Latest Stories
Most recently published stories in Psyche.
Seasonal Affective Disorder
It was a little over a year ago now, I started feeling stressed with work, I felt like I was getting the job done but doing it enough or to my best standard. I wasn’t sleeping much at home, I was sitting up late most sits just overthinking things, scrolling through my social media and just letting time pass by, whenever I did get time to eventually fall to sleep, I’d be woken up about an hour or two later by my alarm.... another day I would be dreading I’d think to myself. However, I’d put a smile on, get up, shower, get my work uniform on, and sort my son out for school - who at this time was going through a referral for ADHD, I did my best, got him to school and went to work, hiding how I feel. I stopped speaking to people, only if it meant I had to for my job, and decided I would keep myself to myself. No one knew anything, they just thought I was a normal happy 24 year old.
By Medina Chambers 5 years ago in Psyche
It's New To Me
Panic attacks. Never had one, Never understood one. Never knew anyone who had one to understand one. Now I do. Me. I've worked in a hospital for the past thirty years. I work in the operating room. Some days it's a quiet normal do your thing day. Some days I'm up to my elbows in someone else's blood. I've had people die on my table and I've watched my surgeon call time on a patient. None of this, on any level, made me ready for what was coming in my own life. I've worn a mask on my face for thirty years. A duckbill, a sticky, a green tape. All masks I've worn one day or another. I never thought I'd be ripping one off my face to catch my breath.
By Melanie Crane5 years ago in Psyche
The B Word
Thanksgiving, pandemic fueled Internet-wide binge eating, and The Crown's portrayal of Princess Diana has brought up a lot of ~unrequited trauma~ in the past few months (big shocker there). I learned a lot this year about how people with healthy relationships with food function, which frankly is weird as hell, and I learned a lot about how they react to those of us without healthy relationships with food. I'm annoying and can't shut up about my opinions on my lived experiences so let's talk about how you can be a better advocate for your loved ones with disordered eating.
By Lillie Superstar5 years ago in Psyche
Drug Psychosis
I was working fulltime as a registered nurse & midwife, while hiding my dark secret of the use of the illicit substance known as methamphetamine. I was injecting before attending work, it would make me feel enabled to perform my work easily. I was doing it for a year now, my workload was easy to handle. My ability to perform professional at work while under the influence diminished when I had the realisation I had a drug problem I could not control. Hiding the guilt & shame I felt for myself was becoming harder & the ability to compose myself lacked. The increasing worry I had of being exposed as a drug user overwhelmed me, the more I thought about it the more paranoid I became. There was an instance in my garage at home sitting with fellow drug users, I heard my work colleges voices attacking my friends with the dangers & legality of consuming methamphetamine, it was like they had tagged along in my headspace waiting for the opportunity to inform the users of their professional guidance. It was a war of rights to choose ones lifestyle without prejudice. I became increasingly unconfident I could hide my drug use any longer, how could they not know they were in the medical profession, they have the ability to observe ones deterioration in presentation. I arrived late, missed shifts & cried at work, found it harder to cope with my workload & lost time management skills. I observed the look of concern on their faces. there was an instance of skills compliance where I felt tested if I was performing duties correctly. I could hear their thoughts they were negative towards me & they didnt want me to be apart of the multidisciplinary team because I was under the influence of methamphetamine, they lost confidence in my ability, by this time I was using during my shift trying to gain power from this supposedly powerful drug. It was making me more paranoid they would be aware. The anxieties I felt were intense it was like everyone was observing me isolating me out. It was like the multidisciplinary team were talking about me & doing a case study on my performance, there was an increase in psychiatrists on the ward with feelings of them wanting to discuss my use with them. One day I was crying uncontrollably in the toilet and the manager would not answer my call & I heard her say to another team member I am not going in there to get her. I failed their expectations & they were not happy with me. I only became aware of this after admitting to myself I was unprofessional & should not be injecting prior to & during work. My guilt & shame started the lack of confidence in my work. I remember walking through the doorway to my workplace & the voices above my head said not today Tamika we are coming in with you, thats when I thought patients were doubting my ability to care for them, I even lost the confidence to greet them in a positive way, it was like they thought I should be the patient. I had one patient guiding me in the care I carried out for her, it was that moment my heart broke, I could not perform the job I loved. The hold methamphetamine had over me was too hard to conquer, it had me choosing the easy road of staying on the drug to get my rush I craved, I chose selfish pleasure over my life.
