Him

Sophia woke up abruptly after tossing and turning and successfully rolling herself off the bed, crushing the remnants of last night’s takeout. Listening to the soft pounding of the music next door as she stared at the darkness above her, she briefly wondered if she’d ever have the energy to throw a party like the neighbors were again. She sat up groggily, shoving aside an empty bottle of cherry vodka and rubbing her tired eyes before focusing on the clock. It was only five o’clock in the morning. She hadn’t fallen asleep until after two. On the bright side, she’d slept more than she had the previous few nights. Maybe if she slept for five hours straight next time she would celebrate. Buy a bottle of fancy wine and a couple bags of Doritos.

Rising to her feet unsteadily, she let the sheets, dampened from sweat-inducing nightmares, crumple to the ground in a soggy heap. She’d been washing them nearly every day. Clean sheets provide comfort, they say. Suffering from insomnia? Wash your sheets! She’d seen it on some blog a few weeks ago. It seemed pointless, but it was one of the few things she deemed herself capable of doing. She gathered up her sheets and blankets once again heading straight for the laundry room. Undressing, she threw in her pajamas as well. They were pretty much all she ever bothered to wear anymore. Her suitcases full of clothes still remained in the front entryway, completely untouched.

As she wandered aimlessly through the apartment, she stopped in the kitchen to feed her fish, her one responsibility of the day. While the tank took up an inconveniently large portion of the rather non-existent counter space, she hadn’t picked up any furniture besides the bed, and she felt the poor fish had done nothing to deserve the floor.

“Hey, Professor Bubbles.” She’d grown strangely attached to the little goldfish. He had been a house-warming gift from her best friend after she realized that her new landlord didn’t tolerate any sort of four-legged, furry, or noisy animal in the apartment. Discrimination, she thought to herself, I wanted a guinea pig but no…They’re four-legged and furry. So bothersome. At least with Professor Bubbles to keep her company she didn’t feel like she was completely alone in this new and unfamiliar place. She was hours away from her old home with her new best friend, a fish that could apparently live up to thirty years if taken care of properly. Picking up a couple more crossed her mind - she could be the crazy fish lady.

She swung open the refrigerator door out of habit. She made a careful mental list of the items in there, a daily chore she had established years ago. Leftover pizza that was who knows how old, a half-eaten jar of pickles, some shredded cheese, a couple beers, and one moldy tortilla. Grimacing, she threw out the tortilla and slammed the fridge door shut, rattling the empty glass bottles that had accumulated on top. Her grocery list still sat on the counter with fifty bucks next to it. It had been pressuring her to go out for nearly two weeks, yet she hadn’t touched it since she’d placed it there.

The flashing answering machine caught her eye, and she hesitated momentarily before hitting play.

2 unheard messages

First unheard message

“Sophia, it's Hallie. You know, your best friend? Please charge your cell. Everyone is worried about you. Everyone is coming after me for information, and I have nothing to tell them. We haven’t heard from you in nearly two weeks. Please let someone know you’re okay. We miss you. I hope you’re okay… I love you, Soph.”

Reluctantly she plugged in her cell on the kitchen counter as the message auto-deleted.

Second unheard message

“Sophia. We need to talk.”

End of messages

She froze at the five simple words. The familiar male voice sent goosebumps all over her body. She thought she would never hear it again. How had He gotten her new number? She’d moved, gotten a new car, and changed both her phone numbers. He wasn’t supposed to be able to find her. Who knew his stalking capabilities were so profound?

Unusually cold and trying incredibly hard to stay calm, Sophia walked into the bathroom. She couldn’t be freaking out now… or ever actually. That was a luxury she no longer allowed herself, one she’d done enough of in the past six months to last a lifetime. She turned on the water and, before she could get in, caught sight of herself in the mirror. She sighed, poking her now prominent hip bones and ribs. She missed her curves, but eating had become more difficult than she ever thought possible. She used to hate her fuller, curvy body, but now she would have given anything to have it back. She looked unhealthy, unhappy, and empty. Attempting to shake the negative thoughts out of her head, she stepped into the shower. The hot water stung and bit her body. Her skin quickly turned red under the cascading water, but it was a pain that she was used to. A pain she had started to welcome.

As she methodically washed her long, blonde hair, she thought back to the first time He had touched her. They hadn’t been going out very long when He had tried pressuring her into things she wasn’t ready for. He did them anyways. Of course He apologized immediately afterwards, and she forgave Him. Because that’s the kind of person she is… Or at least was. It took her nearly a year to leave. Months of abuse. Sexual. Emotional. Physical... Almost a year wasted on a man that hurt her more than she ever thought possible. She hadn’t seen or heard from Him in three weeks, yet here He was leaving a voicemail on her brand new answering machine.

