need change. We need to stop having all these shootings. But I do need to say that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that someone thought it was okay to ruin your holiday parade. I'm sorry that someone thought it was okay to kill all the people they did. I'm sorry that you had to experience that trauma. I'm sorry that you will now have to live with it for the rest of your life. It's not okay. You shouldn't have to be sad everytime the 4th of July rolls around. You should be able to go out and enjoy yourselves without feeling sorrowful of those you lost. What happened shouldn't have happened. We need to do something. My heart is absolutley shattered for you. I know that's not exactly waht you need to hear right now but that's all I can say. I wish I could say I knew how to change things but sadly I don't. I wish I could have done something to prevent this from happening but I couldn't have. I wasn't there. I live in South Carolina. I'm sorry that nobody stopped this from happening. I'm sorry that you now have to grapple with this shock and pain. I'm sorry that you now have to try and process what happened. I honestly don't know what else to say. I wish someone would change something and make this not happen again. I wish someone would understand that this isn't okay and shouldn't be normal. This should not be the year of Mass shootings but sadly that's what it's becoming. We shouldn't be not surprised everytime this happens. People who can make change happen should be listening to us. Someone should do something. I'm so beyond sorry for you. I honestly don't know what else to say. Thoughts and prayers seems a bit unreasonable at this point. It seems a bit pointless.Nobody should have to grapple with this pain and misunderstanding. Nobody should have to say goodbye to family members or friends. I can only say that perhaps we will see each other on the other side. Perhaps we will all be reunited in peace someday. Perhaps someday someone will listen and make changes. Perhaps we will all find peace. I don't know what else to say. This shouldn't be your memory of any day. This shouldn't be something that is included in our history. This will forever tramatize people. This will forever make people sad everytime the holidays roll around. Sometimes we have to deal with sad things but this should not be one of them.We should not be acting like this is normal. Because it's far from normal. It's heinous. This isn't something we should get used to. This is becoming far to normal and that's far from okay. In fact it needs to not be okay. It never was okay but we need rules and regulations and people to feel safe. We can't walk around feeling unsafe and as if we have no freedom. I'm sorry that someone thought ruining your day was okay and I'm sorry that flowers are piling up in the worst way and that nobody knows what to say. I'm sorry that you have to now have difficult conversations with people and your family. I'm sorry that you have to move forward in this state of emotion that may not go away for a while. I'm sorry that nothings changed and I honestly don't know what else to say.
By Amanda Nicole4 years ago in Humans
F*ck Coming out
Last year I came out as Bi-Sexual. It was something I had to do. I couldn't hide it any longer. If I did I honestly don't know what would've happened. But this isn't about that. This is about how how I came out. How I realized that I was Bi-sexual. But before I continue I want to emphasize to anyone who may be struggling with their own sexuality that you're not alone and you are most certainly enough. If anyone doesn't support you they don't deserve to be in your life. You deserve to be your most authentic self and nobody should take that away from you.
By Amanda Nicole4 years ago in Humans
F&ck Perfection
Perfect can be defined as something without flaws or imperfections. Here's a little secret, nothing and nobody is perfect. So if that's the case why are we constantly striving for it? Why are we constantly trying to be perfect. Here's the secret, we've all done things we aren't proud of, we all have regrets and we've all hurt people over the course of our lives. So again why are we constantly striving for it? We need to stop striving for perfection because its not realistic. There is no such thing as perfect. Nothing is without flaws. Everything has flaws. So we need to stop thinking there is a concept of perfection. What can we do instead? We can do our best at everything we do and make great strides towards positive changes. Perfection is not realistic. So we need to embrace our imperfections and understand that they make us who we are. They add to our personalities and make us loved even more by those around us. If everyone was perfect the world would be extremely boring. We also wouldn't have the chance to learn lessons that will help us in the long run and make us stronger people. We need to make mistakes. How else are we going to learn? We can't learn by being perfect. As much as mistakes hurt we have to make them.
By Amanda Nicole4 years ago in Humans
F^cking Memories
Okay, cue the Taylor Swift breakup song right now. I'm actually listening to that song as I write this. Memories are either beautiful or tragic. They're either magical or bittersweet. They're either hurtful or life-changing. I think we all have memories that we remember all too well. Seriously that song gives me chills. It tells a story all too well. I have a story that I will always remember. I'll remember being abused on a daily by someone who was supposed to protect my heart till death. I'll remember being left with more trauma than I knew what to do with. I'll remember loving someone at their worst and them screwing me over at mine. I'll remember being treated like crap, day in and day out. I'll remember my heart physically hurting when it ended and wanting to not live anymore. I'll remember having to pick up the pieces of my heart and the shell of my former self. I'll remember not mattering to the one person to who I was supposed to matter most too. I'll remember being yelled at daily for making even the slightest mistake. I'll remember those things forever. Some things get burned in your mind. I try to forget them. I really try. I'll remember being left with some form of PTSD and going to bed fearing for my life every night.
By Amanda Nicole4 years ago in Humans
F^ck Fear
We all have fears right? Heights, Clowns, Spiders, roller coasters you name it someone's probably scared of it. But those kinds of fears aren't what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the fear of taking risks and moving forward. I'm talking about the fear of trying new things and meeting new people. I'm talking about the fear of moving on from things that hurt you. Those kinds of fears. Do you have those? I'm sure we've all had them at some point. I know I have. I'd love to tell you that I don't have any fears. I'd love to tell you that I'm afraid of nothing, I'd love to tell you that I'm perfectly content with life. But alas I'm not. I have fears just like everyone else. I have concerns about life just like you do. I'm no better or worse then anyone else. In fact I'd like to share some of my fears with you right now. I have fears surrounding dating again, and roller coasters, and death. I have many other fears in those categories but that's about as far as I'm willing to go here. But in this moment I'd like to pose a question to you. What if your fear is the thing you want the most? What if you have to face your fear in order to achieve peace in life? What if the thing your scared of is what you never knew you always needed in life?
By Amanda Nicole4 years ago in Humans
