The Gristle – Issue 1
All the news you need from the United Kingdom
NHS Replaces Mental Health Services with Hug from Holographic Wes Streeting
Facing a mounting mental health crisis, the government has unveiled a bold new therapeutic initiative: a soothing, three-minute embrace from a hologram of Health Secretary Wes Streeting.
The 3D video softly repeats “We’re listening” while looping a non-physical pat on the back. The projection units, built from upcycled COVID briefing podiums, are being installed at Boots branches nationwide.
Users describe the experience as "awkward and creepy" but “less harrowing than calling 111.”
🅖
TV Companies Scramble For Rights to Russell Brand Legal Drama 'Re:Brand'
Following recent charges, producers are racing to sign Russell Brand for the lead role of 'Russell Brand' in upcoming TV drama 'Re:Brand'.
Seen as a post-DEI, post-truth ratings winner, the show follows the charismatic, New Age dandy through his legal, moral, and supplement-based battles.
A Channel 5 spokesperson praised Brand's commitment to authenticity and firsthand experience of the legal system:
“Russell was born to make drama. In our cancel culture, Russell doesn’t just reinvent himself—he reinvents the very concept of accountability.”
Brand, whose career encompasses stand-up, Hollywood, wellness podcasting, and sewage-outflow baptisms, said in a video from his Essex yurt:
“This role represents the final phase in my evolution from my basest Earthly self into a vibrator of peace, truth and harmony. This is not a comeback, it's a karmic convergence.”
His character will monologue from the dock about "the deep state", the "plandemic", "the great reset" and evangelise about a different religion every week.
Episode titles include: Namaste-ing In Custody; Gaslight My Way; I Kissed A Girl (And I Don't Care If She Liked It); Representing Myself; and Staying Free At His Majesty's Pleasure.
His legal fund is sponsored by ExpressVPN and Black Forest Supplements.
🅖
New Border Policy 'Gamifying' Asylum Interviews with Musical Chairs
Phase 1 asylum applicants will now compete in the music-based, limited seating party game Musical Chairs.
The new Home Office directive will "streamline processing time" and "add a bit of fun” to the soul-crushing, life-destroying bureaucratic limbo.
Songs on the playlist include "Should I Stay or Should I Go”, "Don’t You Want Me" and "(Your Residency Hopes Are) Like A Candle In The Wind".
Successful applicants will move to Phase 2 with further party games:
- Pin the Blame on the Migrant – Applicants are blindfolded and given a Home Office sticker to place on a world map. If it lands on a region of political unrest, Islamic fundamentalism, gay oppression, or widespread human trafficking, the player wins the chance to resettle there.
- Pass the Deportation Order – Applicants pass a manila envelope around a circle. When the music stops, whoever’s holding the envelope is taken directly to the nearest offshore processing barge, or, if unavailable, an abandoned Travelodge.
- Border Twister – Coloured circles correspond to a different aspect of asylum law. Success requires placing one hand on “Article 3 of the Human Rights Act,” one foot on “Safe Third Country,” and any other limb on “Widely Misunderstood Convention”. Any misstep results in deportation.
In related news, ministers have denied that Heathrow's third runway will be used as long-term parking for uncleared repatriation flights.
🅖
Tories Housing Crisis Solution To Recategorise Benches As 'Garden Studios'
With home ownership now a nostalgic memory, the Conservative Party has proposed a reclassification of public benches as “ultra-compact sustainable fixed living solutions.”
Michael Gove hails the move as “the future of living lightly.” Tenancies are offered on a rolling zero-hours basis, guaranteeing "absolutely flexibility and no complicated rights."
In a joint partnership, Tesco are offering residents free cardboard cladding.
🅖
New Stop-and-Search Guidelines Based on Daily Mail Comment Threads
Controversial police 'stop-and-search' laws have been updated by AI systems trained on unmoderated Daily Mail comment threads.
The first arrests have included a vegan, a cyclist, and a woman with a reusable coffee cup.
A Met Police spokesperson said, “We listened to your feedback about the systemic racism of stop-and-search. With our expanded guidelines, we now target more white and middle class demographics than ever.”
Civil liberties groups have warned that the algorithm disproportionately targets liberal minorities, including matcha drinkers, people with coloured hair, and anyone who has ever voted for the Greens.
Data experts warn of cases where the system confuses actual criminals with someone "being on benefits and owning a TV".
Figures reveal no reduction in searches of black and ethnic minorities.
🅖
New Plan to House Refugees Inside Priti Patel’s Conscience: "It’s Completely Empty”
Shadow Immigration ministers have proposed repurposing ex-Cabinet front-bencher Priti Patel’s conscience as an ideal space for displaced families.
“There’s acres of untouched space,” noted one official. “No ethical clutter. Pretty much the definition of a hostile environment.”
Surveyors found low-to-moderate levels of black mould and Legionnaire's disease, suggesting the former Home Secretary's moral void would be ideal as affordable housing.
🅖
City Firm Uses Facial Recognition to Detect Existential Breakdown
As part of its return-to-office clampdown, JPMorgan Chase have implemented new camera technology to monitor worker morale.
Employees flagged in bodily positions such as “defeated posture” or “silent weeping” will face a three-strikes policy.
The financial giant has partnered with AI firm Darktrace to detect demeanours including "intractible ennui", "existential malaise", "anticapitalist leanings" and "high-functioning depression".
Union representatives were contacted, but are currently on strike.
🅖
Other headlines:
- Government cost-cutting reduces number of chairs available for Musical Chairs asylum interviews
- Celebrity Big Brother housemates struggle to remember more than the chorus of Chesney Hawkes's only UK hit
- King Charles names new tumour 'Andrew'
- London renters submit first-born child as flat deposit
🅖
You've got issues? We've got issues!
