Positive disintegration

Such a weird day yesterday. I felt the need for some social contact the entire day. Being alone in the mountains is beautiful, but I have to consider my human needs for social interaction. I identified the lack of female contact and made a mental note that I need to get to know new people if I want to stay mentally healthy. Josh was out learning how to sail, and I knew I needed to reduce the pressure on him with him knowing that he is my only friend here. The symptoms of something not functioning well were already showing: lack of motivation and stuffing myself with peanut butter and dates. There was nothing I could do there and then, so I wasn’t very stressed out about it. I ate a lot, which made me feel guilty, but at least I got a good amount of work done as well.

Josh arrived home and I jumped on him like a little monkey. I quickly realised it was just me who spent an entire day alone, and he as a man would need some fire-gazing alone time. So I let him go and went into the kitchen to fill up my water bottle. I was surprised when he approached me, hugged me from behind and grabbed my shoulders and ass, and kissed my neck. I felt the smell of sun on his skin: he spent hours on the lake. We were planning to go for a run but I saw how exhausted he was. So that idea turned into cuddling and a half an hour nap. He looked like a sleepy boy after a long day of running around and playing, which is in essence what he had been doing. I pushed my body close to his, and inhaled the sun from his skin. He looked relaxed now, and I felt happy looking at him.

We went out for dinner and started talking about possible girlfriends for me. He kept using the word girlfriend. I didn’t know if he meant a female friend, or a lover. I only wanted him, I didn’t need anyone else sexually.

Later that night he said he always wanted to have multiple girlfriends. We were in bed, I sat on top of him in a riding position. My stomach cramped by hearing him say that.

What do you mean? Having two girls at the same time? Not just occasional hunting and sex?

He said no.

I have been thinking about this a lot. He continued. And I think in order to maximise the energies and productivity you need more than one person.

Productivity? Maximising something when it comes to love? Isn’t love completely aimless and just by loving love meets its purpose? Isn’t everyone trying to find his or her missing piece? Why assume there are more missing pieces? Isn’t the soul complete once you find your soulmate? Why create unnecessary jealousy, economic and logistical nightmare? I got scared. The idea of me not being enough scared me. I didn’t want to share him with another woman. Hell no.

So you want to have two girlfriends?

I find it to be a good start.

And you would want to love both of them? Can you love two people at the same time? Can you be in love with more than one person at the same time? Josh, I am not trying to say no to anything, but the idea of me having to share you with someone else is deeply disturbing.

It’s ok to feel that may. Think about it: for hundreds of thousands of years, cortisol and dopamine ruled our lives. Cortisol as the reaction to danger creating fear, making you move away from things. And dopamine, the happiness hormone, the moving towards hormone. Add some adrenaline to either one of them, and you get high emotional charge. Your biology is afraid of your children not being taken care of if you have to share me with someone. Yes, you’re not getting pregnant right now because we are using protection, but your body doesn’t know that. Your body thinks it will soon have a baby because we’re having bunch of sex, and is terrified that you will be left alone. But that fear is just a biologically encoded default setting. It is nothing more than fear. It has nothing to do with reality. It has nothing to with love.

I opened my mind for everything he was saying, but my heart was still racing, cortisol and adrenaline rushing through my veins, signalling instant danger.

Your fear doesn’t have any true foundation. For one, there are far more resources than what two people would need. There are enough resources for ten. If they are normal people and not like crazy Russian princesses.

You’re right, I guess.

All the fear that you are feeling is just insecurities. It comes from within. It has nothing to do with anyone around you. Zero. Double zero. It is just you.

Everything what he was saying was so true. If I know my own worth, if I don’t need any kind of outside confirmation, then nobody has emotional control over me.

True freedom is loving someone, but letting each other go your own journeys. You will never know why someone wants something or not. You will never be able to control the other’s desires. You have to acknowledge that he is another person, separate from you. I played every kind of scenario over and over in my head. What would happen if I loved someone, if she was the perfect match, but we had an open relationship? And at some point she finds someone and spends significantly more time with him. Or doesn’t want me anymore. If I truly loved her, shouldn’t I be happy for the happiness she has? She is her own person. You will never ever make another person want what she doesn’t want. And why should you? If they want to be with you, they will be. If not, not. But that’s them. Not you.

I came to the same conclusion with Michael. But it made me shut down and not develop emotions for him. I never fell in love with him because I knew there could always come a Valerie and then I’m out. And I don’t want that. I want to fall in love. I don’t want to limit my feelings.

Again. That is just insecurity. That you are afraid of experiencing pain. And Michael didn’t do it consciously. He was free to go after his biology, which shouted promiscuity, but never separated it from his higher self. And he gave in for Valerie’s request of being monogamous with her.

Isn’t the whole setup that you want unfair and only benefits the man? I mean, you don’t really have to confront any of your insecurities. You want to maximise the energy and productivity, but are we talking about yours or ours? I understand that, from a man’s perspective, having more women around sounds like paradise and beneficial. But why would it be advantageous for a woman?

Thats a good question. Ideally all parties involved would be in love.

I don’t know if I could do that. I don’t know if you could be in love with more than one person at the same time. I don’t know if I could be in love with a woman. How would you feel if the situation would be reverse? If I wanted multiple boyfriends, and I had you and Michael and wanted all of us to be in love at the same time?

Hm.

Isn’t it unfair? You don’t have to face your insecurities, which is losing your freedom. But I do have to learn to live with mine. And by the way, I am not interested in a reverse scenario with more boyfriends loving each other. So let’s not even discuss that further. Yes, I will always have Michael and Roger in my life. They have my unconditional love, but the my love towards them have changed to profound trust, loyalty and friendship, and is not the same thing you want to have with other woman.

