"Do Your Worst!" unofficial challenge winners!

Last month I hosted an unofficial writing challenge, prompting any fellow writers to craft a playlist of intolerable music. I was looking for recs that would make me suffer.

Here's the original challenge announcement....

It sounds like people had fun with this prompt and I'm glad to hear that, but... I was left with the regrettable task of listening to what felt like an eternity of godawful music!

I know, I chose to invite this punishment, so I must accept it. I can't complain. I literally asked for people to hurt me.

Proof:

I’m looking for recs, of the very worst songs you know! Play me something that will make me suffer, play me something you yourself hate. I’m looking for the kind of music that will ruin my day, or perhaps even my week.

To that end, I will be awarding (2) five dollar tips, at the conclusion of this contest.

(1) five dollar tip will be awarded to the author who helps me discover music I most profoundly wish did not exist. In other words, whoever recommends a song I’ve never heard and which I most intensely regret finally hearing, will receive 5 dollars!

(1) five dollar tip will be awarded to whoever submits the “best” writing. I don’t have specific details or expectations as to what will make anyone’s writing stand out in this category, but just know that I appreciate masterful use of language, and will want to award anyone who can write beautifully about ugly music. Use comedy, scathing critique, or emotional depth and sincerity— or what ever you feel comfortable with to help set your writing apart.

Anyway, I have reviewed all the entries a second time and decided on who I'd like to select as the winners. Deciding on the winners was a tough call, because there were so many terrible songs showcased through so much good writing!

Before I announce the specific winners, I'd like to thank each of the writers who responded to the challenge-- in chronological order of when each submission was posted to the challenge:

1. Some Music YOU Will Probably Hate

by Mike Singleton 💜 Mikeydred

Mike was the first to write up a playlist in this challenge-- and he actually introduced me to all new music, including 2 songs I now love and 2 songs I now hate!

His writing was full of entertaining anecdotes which gave the playlist a personal feel. The song I liked best was "Glad to be Gay" by the Tom Robinson Band. The lyrics are full of scathing political criticism-- which I appreciate. I liked the musical arrangement and the singer's delivery is spot on.

Still as far as finding a song I can't help but hate, Mike's list hit hard with the song "Orange Claw Hammer" by Captain Beefheart. That was misery for my ears. I recommend reading Mike's write up and skipping the ever-loving-fuck out of that song!

Also, if you are looking for more unofficial challenges you should definitely follow Mike's vocal profile. He often showcases unofficial challenges that he's found in the community, and he's a prolific writer so you'll always find something new when you check his page.

2. I can't bear it with my ears, eyes too

by Darkos

Some pretty annoying stuff on Darkos' playlist!

3. These Songs Suck

by Sara Wilson

Sara's writing really resonated with me, her wit is so sharp and the tone of her writing resulted in criticisms that were deadly accurate! Not only was her write up an extremely satisfying read, her music recommendations included two entirely unlistenable songs: "Pop" by NSYNC and "Hello Kitty" by Avril Lavigne. I'd love to never hear either of those songs ever again please and thanks!

Also, Sara posts lots of really compelling poetry-- with a sense of personal depth. She's worth checking out on here!

4. When Ears Implode

by Lamar Wiggins

Lamar led with one of my most hated songs of all time-- "Shut up and Dance" by Walk the Moon. I probably hate that song more than the songs I included on my own example playlist-- but I had quite happily forgotten about its existence... Until Lamar went and reminded me! Thanks a lot man!

I can forgive him because his write up was hilarious-- he definitely has a knack for comedic timing. Lamar's write up actually won some recognition as a top story, so it's definitely worth a read! While you're at it, take a look at his other posts. I've been following for a while and his fiction always feel entirely original and exceptionally well written, he's a standout author on this site and definitely worth your time.

