Remembering...

As I write this, it is 3:48am in the morning. I just woke up from a cold sweat, terror-filled, and very realistic nightmare. So for the record, this article might not make sense. *wink* I did edit it several times though and I think it works now... and as a bonus? I have 3 different articles started outside of this one... *smile*

Over the last few months, several incidents have happened... that I never asked for, that I never wanted, that I felt powerless in, and that I am still struggling with in so very many ways.

I have also learned a lot, however, with the holidays approaching I feel extremely overwhelmed by the sheer amount of data that my brain has been sifting through as I try to make sense of everything. And this... this is why remembering everything isn't always a good thing.

Unlike people who can pull data from a specific date, I can pull data based a small synopsis. I have had people "test" this and with a small note (typically like... Monday, August 1st 2022 ARMHS 1pm, respite 4-6pm, and church 3-6pm) and I can pull up the footage. My life revolves around the appointments and obligations I have because if I forget, the professionals tend to get kinda squrrielly about me losing my mind, therefore, I rely heavily on that. My brain does tend to dump though... when I write it down in my journal... so occasionally I pull up... nothing. Although those times are rare when I am not stressed out. Yet, that in itself is the most annoying part of this! If I didn't have the limitations of schizophrenia... I could probably be a super smart person who works long hours making a ton of money... but, no, instead I can't control it due to my mental illness.

However, some of the people who have tested my memory insult me a tad... going over specifics on the vehicle I was driving, one of the first times we interacted, what happened before I panicked because I was told that typically most people need all of that detail to remember what happened. I only needed the vehicle I was driving, the time of year, and them interacting with me.

In this example that I am thinking of, I could see the whole thing and it was surprising to me that he seemed surprised at how much I remembered and I went into less detail than I am going to here. No idea what day it was. (I'm guessing mid-November because I think it was after my first Halloween experience). It was about 8:30-9pm at night, I believe, on a weekend. But I knew what I was thinking. I know what they were wearing. I won't swear on this, but I don't believe they had facial hair during this encounter like they do now. I know I had AT&T with an out of state area code. Service sucked. I had tried reaching out to others before them. I had never driven in a storm like that before... not that I had much experience driving. I could tell them where I was now on a map of the area, but right then? I had no idea where I was. I was terrified. I had been working at the gas station before going home. I was already stressed. I ended up staying the night at my boyfriend's grandmother's house. And the only thing he did wrong in our encounter (other than expecting me to speak, like a normal person as this was also well before it was determined that I was schizophrenic...), was... he got too close and triggered a memory. He didn't act inappropriately. We were both in the vehicle and he merely placed his hand on his side of the arm rest yet it was within my invisible bubble that barely fits in a vehicle anyway. He never touched me, yet I reacted as though he had because the memory I was experiencing had someone touching me - and although I knew it wasn't him, I couldn't handle staying put with that memory... and he was completely confused by my fleeing his vehicle. I was confused too because how do you explain that when you can barely put 2 words together? I know he was asking if I needed a hospital, but I wasn't hurt and I was raised to not trust doctors (they were eeevvviiiillllll!!!) so of course no. Duh. But the reason I freaked had nothing to do with his questions. It has taken me years to be able to even sit down and try to explain what is going on in my head because there is just so much data and trying to control the flow instead of being in the present and the past simultaneously and without any control. I couldn't say it, but I felt so guilty when my boyfriend arrived to save the other guy from the confusing mess I was... or am... depending on how you look at it. I wished that I could've done better.

Not that I remember everything mind you... I do not have some memories - *insert partial sarcasm* like I have zero recollection that I was anything other than a fantastic 4 year old who NEVER would have dared kick and scream all of the way out to the car like I was being kidnapped (my oldest pulled that again last night! ... after I prayed for a child like me)... my dear mother let me rant and then... then she burst my perfect memory bubble with a simple trigger: "remember my hand squeezing meanness?" Ok, so it is not a direct quote, but it was the trigger and file after file after file came up in my mind. For the record, I was no where as innocent as I'd like to remember myself being! hehe

THAT was NOT what I had in mind when I asked for a child like me. That nerve-wracking wondering what to do with the sass, the intense emotions, and the extreme intelligence in a body that is so tiny and has no clue what it takes to keep it alive every. single. day. was NOT what I had in mind. But I never specified that because sometimes we conveniently forget the headaches we cause our own parents/families.

My son has a memory like mine too. And my heart hurts for him.

A lot of people are awed by my memory. The fact that with the right trigger I can go back in time to another day, another place and re-watch what is happening around me, get more details than apparently most people have? That should be amazing and awesome and a lot of the time? It is. Most of the time, I do appreciate it.

