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That's what I was thinking about; some hamburgers. Yeah, that's what I think about when I'm nervous and overwhelmed. Thinking about my storage unit which I had for tens of years of my memories. Of which I have to get it out at a certain time at a certain date or else they will...put them in the auction. H.P. says I need new things and to get rid of the old. They also imply that which is of the old has the bad energies from the past of which are not the best for me. It can even be dangerous for me if I introduce them back into my life, into my new situation, which is my new apartment.

But I really do not want to disappoint my family members who also have their stuff in there too. I'm also a person that likes to hold on to old things. Things that remind me of happier creative days, happier creative endeavors. And so it's like yeah... I am frantically trying to get the money so that you know. I really can't bring my heart to say it. So I am frantically trying to find ways of which to come up with the money before the date of the auction.

But the bigger thing particularly with myself is the fear of success. Like successfully coming up with a lot of money in a short time. Like successfully being financially independent. Like successfully not having to worry about a boss anymore. And that I can successfully work for myself. Which I have to admit it's quite exciting.

Alas however, there's that part of myself that intends to keep the poverty mentality...let's say that! And it's just not easy to get over that person who was that poverty mentality.

It was a voice in my head that says..."it is easy". But, I guess it's that part of me that says "oh let us be comfortable first". "Let us go into the flow". And so on. Into which, from history's past, has proven that I fall short from the projects goals. I'll get like 50 to 75% of it and something within my the core, myself, would cause me to stop.

How do I feel right now? I don't want to see myself say 'yeah, I would say it all depending on this or that or the other'. But I don't want to deceive myself. I feel heavy chested. I feel sorrow. I feel like crying. I feel teary eyed, I feel sadness. Damn. It's crazy.

Two sides: One side is the possibility of not having that which is my memories from the unit that I have. The other side is the possibility of success in earning lots of money quickly and that I can depend on myself to earn. That second part puzzled me. That I can earn what I'm worth. And yes, that I can be self-supporting where I was implied all my life even right now that I could not. Though I've proven myself that I can take care of myself. But what it is, is, getting rid of that narrative of the caretaker who advocated for everyone else. Who manage other people's money and had little to show of her own. Who have little of her own monies for herself. But managing people's lives, manage people medical insurances, household furnishings, their care. Being a caretaker is not easy to get away from. Even though it is not easy to live with either.

Stupid behind narrative! With the stupid behind... "you are supposed to take care of people" for nothing and have little or no financial means for yourself! These are so are the messages of codependency.

So now the fact of being by myself and being self-supporting; able to do for myself. What is it Now? This idea that I can or should “take care of others."? People who are capable of doing for themselves. I suppose they want to piggyback on a person and don't have to walk. But we know how that goes in life. To those who one day wishes to walk become atrophy. So then when they really need to walk they can't. Well, as somebody of whom add extra weight is extra capable of walking.