5. When Talent is Non-Existent

by Paul Stewart

I really enjoyed reading Paul's take on the songs he listed-- he really did not shy away from digging right into the cheesy lyrics and tone on some of his playlist. He also had some pretty spot-on roasts along with some word play that made me laugh. Paul's another very prolific writer-- with lots of vocal achievements to flex. Take a look at his profile, you're bound to find something you like!

Also shame on me-- when I went through the submissions to tally up entries-- and decided to subscribe to any authors I wasn't already following. And I realized: I'm somehow NOT already subscribed to Paul?... I really thought I was! Anyway, I'm rectifying that mistake right damn now. Paul's one of the names I recognize as an excellent writer and I know I've read and enjoyed a bunch of his stuff, so I absolutely want his stuff showing up in my feed.

6. Songs that Should Not Exist

by Tim Carmichael

Oh dear God! Some really unbearable music on Tim's list. And he earned top story, so you know the write up was good!

Thankfully, Tim goes at each of these cringe tracks with brutal verbal takedowns. His write up pulls no punches, and his rationale feels almost too well reasoned. There's nothing here anyone can refute! I especially appreciate his criticism of the song "Chinese Food" for its cultural insensitivity.

All that being said, I almost wish he hadn't even included that song on his list. I was definitely happier before I knew it existed :( Still, that was the point of this challenge.

7. Least Favorite Songs List

by Tiffany Gordon

Tiffany wrote a well-rounded list, spanning several genres and even bringing in the iconically bad rendition of "She Bangs" by William Hung! still, as bad as that one is I'd say the most unlistenable song on Tiffany's list is "Baby Daddy" by B-Rock.... Phew, that's a rough one. Still, she makes the listening actually tolerable by bracing each entry with sharp roasts, undeniable wit, and ACCURATE criticism.

8. Five Songs that Irritate My Ears

by Rick Henry Christopher

Rick took a far more technical approach to the music and recording than most of the other entries. I don't have any real knowledge of what goes into the recording process, so I appreciated hearing his insights! Also, he introduced me to an exceptionally bad song "Solitaire" by Neil Sedaka-- I've always found his voice and musical style absolutely revolting, so as far as unpleasant song recs go, that's spot on! And Rick also taught me that song was covered (and vastly improved) by the Carpenters.

9. 5 Songs I Despise

by Annie Kapur

Annie's write up roasts the hell out of a bunch of cheesy music-- also touching on "Shut up and Dance" as one of the worst things ever recorded!

10. Discordant Sounds

by Reb Kreyling

On a second read, the thing I most appreciate about this write up is how Reb roasted a song from a praised band! Reb talks about going to shows and really admiring the band Gaelic Storm, but still has the courage and authenticity to admit that one of their songs just doesn't cut it!

I admire that.

Also, Reb brought up a song that's truly legendary for how unbearable it is: "The Song that Doesn't End" by Sheri Lewis-- no thanks!

11. Five Songs That Should Find A Permanent Home In The Red Hot Center Of A Collapsing Star

by Matthew Fromm

Haha, wow. What a title. Matthew's write up balances witty take downs with that particular edge that makes a hated song feel personal. I especially enjoyed the way he skewered Luke Combs' cover of "Fast Car"-- the white washing really rubs me wrong too.

12. How to Ruin a Day in Five Tracks (and Accidentally Save One)

by Fatal Serendipity

Fatal might have written the best opening line of any piece so far: "Not every hymn belongs to God. Some belong to the grifters." That is such a deadly and accurate condemnation of soulless art! Fatal's whole write up is exceptionally well put together-- even to the point where I can't help but admire their harsh critique of a song I enjoy from one of my all time favorite bands! Check out Fatal's write up, it's very much worth the time!

13. EarPlosions

by Mackenzie Davis

Mackenzie delivered a powerful write up here, clear minded and direct in her criticisms. She also hit, quite hard, with one of my favorite lines from any write up so far: "Dear rare listener who likes this song. Please pitch it to me." haha, love that! Such a brutal, savage take down of bad music in general. And entirely relatable-- when you hear something that just causes you auditory pain it's almost unfathmobable that real, thinking humans could like the song ya hate! This line gets that whole sentiment boiled down to just a few words.

