Envious of Israel's Perks, Mormons Demand Their Own Religious State in Lebanon

On Thursday, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints formally petitioned the U.S. government for the creation of a new religous state in Lebanon, citing America's "no-questions-asked" support for Israel as precedent.

"Lebanon's got cedars, vineyards, and a functional coastline," noted Mormon influencer Hyrum, seen flipping through the Lonely Planet guide. His post, tagged #MormonLebanon, went viral among Utahns dreaming of beachside temples and baptisms by the sea.

A Divine Upgrade

In the 1840s, the Mormons chose Utah for its isolation, fleeing persecution to build a desert theocracy. They tolerated Utah's high-desert under the assumption that God preferred his chosen people to live in a hellish landscape (that he could rescue them from later). 

But after 180 years, and seeing Israel receive $3.8 billion and free free F-35s annually, Mormon Prophet Nelson received a divine revelation in Salt Lake City: Why not us?

Mormons across America have been expressing their desire to settle in Lebanon. We see Israel getting billions in bombs and those sleek F-35s," said Elder Brigham Young IV, a Provo-based bishop, waving a copy of the Book of Mormon. "We have been loyal Americans, singing 'Sweet Caroline' at picnics, but we're stuck in Utah."

"We've got a revelation, a sacred text, and a chosen people," said a berobed man in Salt Lake City, who identified himself only as 'The Seer.' "What more do you need? We've even got our own sacred underwear. We're basically Israel, but with more wives and better food."

The Proposal

The LDS Church's "Zion 2.0" plan includes:

• A U.S.-backed theocracy in Beirut's suburbs ("We'll call it New New Jerusalem").
• Unlimited military aid ("If Israel gets F-35s, as tax paying Americans we want F-36s").
• A new vocabulary word for people who oppose anything a Mormon desires ("If Israel gets anti-Semite, we want anti-Nephite, or later-Hater, to be used in CNN broadcasts and New York Times OpEds.")

Critics point out that Lebanon, unlike Utah, is not empty. But Mormons insist displacement is just "Pioneer relocation." Mormons also say their affinity for polygamy gives them something in common with their new Arab neighbors.

U.S. Response

Rumors inside the White House suggest President Trump was receptive.

"Incredible. Just incredible. The Mormons - tremendous people, by the way, very clean-living, very underrated - they come to me, 'Mr President, we want a Lebanon.' A whole Lebanon! And you know what? I get it. Very smart. Netanyahu? Nice guy, loves me, but always with the 'Can we have more money?' Russell Nelson - now that's a real American name. A lot easier to, how do you say, pronounce it."

Trump turned to an aide, "The Mormons deserve this. Tell Hegseth to check the calendar for the B2s."

Meanwhile, in the halls of Congress, AIPAC has threatened to "Excommunicate Jesus posthumously, cherem!" if the US Senate even considers it.

The U.S. State Department has so far refused to comment on the situation, though an anonymous source has indicated that several high-ranking officials are "sympathetic" to the Mormon cause. "They're white, they're religious, and they're armed to the teeth," said the source. "Frankly, they're the most American-looking group to ask for their own country in a while."

The proposal has reportedly been met with a mixture of confusion and outrage in Lebanon. "First the French, then the Israelis, now the Mormons?" said one Beirut resident. "I swear, this place is a magnet for people hungry for real estate and with weird ideas about God."

Which Chosen People?

In the shadow of the U.S. Capitol, a chaos unfolded as Jewish and Mormon protesters clashed, each claiming divine supremacy. Jewish demonstrators bellowed, "We are the chosen people, heirs of Abraham!" Across the street, Mormon activists, clutching Books of Mormon and dreaming of a Lebanese paradise, retorted with, "We are the chosen people, pioneers of the latter days!" 

As the dueling chants grew louder, neoconservative onlookers near the Three Soldiers statue smirked, "This is why we bomb for religious freedom!" Journalists snapped photos, while a Capitol cop sighed, "Chosen or not, they're both blocking the sidewalk."

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Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire and intended solely for entertainment purposes. The content is entirely fictional, exaggerated, and humorous, and does not reflect real events, individuals, or circumstances involving Mormons, Lebanon, or any religious or political groups. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or real events is purely coincidental. No intent is made to disparage any religion, culture, or community.