I mean, getting to close my eyes and feel the intensity of having my son placed on my chest for the first time? His soft baby skin... the perfectness of every finger and even the tiny scratches his nails gave me... the smell of perfection in the form of new baby smell... the sound of his cry that made my heart break and whole all at the same time... the look on my partner's face as he ran his finger down our son's cheek... the feeling of being outright terrified because our son was born slightly purple-ish, but trying to believe the professionals and trust that it was just the hard labor. The look on my mother's face as she realized that now... she was a grandmother who had intense feelings too and was still in total denial that she was old enough to be a grandma! *laughs*

Remembering things like that makes it easier to let go of the feeling of screaming at the child who tells me to "leave me alone!" because he doesn't like being told that he has limits. He will learn to control his tongue in time... and with practice... and with watching me bite mine when I want to yell back at him. Sometimes I do yell (I'm not perfect...), but I do try to remember what my mom always did for me. "I know you were angry, but would you like it if I talked to you that way? No? Then you shouldn't talk that way to me. That is not how we show love. That is not nice." As Mom says: "It's a lot easier to do this when they are little, then to try to do it when they are bigger."

But getting back on track... remembering everything is also devastating on many levels - especially when you experience trauma. To solve trauma, you talk about it. You let the emotions flow through you without judging them as good or bad. That's all well and good and I've had plenty of people tell me the intensity fades with time and breathing. I disagree. The intensity doesn't fade. I just get better at handling it. But at the time the therapist told me that it would fade, I probably would have come unglued if she told me that I just have to learn to live with it. I was a teenager then... and 10 years later I still feel like coming unglued thinking about having to learn to live with ... everything.

Yesterday I was discussing something with someone and the topic came up of something traumatic. I could start to feel the grip of the individual even though no one was actually there, feel the adrenaline race through my system, smell the breath, hear the words, taste the blood that I ended up having in my mouth at that time, and the sight of the other individual. I knew I was sitting at my dining room table, yet it was like I wasn't at the same time. Maybe you feel it when you are watching a particularly scary movie or reading a book and you jump when the main character jumps too? It's kinda like that.

I dealt with it though... I did my trick of focusing on one thing, pausing, focusing on my heart beat (like Bruce Banner did for a while *smile*), taking a breath and I possibly shook my head to discard the file from that moment. And then I referred the individual to a physical file that they could access on their own time so that I didn't have to experience it again.

It was a good day. Those tricks don't always work.

On bad days, I have a long list of coping skills. I count, I breath, I walk (or pace - depending on your perspective), I clean, I sing (quite possibly entirely out of tune), I dance (quite possibly worse than I sing!), I color, I game, I watch tv, I take a shower, I use a stress ball, my service animal gets to spend extra time with me, I talk to someone special (usually my Mom)... the list goes on until it hits the almost end: medication. And the final coping skill? The one that is on the bottom of the list because I hate it with a passion so deep that I want to ignore the benefit it provides?

Sitting with the memory. Allowing my body to feel everything. Accepting that I didn't do anything to deserve this. Having patience with myself instead of going with: you shouldn't have been there, you should have known better, you should have... would have... could have... Accepting that sometimes bad things just happen. Allowing myself to feel like I never want to leave my house again, never want to trust people again, never want to love anyone because love hurts... and it hurts because just like that... I don't want the perpetrator to feel like this. I feel bad for them. I feel sympathetic. I remember that under every mean thing I ever did, there was hurt and pain... and then... I forgive.

And that might sound easy, but it is not. Sometimes I have to sit with it many, many, many times. Sometimes I think I got to the forgiveness... and then it comes back up. And forgiveness does not mean that I don't still have to live with it. It doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. It doesn't mean that everything is all better.

Forgiveness just means that I acknowledge what happened, good or bad - right or wrong... and make the conscious decision to not let it make me hate the individual. I can still feel intense anger when I see him/her. I can still have night terrors about what happened.

I just come to the realization that I don't want to hurt them worse than they must already be hurting. Hurting them back will not change what I have to live with. But it does change what they would have to live with. And why... why would anyone want that?

So to the girl who told me that I would be nothing because of my schizophrenia... I hope that you know that you are not nothing and that you have the same power that I have ... to be whatever you choose to be - gotta love freedom of choice!

So to the people who told me that people like me don't belong... I hope you find where you belong and that you never feel unwanted again. Oh and p.s. I know full well that people like me don't belong in the neurotypical world, but being schizophrenic wasn't my choice and you need to take it up with your deity not me. Take it up with my manager so to speak! *wink*

So to the individual(s) who got physical... I'm truly sorry for whatever trauma you had in your life that made you honestly believe that acting that way is okay. I'm sorry for responding with violence. I should have control over my reactions to your actions. I am sorry for that. I have to say though... I won't be sorry if you got into trouble because I totally felt like I was in oh, so much trouble when I had to report your actions!