The 2 Ways Couples Unknowingly Create Negativity in Their Relationship

Caught in a cycle of negativity with your partner? If so, consider that self-deception may be at play, so let's start there. You will want to understand this so that you can avoid the negative pathways that each of the two aspects of self-deception can lead you down. There are two common types of self-deception, which are, at times, simultaneously active in contradictory ways. When we understand them, we can be proactive in addressing the source of our conflicting feelings directly.

On the one hand, we are not always mindful of how we are in the world relative to how we think we are. This is marked by ego defense mechanisms, of which denial and projection are most common. These defenses are temporarily constructive in that they superficially preserve our self-esteem in particular situations and interactions, although ultimately, what they actually produce are more difficulties in our lives and relationships especially. This is marked by judgment, a sense of superiority, or an inability to see your own areas of needed improvement. That is, "the problem is not me, it is you". For instance, as a silly example, we see how messy our partner's car is and think, "what a slob!". Meanwhile, our closet is a complete disaster and we would never consider ourselves to be messy.

Self-preservation filters also cause us to think that we are correct and justified in our actions when, in fact, we may not be. Instead, we may be reacting from a past unresolved wound in a way that is overly aggressive, or dismissive, or suspicious. We create delusional stories about other people (our partners mostly) involved or of occurrences that support our position. We assume that our thoughts and reactions to these thoughts are the whole truth, justified, and rational. When in fact we may actually be reacting to old occurrences, thereby unconsciously bringing unresolved emotional wounds from the past into our present and creating stories from them in real-time. Our perceptions are often entirely out of alignment with the objective reality of the other person's intentions or situation. For instance, I work with a couple whereby the husband often accuses his wife of extra-marital activities, when in fact, she is very loyal to him. It was not a shock when learning that his previous relationship ended when he discovered his girlfriend in the mists of an affair. Now his perception of his wife and the present moments are shaped by his past. His ego will not allow him to 'let down his guard'.

While it is more common to avoid acknowledging the non-admirable aspects of ourselves - our child-like reactions stemming from our past, which we've woven into our perception of the present to keep our egos intact - frequently, we simultaneously do the opposite. We cultivate negative, self-destructive perceptions about ourselves that are untrue, these being the engine that sustains feelings of shame. These self-deprecating thoughts that reiterate things that seem rational but are not grounded in reality are called cognitive distortions. For instance, after an engagement with someone you are dating, you may pick apart your behavior in a very unfavorable light. You take the negative details and magnify them while filtering out all positive aspects of a situation.

So, the message here is that we are all delusional. Isn't that fun! Haha. We are all assuming and fantasizing about what we think is real. Therefore, we can all benefit from doing our best to apply positive projection skills when engaging with others - especially our partners. Before you judge them and negatively categorize them, consider how you may also do similar things as that which you are spotlighting. Instead, use the information as a cue that it is time to make some adjustment with yourself relative to whatever it is that you are attempting to negatively judge. Playing off of the example above, maybe your noticing of your partner's messy car is an indication that it is time to organize your closet! And, while this seems to contradict what I just suggested, also before you negatively judge yourself, consider that you are magnifying your possible flaws and minimizing your qualities. We must not do this and fall into the trap of shame. Instead, magnify your qualities, or what you did well, and consider your imperfections as areas of wanted or needed improvement and nothing more than this. It is a finely tuned balance. Just keep in mind, if you are feeling superior, self-deception is at play. And if you are feeling inferior, self-deception is at play. This insight about how we self-deceive is for the few brave souls willing to look at themselves below the surface of things. The benefit of doing so is understanding yourself and others more deeply, and understanding leads to love.