She had quit her job, moved out of town, and found herself a modest apartment using the money her parents had left for her. Being the only offspring of dead, rich parents had only one perk. She’d melted off the grid. Well, not really. She’d let a few close friends know about her new residency. She loved them too much to leave them in the dark. Everything she did, she did to get away from Him and her memories of Him. Her fresh start wasn’t much of a “fresh” start apparently. All she’d managed to do so far was purposely miss a couple of counseling appointments, scarcely furnish her new home, and spend ridiculous amounts of money on alcohol.

Stepping out of the shower as a prune, she wrapped herself tightly in a towel. As she passed the kitchen she could hear her phone buzzing continuously on the counter. She walked over to watch as hundreds of emails, text messages, voicemails, and app updates came across. It would take hours for her to go through. No one ever used to talk to me, she thought. Note to self: If you want to become popular among your friends, disappear for two weeks.

Just dialing her friend Hallie took so much effort, she knew she’d only be emotionally capable of just this one phone call today. Hopefully it would be enough.

“Sophia?”

“Yes, Hallie. I’m alive.”

“Thank god. I was so worried. Everyone is so worried.” I gathered that.

“You need to learn to keep your cell phone charged.” Okay.

“You also need to pick up your goddamn landline sometimes.” Okay.

“There’s a reason I made you get one.” I know. You know me too well.

“How are you feeling?” I feel like shit, Hallie.

“Have you been going to therapy like we talked about?” Haha, no.

“Are you taking all of your meds?” Maybe. Maybe not.

“Have you been eating and drinking?” Sometimes.

“Please tell me you’ve been taking care of yourself.” I’m doing the best I can…

She would have rambled on for hours if Sophia would have let her.

“Hallie, shut up. I’m fine.” She finally interrupted.

“Fine as in okay? Fine as in just fine? Or fine as in not fine at all?”

“I’m just fine.”

She was quiet for a moment. “Okay. I love you.”

“I love you too. I’ll call you if I need anything. Okay?”

“Okay. Call me even if you don’t need anything. Call me for whatever stupid reason you can think of. And maybe next weekend I’ll drive up there, and we can get drunk and play Super Mario Brothers like old times.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

“How’s Professor Bubbles?”

“He’s surprisingly great company.”

“Really? I’m glad.”

“Yeah, he listens to me rant, he requires no physical contact, and he stares at me, making me feel like quite the catch.”

Hallie laughed. “Nice fishing pun.”

“Shhh. Don’t talk about fishing, he might hear you.”

“I’m happy to hear your sense of humor isn’t gone. Promise me you’ll call sometimes?”

“I promise.” I briefly considered telling her about the message from Him, but I didn’t want to worry her anymore than she already had.

“Take care of yourself, Sophia.”

“I will.” She hung up and realized she felt a little lighter. Maybe all she really needed was someone not in glass to talk to. She missed Hallie. A lot actually. It was nice to hear her voice, and even though she would ask thousands of questions if Sophia let her, she would never push her into talking about something she wasn’t ready for.

Sophia decided she finally had the capability to lug one of her suitcases into her bedroom. Digging out clean underwear, pants, and her favorite hoodie comforted her and reminded her of old, easier times. She had finally wiggled into her tightest skinny jeans that had definitely been quite tighter at some time when she thought she heard the front door open. She froze and tried to remember if she’d locked it or not. She had gotten really bad about remembering to, especially on the nights she was drinking.

Silently, she closed and locked her bedroom door. With her ear against the wood, the unmistakable sound of heavy footsteps could be heard. She’d left her cellphone in the kitchen; fortunately, there was a landline in the bedroom.

She backed away from the door as quickly and quietly as possible, rolling up the sleeves of the too-big hoodie, and dialed 911. It only rang once. “911, what’s your emergency?”

“There’s someone in my apartment.” She whispered and hurriedly gave her address.

“We’ll send someone over immediately. Does the intruder know where you are?”

“Not yet. I’m in my locked bedroom, but I doubt it’ll take him long to find me.”

Just then there was a pound on the door. “Sophia! It’s me, babe. I know you’re in there. Did you really think moving and changing a couple numbers would stop me?” His angry voice reached out and tightly squeezed her lungs. Of course it was Him. She dropped the phone with a clatter.

“Open the door, dammit. Come on, baby. I miss you.” His voice turned sweet, and she briefly considered opening the door, embracing him, and forgetting about all of the bad. That’s what she knew how to do, it was what she used to do, and it was easy. She thought back to the last time she’d opened her door to him. He’d stood on her front porch all dressed up just for her, carrying flowers and a bottle of her favorite wine. They’d had dinner, danced, and he’d said the three beautiful words I love you for the first time. Instead of feeling happy and elated, she felt nauseous. She didn’t say it back, and all she could remember was his red hot anger. That night was their last night.