Mackenzie also earned a top story placement for her writing, so you know it's worth checking out!

14. Five of the worst songs of all time.

by Sean Callaghan

Oh man! I can't believe "Disco Duck" is a thing. What a terrible song. Wow! Thanks and no thanks to Sean for introducing me to this trash-ass music.

Also, I agree with his thoughts on Paul McCartney's Christmas song flop. Check out his write up and prepare to be impressed by how well researched his critiques were-- including some interesting trivia about the creative energies that produced each listed song.

15. An All-Skips Playlist

by Kay Husnick

Kay's write up also earned a top story recognition-- a strong indicator that her writing is worth your time! But be warned, her playlist is only worth listening to if you're in the mood for some pain! Terrible tracks on this list, wouldn't wish them on anybody's ears!

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Well that's the full list of entries-- there was one other good one from Blythe, which I'm not including in the final tally because it was retracted before the close of this challenge. If you have time, check out her profile though-- her writing is full of emotional depth and a unique command of the language. Her poetry is especially compelling!

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As for the winners...

This was REALLY tough to boil down because so many playlists offered truly unlistenable music-- and outstanding writeups/ critiques.

After much deliberation, I've concluded the first winner, of the five dollar tip for the category of Very Worst Music Recommendation must go to Mackenzie Davis for her EarPlosions playlist! If you didn't check it out yet, scroll back up and catch the imbedded link.

I actually liked her first song-- not as much as the original... But "Memories" sucks extremely hard, no surprise there, it's a Maroon 5 song! "Call Me Maybe" is terrible too! Still, neither of these terrible recommendations earned Mackenzie the win because they weren't new to me. I'd heard them both already, and part of the requirement for this category was the recommendation of something I'd never heard before.

The song that clinched the 5 dollar tip for Mackenzie was "Dance Monkey" by Tone and I. Yuck!

There were so many unlistenable songs from everybody's recommendations but "Dance Monkey" is hands down one of the very worst things I have ever heard. The singer's voice is impossible for me to bear.

I'm going to try very hard to forget this track exists! Congrats to Mackenzie for earning a fiver by torturing my ears :(

The second tip, for the Category of most compelling writing was even harder to narrow down, because so many outstanding writers responded to the challenge.... Truly, I wish I could afford to send out 6 or 7 tips here, but I better stick to the promised award. On that note, I'd like to congratulate Fatal Serendipity for their "How to Ruin a Day in Five Tracks" playlist, and for crafting the writeup that moved me the most.

Among so many incredible pieces, it's tough to narrow down what gave Fatal's entry the final edge.

Part of it boiled down to a truly killer first line, but the quality never lagged. Fatal balanced scathing critique with vital historical context and emotional weight with the concept of art philosophy. Also, I can't help but appreciate their take down of one of my favorite bands.

But I think what clinched this win for Fatal was the specific commentary on Michael W Smith's "This is Your Time". Heavy stuff, but well thought out and well presented, through a powerful command of the language. Congrats Fatal, the second five dollar tip is heading your way!

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Big thank you to everyone who participated, especially to those entries which made me laugh :)

I really appreciate ya'll for taking the time to share your bad music recs and putting the thought into such entertaining write ups. Especially glad to see some of you folks win top story recognition for your work, I believe each recognition was well deserved!

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Thanks for reading and I hope you took some time to check out the awesome writers who replied to this challenge! Some great people to follow in these lists.

If you listened to all the ear torture they recommended, and happen to have any still stuck in your head, then maybe I should send you off with a good jam to clean out those ear worms: Song I Hate, by The Toadies!

And hey-- if you're looking for another unofficial writing challenge...

I actually have another one I'd like to invite you to! Going on right now, Wolfish fiction for Halloween! If that sounds interesting you can read the unofficial announcement here:

And don't forget about Mike Singleton's page, if you're hungry for more challenges from other writers in the Vocal community :)