I don’t think that love has limits.

But what if the women don’t like each other? I mean, I am sure that whoever you’d prefer I’d like her too, but what if that’s not the case?

Well, I guess, in that case, you’d have multiple monogamous relationships in your life, running parallel. But I don’t think that would create the most positive energies.

I do feel the need of female energies in my life. And I read the book Sex at Dawn. So my brain knows we are promiscuos. But I still have a cramp in my stomach. How do I get rid of that?

You’re asking the right questions and thank you for being so open minded. Conscious Response Training. Identifying what is your biology, and knowing it’s nothing more. Letting the feeling of fear and jealousy flow through your body, but assuming the role of the observer, and meditating on the feeling.

How do I do that? Do I go deep inside and reprogram my brain, and then we do the multiple girlfriend thing? Or do I dive in and work with whatever emotions come up. Both options seem uncomfortable, but growth and change are almost always uncomfortable. And ultimately, the reason I am here is to go to a next level. Even though the idea creates a cramp in my stomach, I also feel excitement and happiness because development and challenge give me enormous joy.

I know that. We have that in common. Getting out of our comfort zones.

Exactly.

So, to answer your question: it depends. It depends how fast you want to get there and how much discomfort you’d be willing to take.

I want to get there now. I don’t need a lot of time. I know how to reprogram my brain quickly. I have done that multiple times.

So the fastest way would be if you watched me having sex with another woman. I nodded. We could get someone from SA.

And I would just watch.

Yes.

And turn off my biology.

Just paying attention to your feelings and where they come from. It would be probably not as bad because you’d know she is only there for this. But you’d still see me fucking her and enjoying it, and probably her too. And that would be painful probably.

And then what? I should just refrain from having sex with you?

Well, your body would probably will want to have sex. As a desperate attempt to get the safety back. We might want to use that energy.

I see. I changed the subject. I wanted to do a case study on Friends. Do you know the series?

Yes.

Hm, that is a first. Great. So, I find the group dynamics of Friends to be a very interesting topic to study. The way in group preferences work. The number of 6. The living arrangements. The continuous flirtation and sexual vibes. I find 6 to a be an ideal number because it allows pluralism. Whichever way you go. If you are a woman, you have the number 3. You can always turn to someone from your own sex, but you can also choose. There is an option. There is always a second opinion. The tension on the others is relieved because of this. There is always someone from the same sex, who doesn’t live with you and can hang out with. As they often have relationships inside the group, the number 3 is the smallest number to satisfy pluralism when you want to turn to the opposite sex. One person is your partner, you can still have two options left. 6 is small enough to know everyone on a very personal level, to not let individual responsibility be lost (who ate what from the fridge), and the minimum number of to satisfy pluralism. The living arrangements are highly beneficial. Two men live together, and two women live together, in separate apartments, but just across the hall. The two living units in relative closeness can be seen as one when both of them want it to be. They all have free access to each other’s apartment, but they can also have their private sphere when needed. So the apartments can be separated or put together, depending on the situation. Synergies can be used when for example Monica cooks and Joey fixes the bathroom. The third man and woman live in different buildings. Close enough to be part of the daily interaction, far enough for their presence not to be taken for granted. And they often move, have the roommate setup redistributed. First, Monica and Rachel and Chandler and Joey live together. Throughout the series, there are setups like Rachel - Joey, Rachel - Phoebe, Rachel-Ross, Monica-Chandler, and Ross-Chandler-Joey. The other interesting view point to look at is the sexual dynamics. It is far more than friendship what goes on there. Being around people who are in line with your in-group preferences (age, ethnicity, nationality, place of origin, shared childhood), but different gender creates unspoken but still always present and safe sexual dynamics. They tease each other, they compliment each other, they make the friends from the opposite sex feel to be seen. Love and relationships develop also: Rachel and Ross, Monica and Chandler, Rachel and Joey. Joey is the continuous source of flirtatious energies towards all three girls. But having relationships inside the group is safe because you know that you can never be kicked out of the group. There are extremely high barriers to enter the group, it is basically impossible to be replaced. (The entry of Rachel in the first episode can be seen as a re-entry. She has lots of history with Monica and Ross.) Barriers to exit via being kicked out of the group will not happen. But the barriers to exit the group by one’s own decision are low. You just find a new apartment. In contrast to families, in this group everybody is there because they want to be there.

So the number 6?

I find it to be the best.

But you’d have to start with three.

I don’t know.

What you describe still doesn’t hit your comfort zone. they are not in a relationship. They are just friends. But definitely a good setup. But still avoiding your insecurities. Like when you talk about going out together and having sex with other women.

Yes, because I know they know that they are there just to have fun.

Yes. There is a hierarchy.

I have to know that I am your primary person. That they are just there to have fun.

But that’s not the energy I am looking for. That’s not being equal.

I don’t know…maybe if I knew I would be well taken care of financially, even with the other there.

Why wouldn’t you be?

I told him how much I wanted to have ultimately. It was way more than what anyone would ever need. He pointed this out. I took a deep breath and reflected on what I just said.

I guess I was just trying to trade having to live with one set of insecurities with not having to live with another one. A massive bank account is something I want out of another source of insecurities.

He smiled and hugged me closer. I needed this conversation to stop. It was getting late and it started to get overwhelming. So we stopped here, he kissed me goodnight and we went to sleep.

I mean, he did. I couldn’t. I needed to reach at least a temporary conclusion.

I believed that love should be easy. I knew I loved him. And I had to create the new definition of unconditional love. It is about to give love. He is there for you to be able to give love. I have to let go of the fear of what would happen if he didn’t love me back. So I decided to give it a try. Letting myself love him without expecting his love in return. Giving him the ultimate freedom.