Suicide Survival

I sat there for a few minutes. I felt fine. What I’m about to express, might be difficult to imagine but; this was my reality. So try. Now remember, I lived in a one bedroom apartment, the bathroom was two or three steps away from the bedroom. I had to pee, so I got up from the couch, used the restroom, cleaned myself; I picked up my underwear, flushed the toilet & stared into the mirror as I washed my hands. My eyes didn’t look the same. I smirked at myself in the mirror in a way I never have before. I walked into the bedroom, and there I was… Sitting on the toilet again. Cleaning myself. Picking up my underwear again, flushing, staring into the mirror, I washed my hands; and walking into the bedroom.

Again, I was back on the toilet & this happened repeatedly. Until, I realized I was reliving my death, smh I didn’t even make it to the bed. I stood in the small hallway, standing infront of both the bedroom and bathroom, I couldn’t see anyone. I couldn’t see my mom, my sisters, my daughter. I was alone. It was dark now. I turned around & heard Diana screaming, hysterically! “Maria, Maria”. I could hear her crying. I could hear my mom hysterical asking, “what happened?”. As if Beth knew. All I could think about was my baby. My Angie. I stood there lost. Not understanding why I could hear them, but not see them.

I could feel my mothers fingers in my mouth. “Wtf was going on? I’m back? This isn’t real”; I thought to myself as I rolled over in my own vomit trying to get up. Angie was all I could think of. “Where’s my daughter, where is she?!” I began exclaiming. Everyone was looking at me like I was crazy, “she’s fine, she’s in her crib”, someone said. I can’t remember because I swear it was foggy. “Did you do anything to her?, did u do anything to her too?” My mom asked. I tried to grab my baby and they wouldn’t let me. “No! Why would I do anything to her? I just want my baby!” I cried out in agony. They let me aside and I saw her. I couldn’t hold my back my tears because just for a moment there, I thought I was never going to see my princess again.

By then, EMS was called and my neighbors already found out what happened. Oddly, I didn’t give a shit. I got in the shower to take the vomit off. My mom was pale in the face. “I did it again. I’m such a failure, I even failed at killing myself” were the only words that could come to my mind. I came out the shower and walked right in the living room, butt ass naked. EMS was already there 🙄🤦🏻‍♀️. “Can you go put some clothes on” said one of them. 😂

I walked in the bedroom, & as I grabbed some clean underwear from the drawer, I said under my breath, “am I alive? Is this real?”. I finished getting dressed & walked over to the living room. EMS decided they’d question me in the bus. I guess they got everything they needed while I got ready. My mom of course was ready to go. I hurt her again, I could see the pain in her eyes. Diana was scared, I traumatized my baby. Angie luckily was only one and didn’t know what was going on. Beth was so worried. They cared.

I get downstairs and they ask me how I’m feeling. “I’m great, but my lips are swollen” I answered quickly. “You feel great? Your lips don’t look swollen” He asked worriedly. “Yes, I’m fine”. Was I? Can they notice that inside my mind right now I’m freaking out trying to analyze how the fuck I’m alive? My mind began racing again. “Please hurry up. I’m not going to make it, why is he talking? Fuck I can’t feel my lips”.

We got to the hospital. I was relieved, what was a 5 minute drive felt like 20 minutes. What I didn’t know, is that the moment I walked into that hospital, everything was about to change for me. I swear I died. Remember I told you how beautiful in the day it was? It wasn’t so beautiful anymore. It was pouring, it was unexpected. I laid there while I waited for the nurse to come put the IV in me after telling me she was going to call poison control. It felt like an eternity. “Where the fuck is my IV?” I shouted. Right there my aunt who met us at the hospital received a “flood warning alert”. I told you, shit started pouring for real. “Where’s Beth?” I asked. “Beth?” My mom and her looked confused. “Yes, my sister Beth, where is she?”. I swear I was shouting. They looked confused. “She’s not here, she never was”. Answered my mom. I went crazy, I couldn’t believe she was telling me my sister didn’t EXIST! (That’s how I took it in that moment). In my head, not sure if it was a chemical reaction or the thought that I was in a world without Beth, but I replayed several memories in my head & a few moments later, I felt my last breath.