Suicide Survival

I had only turned 18 three months prior to June 2nd, 2013. I was a baby. I was pure, but on that day I was reborn. I survivied suicide, but it came with a price. What if I told you I came back to an alternate reality? This story is my apart of my life.

It was a Sunday, and a beautiful day earlier, the skies were as blue as the waters of Punta Cana. The day was calm, & mild as it always is in NYC, early June. I was ready to eat, bathe, put my daughter to sleep & prepare myself for the next day of work. I lived with my two sisters, Beth and Diana, with my mother, & my daughter. Four females, in a one bedroom apartment in the East side of the Bronx. I’m the middle child. Beth is five years older than I am, & Diana is the baby, six years younger.

That evening, the energy was heavy when we all arrived home. We were hungry, tired, & we’ve already argued about a thousand times! It didn’t matter that I had a great day. Everything was going left.

Diana & I began arguing. See, I told everything to her. She was my diary. When Diana didn’t get her way, or she got upset, she would tell my mother my secrets. I wasn’t allowed to see my daughter’s father, he was Beth’s age & a dead beat with no job, a jail bird. I met him when I was 14 & fell in love, I was young, I grew up with no male figure, & I was seeking attention at that age from older men.

On that note, Diana had told my mother one of my secrets 🤦🏻‍♀️. I was seeing him again. What could I do? I know now how wrong I was because she was 12 years old, but my anger? Well, I’m an Aries. If you have one in your life, or are one; you know our temper is like a volcanic explosion. I wanted to murder her! How could she? I got tunnel vision and all I could see is her little smirk. I ran to strike her but Beth & my mom quickly intervened. Of course.

In disbelief my mom grabbed a vase to hit me with & just for a second I thought she was serious. What the fuck? A vase? We’re all in the room, and my back is to the window, my mother is infront of me and Beth is holding back Diana. Diana was a special little girl 🤣 always into trouble. When Beth walked away to attend to my daughter, Angie, Diana threw a punch while I was arguing with my mother hitting me in the back. Again, ARIES!

As any Ram would do in such situation, age went out the door. She ran to the kitchen & my tunnel vision came back. All I could see is her, & trust me, I was catching her. I jumped on and off the bed to get away from my mom, & I grabbed Diana when she reached the kitchen. We started tussling like wrestlers. Broke the couch in the process 🤷🏻‍♀️ My mother was livid.

Once again, they broke us apart. My mom looked so disappointed in me, once again; I fucked up. Her eyes were sad, but her mouth spoke words of venom. Her tongue became a sword that cut me open and left me wounded. She said, “where did I fail with you? You’re a gangster, you’re scum, you’re a bad person, you’re not my daughter”. As she walked away with her precious baby. Beth asked, “what the fuck is wrong with you”. I just sat there and cried alone. On the couch I broke over nothing.

My mom was going through a lot mentally at the time. I put her through a lot. She got many bottles of bipolar/depression/ migraine medication. Beth, if they were the same medication would put them together in the same bottle and used the empty bottles for her coins. The overfilled bottle of Topamax was sitting there, on the white shelf by the kitchen. Boy, was it calling my name.

“You’ll never be good enough for them, look at you, got pregnant at 16. Dropped out of highschool, deadend job, you’re a horrible mother. What can you offer? Nothing. You’re nothing” echoed in my head. “Just kill yourself, you won’t be missed. Trust me, the world will be better off without you, you’re just a burden to everyone. Fat, sloppy, ugly. That’s why you can’t find love. If your own family can’t love you, who will?”. I grabbed that bottle, determined to end it ALL! I poured out about 20-30 pills onto my hand, & grabbed my cup of coke. Little by little, I swallowed every pill on my palm. Then, I googled the name on the bottle. Topiramate. Also known as, Topamax.