Until The End Of Time

🎶First thing I think about is your tussling smile

And all the things that drive me wild🎶- Cameo (Attack Me With Your Love).

I first heard this line from the group Cameo when it was sampled by my favorite rapper Ice Cube on his song “Not Like Them” from his album Man Down, which was released at the end of last year. It never occurred to me that this sample from one of my favorite songs from last year would sum up what was about to become of my life from the end of last year up to this very moment. I also never predicted how this transformative time of my life would make me into a different person.

In August of 2024, I went through a huge life change. After living in an unhealthy situation that began to take a toll on my mental and emotional health, I finally got my own place and my closest friends and family helped me get settled into a new chapter of my life. It was here that I started to find myself after obtaining my own safe space, or a happy place as some would say. For the next three months I couldn’t tell you what a bad day felt like. Honestly I don’t recall having any because even when days got rough, they didn’t stay rough because I had the safe space of peace called home or the “Flow Crib” as my best friend nick named it, to come back to.

One week before Christmas is when what seemed like a blissful time for me took a dark turn. On Monday December 16th, after spending the weekend over my adoptive mother’s house for a Christmas party, I left out of my house and headed to work a little early in a good mood because some positive opportunities were coming my way during what initially looked like it was gonna be a rocky Christmas and I was feeling good.

While driving down the road and making my way to the exit that took me to my job a car in front of me came to a complete stop also making me come to a complete stop. As the car finally started moving, so did I and as I was driving along a car smashed into me from behind, nearly ripping my wheel off the axel of my car and drove off without stopping. Needless to say this was not a normal Monday. Thankfully my best friend who I also work with gave me a ride and I had full coverage insurance to get a rental car until mine’s was fixed. I even reconnected with my dad after having been distant since I moved out and he offered to let me borrow one of his cars until mine’s was fixed.

Though the technical side of things seemed taken care of, mentally my head was in a bad space. Sure I hated that someone tore up my car in a hit and run and I had no justice or retribution to receive, but what really unnerved me was thinking about how my mother died in a car accident and how much I find car wrecks disturbing because of that traumatic history. I couldn’t sleep for awhile overthinking the idea that I could’ve potentially died like my mother did. It also didn’t help that my car ended up being a total loss from the wreck, so I was gonna be in a rental and my dad’s car for a while. That part sucked because I really loved my car.

I was in a bad way and it didn’t help that this happened all during Christmas break. I needed something to occupy my mind while I was working through my car troubles. I had recently signed up for door dashing on the side before my accident because I wanted to make some extra money on the side to save up to publish my first book. Now this was gonna come in handy in saving up to get a new car as well. I never imagined that I would find myself enjoying my time as a door dasher, but I actually do.

Of course my writing for Vocal has always been my outlet and a feed for my passion as a writer. My best friend who loves to read started sharing her stories that she reads on a daily basis with me and I started reading them to help with my bad headspace and they’ve kept my mind in a positive place. Reading them also gave me an idea to start my own book reviewing series on Vocal in which I write reviews for the stories she sends me and this has really contributed to my craft as a writer.

In the midst of this challenging time my aunt Lana who is my mother’s older sister reached out to me to let me know that her cancer was in an aggressive place and that she didn’t have long left. This made my heart sink and then I informed her on what had been going on in my personal life with my car and she gave me the best advice like only she could. She told me to smile through these challenging times and reminded me that I am strong enough to make it through them and to keep the positive spirit that my mother always had during the worst. She also told me with the utmost joy in her voice to not be sad for her, but to be glad within myself and enjoy my holiday regardless. She really lifted my spirit and gave me hope.

One week after I returned to work from Christmas break on January 21st, my aunt Lana died. My older sister gave me the word two hours into my work day and after she gave it to me I left work immediately. I went straight home and was so heartbroken that I couldn’t even cry. My aunt Lana was the last of my mother’s voice and spirit that I had watching over me every week of my life and now she was gone. I lost my car, lost my aunt and now I had lost my mind.

