What do I know?

I blasted rock music in my airpods as I made myself breakfast; Nickelback singing about my pants around my feet while the eggs cooked. Was it necessary to listen to Chad Kroeger at top volume? Yes, yes, it was. I needed to drown out the dribble coming from the pastor on the tv.

I had learned to keep my ears focused elsewhere whenever my parents listened to their online sermons, which was twice a week. Along with their regularly scheduled malarky on FOX news; which was always.

I couldn't bear to listen to a single second of how trans people were unsafe for children, liberals were ruining the country, gay marriage was wrong, women who had abortions were murderers, and terrorist groups were threatening the people of god. Not a SINGLE. SECOND.

Oh, and did I mention, those topics were shat on in BOTH programs? Hmm...

Let's see now, that's... sexism, political alignment, institutionalism, health care, and geo-politics... all being talked about in the church.

That's interesting. None of those sound like topics that an all-powerful, all-knowing, unconditionally-loving god... would care about. But what do I know? I'm just a heretic now.

But when the church is not harping on political topics, they'll go from door to door asking if you've found Jesus (then they call you the one 'lost'), and preach the 'good news.'

The good news being that you're a sinner, deserving of hell (great start to 'good news,' I didn't realize we were starting with the bad news first, but carry on); however, you won't go to hell if you accept Jesus into your heart.

This is actually a classic example of a sales pitch, but I'll get into that another time. The concept is not a difficult one to grasp, and it hinges greatly on vulnerability and hope. You're made vulnerable by believing that you're a sinner and you're bound for the fiery pit of hell, then given hope because Jesus can save you from that pit of hell.

I was drip-fed this concept as a child. That this belief was the ONLY truth, that EVERYTHING else was a lie, EVERYTHING else was wrong, and that looking into anything else might make me susceptible to the lies of 'the enemy.' I was also not aware of the definition for 'cult.'

I was discouraged from educating myself on other religions because they were 'wrong.' I was told that the answers to all my questions were found in the word of God, being the sixty-six books in today's modern Bible. Well, when you have more questions than answers after going through 'The Word,' wouldn't you keep looking?

I did, and I started to find answers to my questions in Jewish books, such as the Midrash Tanhuma, along with stories in the Quran, various apocryphal books, and stories from indigenous tribes.

Looking at history, I learned how colonization was masked as evangelism, misogyny was rebranded as obedience, and capitalism was lovingly referred to as tithe. I became livid. Not angry, not upset. Livid. Because I was made tame by the church. I consistently had to hold my tongue, 'be nice,' act like a lady, be conservative, don't do anything (or wear anything) that would 'cause your brother to stumble.'

Disrespectfully... Stumble bitch, I'd love to watch you face plant.

However, what pushed me to leave the church was none of those things. It was seeing how Christians treat anyone outside of the church. If you are not inside their fragile bubble or echo chamber, you are considered 'other' and, thus, a threat. This includes good people.

Those who have helped others; those who feed people who can't feed themselves, those who have taken others in, those who PROTECT children. These are people who have been ostracized by the church and held in contempt because they don't share the same viewpoint as Christians.

Hence, why I'd rather listen to Chad Kroeger talk dirty to me... or sing dirty to me at full blast, than listen to another sermon that has to do with a political agenda.

But in the eyes of the Christians? In the eyes of my own family?

I strayed from the straight and narrow when I started making unfavorable decisions. When I began traveling and inquiring about other religions, beliefs, and history from another perspective. Now I'm considered 'lost,' unable to enter the kingdom of Heaven for my crimes.

I educated myself and became the enemy.

Perhaps that's why they say, 'ignorance is bliss.' But what do I know?