PACO Calling TACO - 1

This conversation happened on June 14, 2025, Trump's birthday, before his Big Beautiful Birthday parade.

"Hello, Donnie?"

"Yes, Vlad, who else would it be?" [sounds grumpy]

"You sound a little off, and here I am calling to wish you a happy birthday."

"Really?" [more cheerful] "What do you mean by 'off'?"

"Like grumpy or upset. Should I call you later?"

"No, no, Vlad, it's OK to talk now. I'll have to go to the parade later."

"Oh, I see. Yes, I remember you are having your Birthday parade tonight."

"It's not my Birthday parade, Vlad, don't play the enemy media game, please. Not my Birthday parade at all. It's to celebrate 250 years of the American Army. Strong, beautiful, American Army."

"Sure, sure, Donnie, whatever the Birthday boy wishes. Any way, I wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday, a great parade experience, and the most important thing, as we Russians say, excellent health."

"I do have excellent health already, thank you very much, Vlad. Aced all the medicals, including the brain test. I'm in excellent health!"

"No one is arguing that, Donnie. I just wish that excellent health stays with you forever."

"Ah, in that case, thank you, Vlad."

"Did you receive my present, Donnie?"

"Nooo," [unsure]. "How did you send it?"

"Didn't Elon call you?"

"He tried, many times, but I'm not picking up. I'm still mad at him. I am not sure if we will ever talk again. Not sure at all."

"I see and respect that. But did he at least apologize?"

"Yes, wrote something on his social media that he regrets some of the posts he'd written about me. Not a real apology, but it's OK, I don't really need one. Not from him, anyway. Not any more. He's basically dead to me. Or might as well be dead."

"Too bad, Donnie. Because that was my Birthday present to you."

"What? You gave him my Birthday present??? Knowing about our falling out?"

"No, Donnie, his apology WAS my Birthday present for you."

"What do you mean, Vlad?"

"Remember you asked me to call him and invite him to Russia?"

"Of course I do."

"So I did."

"Aaand? Did he agree?"

"No, he said he needs to catch up on his businesses. Too much going on at Tesla and Space X that he needs to fix, apparently."

"Well, good luck with that! Ever since he crossed the red line with me, all of his stocks are going down! Down and down, like a crashing car. I suspect he is not the richest man in the world anymore" [chuckles]

"Well, that might be, but it's not my point."

"What is it then?"

"I convinced him to apologize to you, Donnie. Believe me, it wasn't easy."

"Oh."

"You sound disappointed."

"To be honest, Vlad, I am."

"Really, why? I thought you'd be happy about Elon apologizing."

"Well, he'd have done it anyway. He'd come around, eventually. They all do, if they want to thrive in this country. They all crawl back to me on their knees. I would have preferred a different present from you."

"Oh really? Like what?"

"Well, I dunno. Something nice, like that watch you gave me a couple of years back."

"How many Patek Phillippe watches do you need, Donnie?" [chuckling to mask confusion]

"I dunno. How many do you have, Vlad?"

"I don't count them. A lot."

"See? Why can't I have nice things like you do?"

"Are you serious?? Can't you buy it yourself? Or ask one of your kids to buy it for you? It's not like you have no money, with all the crypto sales and other deals you've had recently."

"I guess, but it would have been so much better to get it from you, Vlad."

"Is that how you get other people and governments do things for you, Donnie? Is this the art of the deal?" To the side, "It's extortion, pure and simple."

"Maybe." [flirting] "Is it working?"

"Hmm... I don't know. I have to think about it. Meanwhile, let's talk about Iran."

"What's there to talk about? They can't have nukes, Vlad, and you know it. That's a red line for both us and Israel."

"Iran is a friend, Donnie. They've been supplying us with drones to fight Ukraine."

"Really? I didn't know that."

"Yes you did, I told you that myself many times."

"Really, I don't remember that. Don't remember at all."

Putin, to the side, "Maybe you should have your brain checked again." To Trump, "Well, I'm telling you now."

"Ok, what do you want me to do?"

"I want to mediate peace negotiations between Iran and Israel."

"Oh fvck yes, I'd be happy if you take this off my shoulders. Very happy. You can have it, Vlad." [magnanimously]

"Really?? I didn't think it would be this easy to convince you."

"As I said, you can have it, Vlad. Bibi is getting on my nerves recently, just as much as Elon did. I can't stand him anymore, and don't want to deal with him."

"Great! Should we talk about Ukraine now?"

"Maybe next time, let's talk next week again. I have to go to my parade now."

"Ah, OK then, have fun! Happy Birthday again and don't let those protests put a damper on your parade! Bye, Donnie!"

Trump into the phone after Putin hung up, "Which protests?"