I was mentally and emotionally overwhelmed with the pain of loss. This loss that I felt is the trauma response to the history of loss that I have dealt with my entire life and it feels like no matter how far away from it I get it always seems to find its way back to me. Material possessions can be replaced, but not the loss of life and all of it piled up together tore my mind and heart to shreds. I spent the entire year building my own world of peace and that peace was ripped right from me in the span of just a short month.

I was now at a point where it felt like I was losing everyone I love the most and I had gone beyond my limit of mental and emotional exhaust. It seems like no matter what I always lose what I love and everything I ever gained only ever existed for the sake of being a future loss. I hated to admit, but I was losing my faith in God and in that loss I felt like I was losing my life. I was angry and depressed and I felt like I wanted to die. It’s not an exaggeration to say that I was suicidal, but not in a take my own life kind of way. I wanted sonething else to kill me so that I didn’t have to bear the burden of loss anymore. I felt like I had nothing left and I was ready to see my life end.

I knew I was headed down a dark path and I had to confide in some of my closest loved ones or else I was gonna die. From them I learned that I needed to let go of the things I can’t control and focus on doing the things I love. I’ve heard that so many times that I never felt like it had any true merit, only because I was too stubborn to put it in practice, but this time I felt like if I didn’t try something new death was gonna come knocking on my door. Remember when I said the group Cameo’s quote “First thing I think about is your tussling smile and all the things that drive me wild”? Was defining my life right now?

That’s how I’ve been feeling. The smiles I think about are the faces of the people I’ve loss like my mother and my aunt, among countless others and all the things that drive me wild are the pain and misery of life that have followed in addition to the loss like losing my car and being in a bad accident. In realizing the lifetime toll this has taken on me I’ve also had to seek medical help for my depression and anxiety in all this. I never thought I needed it before, but now I realize that I’ve always needed it and I’m hoping that it will help save my life.

🎶I’m fighting for my life in paradise

All we got in life is a pair of dice🎶- Ice Cube (Fighting For My Life In Paradise).

This song above which is also from Ice Cube’s newest album is also how I’ve been feeling for the past four months. I’m fighting for my life in paradise. My life has been a mental and emotional rollercoaster of depression and anxiety for months and I am fighting to keep myself joyful and happy through it all. Whether through my writing, reading, dashing and time spent with my loved ones I’ve been clinging to the people and things I find joy and happiness in because if I don’t I really may end up dying. I’m fighting to stay alive by fighting to stay happy. This is my life now. Earlier this week I sliced off a piece of my fingertip by accident while opening a can of food.

I bled out so much from this accidental wound that I had to stand over my kitchen sink all night. The interesting part in all this is I didn’t feel any pain the whole time I bled. Maybe I did, but didn’t notice it since my mental and emotional pain has been so much greater since the year began. As I bled all night I really got to reflecting on my life over the past five months. I’ve been bleeding a lot on everything in my life just like my can cut wound had me bleeding over my entire house. Life can really break you down. I know I’m not the only one who knows this from personal experience, but as cliché as it is to repeat, you have to keep going no matter what. So how has this new season of suffering transformed me in that regard? I’ve learned that I have to do what I love and what makes me happy to stay alive, even if that just looks like hanging on by the limbs.

The forms of entertainment I love like film and music has inspired me to do something I always pledged I never would do before and that’s get a tattoo. One half of the tat will say “Live Fast Die Never” it’s the soundtrack name to my all time favorite tv show Angel from Joss Whedon and what this quote means to me is to never let yourself die if you can help it. The second half and most important part of the tattoo will be the title of my favorite album from my other favorite rapper Tupac Shakur, “Until The End Of Time”. Even up to this very moment this album has gotten me through the worse times of my life, including the past five months. Life is a war, one I am constantly fighting to live through and for as long as I have what I love and who I love in which I find happiness, I will continue to fight until the end of time…