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Homeland Performance

Groomed and Ready

By Andrea Corwin Published 9 months ago Updated 9 months ago 3 min read
Top Story - April 2025

I must look stunning to get Donald to select me as his running mate. My makeover includes my hair, teeth, outfits, and makeup. I won't wear jeans and cowgirl shirts. It worked as South Dakota governor but won't sit well with Donald. He requires camera-ready, attractive, and photogenic television personalities with bright, shining smiles and beautiful long hair. If he doesn't select me as VP, I'll get a Cabinet position.

The makeover began during Donald's first term. Kristi grew her hair long, creating a visible contrast to her previous hairstyles, either short or layered, emulating the "Rachel" from Friends or the looks of other TV personalities. She changed to long, wavy curls below her shoulders, embodying the hairstyle that women can flip behind their shoulders with a shake of their head or a flick of their hand. Most women in the Mar-a-Lago cult-like group have longer hair, a heavy hand with makeup, and either blonde or dark hair that aspires to be blonde through highlights. Expensive skirts or pantsuits hug tightly to their bodies, all accentuating hips and breasts. The high heels further emphasize their derrieres as they walk. Pouty, Botox-enhanced lips, thick, long, and bushy false lashes, and perfectly lined eyes and brows ensure they shine in front of the camera.

Donald Trump will read in my book that I executed my naughty dog and a goat I owned (it took two shots; I had to get another shotgun shell from my truck when the first one didn't kill him). He will understand I am a tough cookie! We had to do hard things on a farm all the time. I shot three old horses, too. It's just a thing we do on farms; we aren't about paying a veterinarian to sedate them first and then humanely euthanize them. I saved money with my shotgun, I'm the governor now, and I'm tough! Donald should pick me for VP.

I'm going to dress up as a State Trooper and arrest a congressman.

That will be a cool video like my jobs video, where I'm dressed like a nurse. Donald will notice!

The grandbabies are already set for guns – Addie, who is two, has a shotgun, a rifle, and a pony. I can teach her how to shoot the pony if it's naughty – I can't wait to take her to the range!

My teeth were messed up in a biking accident, so I got them fixed at Smile Texas (a Houston company that says it's the "Official Dentist of the Miss Texas USA Pageant)." I wanted people to hear what I say when I give speeches or meet with people in the governor's office without distraction. I could not be happier with the results, so I posted the procedure and my reasons for selecting the dentist I did on my X account. (Some said it was unethical, that I was being an "influencer" - how could they?)

I will wow the crowds; he has a place for me with my central casting persona, brilliant smile, and stern demeanor.

**

I told you! Secretary of Homeland Security! I'm flying to El Salvador to post a video in front of those tattooed criminals we sent back.

Reporter: What proof do you have they were in the gangs?

Noem: That's easy peasy; I don't know why people keep asking that!! They have tattoos. They will never return.

Reporter 1 to Reporter 2: Did you see that Rolex on her arm? What a set-up video. It's all theatrical performance, doing this video in front of shaved head prisoners, trying to send the message she is between them and America.

Copyright © 4/6/2025 by Andrea O. Corwin

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About the Creator

Andrea Corwin

🐘Wildlife 🌳 Environment 🥋3rd° See nature through my eyes

Poetry, fiction, horror, life experiences, and author photos. Written without A.I. © Andrea O. Corwin

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Comments (27)

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  • Narghiza Ergashova7 months ago

    "Nicely explained!"

  • Rohitha Lanka9 months ago

    Very interesting article, well written, and good luck. Also, congratulations on your effort award.

  • Kendall Defoe 9 months ago

    Do I laugh or cry?

  • Henry Lucy9 months ago

    Nice piece 💕💖👏🏼

  • 🎉 Congrats on getting Top Story!!! 🥳 Well deserved and super proud of you! 🙌✨👏

  • Arshad Ali9 months ago

    nice to read

  • Cindy Calder9 months ago

    Well executed piece, Andrea. Shocking how much truth irony sometimes embodies..... Congratulations on a much deserving Top Story, too.

  • Karen Coady 9 months ago

    My thoughts arecygly and very dark about her and the thing that hired her. Very imaginative and now go to a happy place in your head!

  • Alpha Cortex9 months ago

    very good work

  • Very good work, congrats 👏

  • Zuhaibkhan 9 months ago

    Initially, I thought this was satire. But now I'm shocked because it is not

  • Back to say congratulations on your Top Story! 🎉💖🎊🎉💖🎊

  • Fascinating read & videos! Like Dharrsheena, I thought this was satire.😵‍💫😳

  • JBaz9 months ago

    Back to say Congratulations

  • Calvin London9 months ago

    Champion Andrea - well done. Very deserving of the award. Now, for your next trick can you get rid of the illustrious Mr Trump?

  • Katie Erdman9 months ago

    I kept wondering about all these photo shoots! Gotta be picture perfect instead of real. I hadn’t seen any of these videos before.

  • Mark Gagnon9 months ago

    Yup, it takes the proper amount of prep to impress a narcissists. Well written Andrea.

  • Mark Graham9 months ago

    This is quite a piece of writing, and I guess politics is always a 'dirty' game with whoever plays.

  • C. Rommial Butler9 months ago

    Well-wrought! Yet, many members of the other party have also been caught in this same sort of political chicanery, haven't they? I've been accused of "whataboutism" on this score before, so I want to be clear: I'm not making an excuse for Trump. I'm actually just appalled all around. If the Democratic party were above this sort of thing, they would have run someone other than the candidates they did, who were obviously favored more by the party than the American people. Trying to beat him at his own game is a large part of the reason they lost.

  • Initially, I thought this was satire. But now I'm shocked because it is not

  • Calvin London9 months ago

    Nice job, Andrea. If they deported all the pole with tattoos where I live here would be no-one left. Come to think of it that would not be so bad. 😊😊

  • Shawndra Michell 9 months ago

    Well done! Hard to believe what a blatant suck up she is - just despicable!

  • angela hepworth9 months ago

    This perfectly encompasses the bizarre, disbelieving feelings I had upon learning Kristi Noem was granted her position. Sigh. We live in a cesspool.

  • Caroline Craven9 months ago

    Damn - I didn’t know a fraction of this. Thanks for writing such an interesting piece.

  • Lamar Wiggins9 months ago

    She, and all the rest of those posers are the exact definition of 'Suck-up' Posterchildren, I mean Poster-robots for the most corrupt time I've ever seen in America. I don't know how some of these people can look themselves in the mirror. Loved the format of your article, Andrea! Thank you for exposing more of the greedy filth.

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