By Tamika Muir5 years ago in Psyche
Drug Psychosis
The guy who wanted to control me & have only me in his life was abusing me & threatening me with violence , sexual exploitation & discreditting me with anyone I knew including my children. We met off a dating site he was eager to meet me & seemed like the type of guy who likes to please people. He came to my house & hardly spoke a word, but was very polite & showed interest in what I had to say. He briefly spoke of his lifetime goal of searching for gold, he left without saying goodbye. Our next interaction was surrounded by strange occurences, I felt an excited rush over me when he would of been heading on the 2 hour drive down the freeway, later confirmed with a text message, when he arrived into my estate all the streetlights went off. I had thoughts of I am connected to this guy on a deeper level, society supported the beginning of this relationship. He was again polite, respectful & affectionate. We had sex that night , he acted if it was his first time & expected me to thank him, strange behavior I thought. Four days later I received accusing text messages from him of being a crackwhore, junkie & worthless, he sent several, I blocked him as I didnt deserve his abuse & thought he was a crazy psycho. A few weeks later I had a judgement thought that maybe I was too hard on him & should give him a chance to explain his behavior , he wanted to see me again, I wanted to see him too I felt drawn to him, I liked the energy he gave off when around him. Whenever we saw each other we had copious amounts of sex, he showed care for me & sincere attraction, I felt protected around him. The more I saw him & communicated with him the more the voices would try to interact with me, drawing me into listening to them & focussing on the importance they felt they had in my life. We were driving one day in my estate a voice asked him if he felt that, when I rested my head on his arm, he nodded his head. He was on the phone raised his hand up as if to turn the volume up & stated he could hear it four blocks away. It was like he was communicating with the voices I could hear. He used to wrap his arms around me like silencing the voices intruding in my every day life, they would quieten. It was if he had some sort of influencing control over them. While in my vegie garden one day a voice from over the fence told him to help me out & another time was them stating to him they didnt want to do that to me, they were just trying to communicate with me to awaken me to them watching me. I felt intimidated & freaked out, why were people attacking me in my own yard, when I wasnt doing anything wrong. The feelings of being observed & judged by those around me increased to paranoia, the voices kept making me aware they were there, asking me questions & forcing me to speak to them, I would speak to them in my head. My so called boyfriend increased his unusual behavior of accusations, degrading me & threatening me while not in my presence. While with me he acted as if nothing had happened & treated me very well, giving off a vibration of connecting energy. The voices would tell me it was true love, even when I was crying defending myself over the phone to him trying to convince him I was not the person he was implying. The situation got increasingly worse I was judging & analysing myself, thinking maybe I portrayed myself that way. I was always worried I was being observed for my actions, behaviors & thought pattern. It was like I was trying to be controlled by the whole community. I thought I could hear their thoughts about me & they would directly target my words in my head. I would look at the moon for comfort & they would tell me not the moon again, a voice asked because I could see birds overhead if I actually thought they were mine. It was if they were taking my appreciation of the little things away from me, like I wasnt allowed to be involved in anything around me, isolating me out. When strange occurences were happening my constant team of voices would express their part in that happening, like they were controlling everything around me, including nature & animals. It was pointed out to me by a friend who met him, inquiring as if he was the alias contacting her stating how much of a piece of trash person I really was. She showed me the messages & there was a picture of him entering me on my bed, I dont recall him taking that photo. I tried to explain the judgement I was feeling was from not being aware of who he was belittling me too, anybody could of been receiving these accusation messages. I became more intimidated & self judging about everything I did, I couldnt affirm to myself I was truly not the person he was trying to convince people I was. I became hollow, depressed, stressed & anxious, I felt powerless in defending myself against him. I knew he was treating me badly & was trying to convince people to not socialise with me taking my life away from me bit by bit, insuating my words were meaningless. I was so broken sometimes I could not visit people or go to the shop, I felt I wasnt worthy enough to communicate with my kids. I even covered my mirror so I could not see myself, my self confidence destroyed, my trust in people questioned, shame & guilt overcame me & I began to believe I was worthless.
By Tamika Muir5 years ago in Psyche
Learning to Love Through Hate
"Where were you in 2020" is going to be an ongoing conversations for the rest of our lives. This year has brought with it so many new challenges that for many of us have made us question our pasts, fear for our futures and look in disbelief at our present. I figure someday in the near future, when we meet new people, sharing our 2020 stories to get a picture of that person will be commonplace.
By Tony Sepulveda5 years ago in Psyche
