F*ck Dating

It's been around 3 years since I became Single and one would assume that it would be time to start dating again. One would assume that after some time it would be a good idea to get back out there. While that is normally the case, I am not ready and here's why. As most of you know my last relationship was an abusive one, so with that I'm not ready to date. Dating requires a level of closeness that I'm not ready to explore. Dating requires you to be vulnerable with someone and get really close. It requires you to be open with someone in ways that you wouldn't be with anyone else. And that is something I'm not ready for. I'm not ready to open up to people like that. I'm not ready for any of the things that dating requires. Society puts so much pressure on us to open up and get back out there very quickly. And I need to be honest here and let you know that I've tried. I've tried so hard to get back out there and frankly it's scary. It's not something I feel safe doing. I've tried to flirt with people, message people and all that. I've tried. It doesn't feel good. It feels like I'm doing something wrong. It feels like I'm being a bad person. I have to work on that. It feels like I'm cheating on someone. I have to remember that I'm not cheating on anyone. I have to remember that it's healthy to get back out there and meet new people. It's healthy to make new friends. It's not a bad thing, But I'm not ready for that energy. I don't feel safe doing it either. I don't trust people either. I think that's part of the territory of recovery from abuse. I want everyone to know that if you've been through abuse, not being ready to date is perfectly okay. There is absolutley no rush. Society tries to rush us to get back out there and date. I realize that after some time one would want to get back out there, and don't get me wrong I'd love to get back out there. But right now I don't feel safe. This is a big deal. I'm working on feeling safe with someone. And to be honest, I've never been in love. I've never loved someone. I've been tramua bonded but not in love. Looking back it was extremley clear that I wasn't in love. I was trapped. I have no idea what love feels like. I need to learn. Now the question becomes, how is one supposed to know what love feels like if they don't try? And while that's a fair question to ask, I will only answer with it takes time. The only being I'm capable of loving is my dog. My dog saved my life and I will be forever indebted to her. Dating is not something I'm into. Now do I have moments where I desprately want to be loved and cherished? Absolutley. But I need to sit this one out for awhile and maybe forever. Maybe I'll never feel safe with a person in a romantic setting. Maybe I'll just be single forever. Who knows. But what I do know is that no matter what happens, I'll be okay. I'll be doing exactly what I need to be doing and I'll be exactly where I need to be. And most of all at the end of the day I'll be perfectly and utterly healed from all the crap in life.