The doorknob started to rattle, bringing Sophia back into reality.

“What do you want?”

The banging and rattling stopped and He was quiet for a moment.

“Oh, it’s so great to hear your voice. I want you, baby,” He whispered. “I want you back.”

“You’re done hurting me.”

“You’re right. I am. I didn’t mean any of it. I never wanted to hurt you. I’m sorry. Please, come back to me.”

Sophia said nothing. She’d heard it a thousand times. The apology, the promise to never do it again, the begging for her back. But it was all lies. She wouldn’t go back this time. She’d had enough.

He clearly disliked her silence. “Sophia! Open the fucking door. I love you. Let me be with you.”

She heard him take a few steps back and throw himself against the door. The wood held pretty well, but she knew it wouldn’t hold him forever.

“You are mine. Do you hear that, Sophia? Mine.”

She crawled into the closet and curled into a ball in the corner while trying to remain calm. “Ma’am. Are you still there? Are you alright?” She could faintly hear the 911 dispatcher from the other side of the room. Sophia closed her eyes and focused on her breathing. The police will be here soon, she thought to herself as he continued to try and break down her door. The police will be here soon.

***Two months later***

“So how are you feeling?”

Sophia shrugged in her oversized, overstuffed armchair.

“How did your week go?”

She examined her fingernails but said nothing.

“Did your friends visit you?”

A small nod was the only hint that she’d even heard the therapist.

“Did Hallie come with you again today? Did you not want her to come into the office this time?”

She turned sideways in the chair, throwing her legs lazily over the armrest.

“We can sit here in silence this week too if that’s what you need, Sophia.”

He waited briefly for any sort of response, when he understood that he wasn’t going to get one he continued, “You should be proud of yourself for showing up today. What you went through was a traumatizing experience, and it must have taken a lot of courage to come in here again.”

Sophia looked around the minimalist room. No décor, no interesting objects to hold her attention. The simplicity of it annoyed her: there was nothing to stare at.

“Sophia, talking about what happened to you is the second step for your recovery. The first is your presence here.”

The word “recovery” bounced around in her mind. It was a nice thought… recovering.

“I think it would help if you talked to me about Tyler.”

She flinched at the sound of His name. The pronouns had helped distance herself from him, and hearing His name brought back too many memories.

“Hallie and I spoke a little last time. You and Tyler dated for around eleven months. Correct?”

She had flinched at His name again. It was too much. Tears started to form in her eyes.

“I’m sorry, Sophia. If it’s too much today, we can always try again next time. As I said earlier, it’s very impressive that you’re coming to these sessions. It’s a start.”

Her eyes started to burn, and as she blinked, burning hot tears rolled down her face before splattering onto her t-shirt. “Please don’t say His name again.”

“Pardon?”

“His name? Don’t say it.”

“Of course. What kind of feelings do you have when I say his name?”

She closed her eyes and whispered, “Fear…Anger…Sadness…Confusion…Shame.”

“Why shame?”

“It’s my fault. All of it.”

“How so?”

“I was so desperate for someone to love me, I should have noticed how terrible he was treating me. I could’ve left, I could’ve fought back, but I always just gave in to what He wanted. I felt like I didn’t have a choice in the matter; I deserved the way he acted to me. It just became normal. Eventually I had myself convinced that that was what a normal relationship looked like. He could be so perfect, but flip in an instant. I ignored the bad parts.”

“I want you to think about something.”

“Okay?”

“Imagine if your entire situation hadn’t happened to you but had happened to Hallie.”

Sophia let out one lone sob at the thought of her best friend dealing with Him.

“Now imagine she said to you what you just said to me about shame. What would you say to her?”

Sophia contemplated the question for several moments. She couldn't get any words out, but tears burned trails down her cheeks.

“Think about what we talked about today over the next week. Okay, Sophia? I’ll see you on Tuesday.”

They both stood up, and he escorted her to the door. “Great progress today. Take care.”

“Bye,” Sophia muttered as she shuffled into the reception area where Hallie waited patiently.

Hallie stood up to hug her, “Hey, how’d it go?”

Instead of answering her question, Sophia squeezed her friend tightly. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

They stood there for a moment before Sophia’s stomach growled.

“Pizza?” Hallie chuckled.

“Okay.”

As they walked to the car, hand and hand, for the first time in a long time for at least that small moment, the only thing on Sophia’s mind was her empty stomach.

~~~~~

Hi all, I just wanted to say that while this is a work of fiction, many women have been in abusive relationships or assaulted in some way. For information and resources for survivors (or loved ones of survivors) please check out It's Sexual Assault Awareness Month.