TACO Calling PACO - 4

This conversation happened on September 19, after Trump returned from the state visit to the United Kingdom and Russia violated the Estonian airspace with three MIG-31 military jets for nearly 12 minutes.

"Hello, Vlad?"

"Yes, Donnie."

"I want you to stop it."

"Stop what?"

"Testing the NATO members' patience. Really testing it. They are all calling me like crazy, saying, 'See, you can't trust Putin, he will escalate to the next level every time!' Are you really escalating, Vlad? Are you letting me down?"

"What are you talking about, Donnie?" [pretending to be clueless]

"Why did you have to send your military jets to Estonia?"

"Because Estonia had the audacity to meddle with my trade tankers."

"Oh, really? Trade is sacred. I didn't know that."

"Of course you didn't. Those tankers are not marked as Russia's, they operate as shadow fleet because you still have not removed sanctions against me, even though you promised me to do that years ago!"

"Woah, woah, woah, slow down, Vlad! You know I cannot just remove the sanctions against Russia until you stop your war in Ukraine. How is that going, by the way?"

"What? My war in Ukraine?"

"No, I know that it is going badly for both of you. People are still dying on both sides, and the attacks on Ukraine are escalating. You really are letting me down there, Vlad. Really letting me down. I don't know how to defend you any more."

"I can defend myself, thank you very much" [pretending to be offended].

"I know that, but why do you have to make it worse when I am trying to resolve this complex thing, Vlad?"

"Which complex thing?"

"The war between Russia and Ukraine. We have resolved seven wars..."

"Including the one between Aberbajan and Albania" [snorting with laughter]

"Oh, c'mon, Vlad, you know that was an honest mistake. Just an honest mistake. Those are hard names, I wonder who ever came up with them? And I always confuse Albania for Armenia. That's just how my beautiful brain works - once I got something down it's really hard to change it. Really hard."

"Don't I know that! Anyway, you were saying?"

"What was I saying? Ah, that I'm trying to resolve your war and you are letting me down, Vlad."

"How? How am I letting you down, Donnie?"

"By escalating the attacks on Ukraine and now messing with the NATO members."

"Well, they shouldn't have started it. I have to defend myself. And don't tell me you are working for me, Donnie, when all you do is riding around in gold carriages, inspecting the British parade troops, and gobbling up noodles, sitting there between King Charles and Princess Kate." [offended pause]

"Wait a minute, Vlad, are you jealous?" [amused by the realization]

"Of course I am, just like you were jealous when I was having a really good time with Xi and Kim."

"Alright, so we are even then? I can't believe you were jealous, Vlad. And you are right, I did enjoy the state visit. Enjoyed it very much. Everyone was so pleasant and respectful, they treated me like a king, their equal."

"You do understand that they were doing it just to appease you, don't you, Donnie? What's their ask?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, Charles wants to grease your palm because he 'loves the earth' and wants to leave good legacy behind. So he will push you to reverse some of your policies on global warming and renewables. And Starmer, as you yourself admitted, is an excellent negotiator, who wrung great deals out of you on all trades. He just played you like a fiddle, Donnie. They will also recognize the Palestinian State because you were so meek on it..."

"I wasn't meek, I told him I disagreed with him on Palestine. I told him that in his face!"

"Yeah, but what did you do, Donnie? What did you really do, except for meekly stating at the presser that you disagreed with Starmer? It's one thing to tell him your 'eww' but stopping it is a totally different thing! Next thing you will see is Starmer using the European security concerns to push you to give more aid to Ukraine..."

"That will never happen, they are now buying weapons for Ukraine from us. We are not giving it for free anymore, like Biden did with 350 billion dollars, they are paying us, Vlad..."

"And why would I care, Donnie, that you are making money on my war?"

"Because I'm making it hard for them, Vlad, that stuff is expensive and they have to scramble. It's very expensive."

"Well, they've managed so far, haven't they? [menacingly] And where do those weapons they bought go, Donnie? [louder] To the front, to kill my soldiers and to attack my infrastructure. And then you are asking why I am escalating!" [yells and hangs up]

Trump, looking at the receiver, "Here we go. I guess no Nobel Peace Prize for me. He is so difficult!"

***

Author's note: Sorry, I couldn't resist including this doctored picture: