Peanut Gallery

So, I guess it all started in 2019. I did end up finding out something significant because of my chronically online schedule. It all started when I started looking into the “DID community” via YouTube. I found an unnamed YouTuber, because I refuse to give them any more recognition, and I started questioning my whole life. What I found was that most of my life, I had been showing signs of Dissociative Identity Disorder. Now, hang in there, I know this must seem scattered, but I promise it all connects eventually. But back to my symptoms, the most prominent thing in my mind at the time was my unexplainable blackouts. I’d been having them since I was twelve, before I started using substances. I could recall them happening sporadically since I was five, getting rogressively worse as I grew older. The second most prominent thing in my mind was the fact that I heard voices that were not my own occassionally, previously I had thought it was normal and everyone experienced a conscious stream of thoughts that was mixed with your own but definitely weren’t your own thoughts, as they would talk back in response to your thoughts. Kind of complicated, I know. And finally, the third most prominent thing in my mind: I had extreme unexplainable gaps in my memory that had not been created through substances. It led me to think, “hey, maybe something IS wrong with me”. After watching many, many DID-related videos, I decided I’d try to call out and see if there was anybody in my head.

No response.

And there wouldn’t be a response, until late December, around a month after I had began calling out daily. By “calling out” I mean more of I would scream into my head, asking if there was anybody there, if anyone could hear me. One brutally cold December day, a harsh, grating voice finally replied to me. It said,

”WHAT? OH MY GOD, WHAT DO YOU WANT?”

I answered slowly, with consideration as to every word I spoke. “Who are you?” I asked.

”Why should I tell you my name? Have you earned that right?” He asked in a condescending tone.

I took a moment to think about that. ”Earned”? Tentatively, I gave my response. “Well, my name is Ellis, it’s nice to finally meet you.”

He takes a pause, and I couldn’t in that moment understand why I knew exactly what he was doing. He gave a “hmph” sarcastically and disappeared from my mind, almost in the same way that when someone leaves a room you can sense its emptiness. For months after this, I would have small irrelevant conversations with this unnamed man who lived in my head. Soon, however, I would realize he was much more than an imaginary friend.

Eventually, with time and trust building up, he tells me his name.

”Eden.”

I think to myself, ”damn, that’s a pretty name”. With this reveal, I suddenly am able to envision what this man looks like. He is staring at me with striking neon green eyes and a gaze that could pierce titanium. He is much taller than me, by at least a foot, which is pretty tall considering I am 5’6”. Side note here, I’ve always had height dysphoria so this may be a contributing factor as to why Eden is so much taller than me. His hair is dark brown, the same tone and shade as mine, however he has neon green ends that make a pattern like flames. This takes roughly all of my brainpower, both envisioning him and hearing him speak, and I end up getting a huge headache.

Quickly, as in a couple months, Eden and I become friends. He is sassy, sarcastic, and witty. He’s the type to always have the last laugh. One day, though, in March of 2019, he brings something to my attention with quite the seriousness.

”You do know I can control this body too, right?”

I look at him in my mind, eyes wide. Sure, I knew people with DID can “switch” personalities, but I kind of figured Eden was more of a figment of my imagination than an actual part of me and a disorder. I’m an artist, always have been, and so my imagination is vivid. “That must be it”, I thought, until he spoke again.

”You don’t believe me? Really? I mean, c’mon now, you can’t be *that* dense.” He sneers. He knew I was doubting his existence…again. “Okay, well, if you don’t believe me, watch this.”

It‘s kind of ironic, how he said “watch this”, because soon after I found myself waking up at the kitchen table, eating carrots and ranch. For reference, I, Ellis, literally DESPISE all vegetables. So, naturally, I put two and two together and realized it was two hours later than I remembered. As I watched the sun set, I realized this chapter of ignorance in my life was coming to a close. Rapidly.