About the Creator
Addison Alder
Writer of Wrongs. Discontent Creator. Editor of The Gristle.
100% organic fiction 👋🏻 hand-wrought in London, UK 🇬🇧
🌐 Linktr.ee, ✨ Medium ✨, BlueSky, Insta
Reader insights
Outstanding
Excellent work. Looking forward to reading more!
Top insights
Compelling and original writing
Creative use of language & vocab
Easy to read and follow
Well-structured & engaging content
Excellent storytelling
Original narrative & well developed characters
Expert insights and opinions
Arguments were carefully researched and presented
Eye opening
Niche topic & fresh perspectives
On-point and relevant
Writing reflected the title & theme
Keep reading
More stories from Addison Alder and writers in The Swamp and other communities.
Baby's First Steps (Ending)
The ISS is oscillating, gently but constantly. I am tethered in the Soyuz descent module. It's docked at the far end of the Russian Zvezda module, mothballed and neglected. For decades since the 1960s, these old Russian ships had been our Crew Return Vehicles – our lifeboats – until SpaceX's Dragon programme superceded them.
By Addison AlderExclusive • about a year ago
America, Russia And Other Warships Head To India: What’s Coming Next?
In a rare demonstration of naval activity, fleets from the United States, Russia, and other key powers are reportedly heading toward India in what analysts describe as a “strategic maritime convergence.” This development has caught the attention of global security experts, as it signals potential shifts in geopolitical alignments and raises questions about the future of regional stability in the Indo-Pacific. The Arrival of Global Fleets Reports indicate that multiple naval vessels, including advanced warships from the US and Russia, are en route to Indian waters. While military exercises are routine, the presence of these fleets together in a region that has witnessed rising tensions over territorial disputes and trade routes has raised eyebrows. Analysts note that India’s strategic location, bridging the Indian Ocean and the Pacific, makes it a focal point for naval power projection. The United States has maintained a robust naval presence in the Indo-Pacific for decades, primarily to safeguard trade routes, deter Chinese expansion, and maintain alliances with regional partners. Russia, meanwhile, has been strengthening military cooperation with India, supplying advanced weaponry and conducting joint exercises. The convergence of both nations’ naval assets highlights the increasing strategic importance of India in global military planning. Potential Motivations Behind the Movement Several factors could explain this unprecedented maritime maneuver. First, India is emerging as a pivotal player in global defense and security. Its modernizing navy, coupled with strategic ports such as Visakhapatnam and Mumbai, provides a critical launchpad for joint operations or rapid deployment. Second, regional tensions are escalating. The South China Sea and the Indian Ocean have become hotspots for naval confrontations, with territorial disputes and trade security concerns at the forefront. A coordinated presence by multiple powers signals an intent to assert influence and project strength in the region. Third, these movements may reflect preparations for joint military exercises, which India frequently hosts with global partners. Such exercises allow navies to test interoperability, showcase capabilities, and strengthen diplomatic ties. However, the inclusion of both American and Russian forces—nations with historically divergent global objectives—adds a layer of complexity. Implications for Regional Security The presence of powerful fleets in India’s vicinity has multiple security implications. Regional players such as China, Pakistan, and smaller Indian Ocean nations are likely monitoring these developments closely. While some may view it as a stabilizing deterrent against unilateral aggression, others may see it as a provocative escalation. For India, this convergence is both an opportunity and a challenge. On one hand, hosting or coordinating with multiple powers underscores India’s rising strategic clout. On the other, managing the competing interests of major military players requires careful diplomacy to avoid unintended tensions. Additionally, maritime security experts warn that the dense concentration of warships can increase the risk of miscalculations or accidents at sea. Navigating crowded waters while conducting exercises demands precise communication and strict adherence to protocols. Any lapse could escalate tensions unexpectedly. The Geopolitical Angle Beyond the immediate region, this naval movement has broader geopolitical implications. The United States appears to reaffirm its commitment to balancing China’s growing influence in Asia. Russia, meanwhile, seems keen on maintaining strategic ties with India while signaling its continued global relevance amid Western sanctions and pressures. Other nations, possibly including European partners and Australia, may also observe or participate in related naval activities. Their involvement would further indicate the interconnectedness of global security concerns and the increasingly multipolar nature of maritime strategy. What Comes Next? While official statements remain cautious, experts anticipate a combination of joint exercises, port visits, and strategic consultations over the coming weeks. Analysts suggest that India may leverage this opportunity to strengthen defense agreements, secure technology transfers, and position itself as a central player in Indo-Pacific security. Diplomatic channels will be equally important. India must balance cooperation with major powers while maintaining an independent foreign policy, ensuring that these naval movements do not inadvertently heighten regional tensions.A Turning Point at Sea The arrival of American, Russian, and allied warships in India is more than a headline—it is a reflection of shifting global power dynamics. The Indian Ocean is no longer a quiet backdrop to world affairs; it is a central stage where the future of global security is being negotiated. As these fleets dock, train, and depart, the world will be watching closely. What happens next may well shape the balance of power across oceans for years to come.
By Fiaz Ahmed 3 days ago in The Swamp
Comments (6)
Okay, that was brilliant! You have the perfect Chris Morris-theme and feeling in this one!
Aweosme to read "Love is not only in the light, it deepens in the silence of the night. "Good night" is said in silence most of all."
This could be Reforms manifesto , excellent fun work
Delightful! Count me as a regular subscriber.
🤣🤣🤣 I am really looking forward to issue 2 now!! Great idea.
Oh my god. I laughed so hard - Addison, this was BRILLIANT!!!!!