It's My Country

Imagine you're in a foreign land. Not being able to speak the language, connecting to the culture, nor understanding the protocol in any situation, hoping that the pocketbook dictionary you're desperately clinging to and your little knowledge before arriving will get you along somehow. Now picture that the language was your first, that culture was the one you were born into, and that "home-country" you remember isn't a physical place but can only be found in your mind. If you were able to do that vividly enough, then you would know how having Asperger's Syndrome feels to me; It's the closest way I can find to explain it to someone who asks me the daunting question, "What is that?" by unknowing people.

What it is is really is a high-functioning autism spetrum disorder or pervasive disorder, depending on which shrink you're asking. Though, if I even attempted to go down that way of explaining it, I'd lose some people with the terminology and just end up with a horrible combination of confusion and/or sympathy for something they really have no idea about, staring me back in the face. ( I learned this the hard way. ) I prefer to explain it as I have come to understand myself and other people: I am a foreigner.

Like a foreigner, my initial take on words or phrases usually leans towards the literal side. Of course, I've managed to memorize many phrases people kindly taught me through out the years, and I try to show off my skills by using them as best as I can but, sometimes my grasp on their uses falls short of not getting used to them completely ever.

There is also the constantly having to agonzie over, " How do these people interpret this? " How was I supposed to know that smiling and nodding at someone attentively while keeping eye contact meant I was interested in them? Yet, if I were to enter my natural state of staring at the floor and avoid being distract by their face at all costs, so I could listen to what they were saying, would have been rude? Or answering a question honestly after being asked my opinion, was not the right way to answer? Or that I was supposed to ask people questions about the things they are telling me about even though I have no idea what I am supposed to be asking? Knowing this would have been a lot easier if I wasn't fromt he land of Aspergeria.

Through this discover, I have developed a quirky and perhaps slightly insane way of coping with these small instances; by putting on a thick accent when entering a situation I knew I wouldn't really feel comfortable in. This includes answering the door to door sales people, shopping in the grocery store, or any sort of anxiety-producing thing that involved interacting with unfamiliar people.. suprisingly enough, I found that this was was how I finally got the most desired reaction of all: understanding that I was different than them. They could identify it right away without any question where the source of this strangeness was. They could identify it right away without any questioning wherere the source of this strangeness was. It was all bottled up in the wierd pronunciation of words and erratic tones that allowed them to open up to the idea of another not knowing their rules; and it was a load off my shoulders.

But, I am not from another country. Because of this, people held me to their standards. I am not saying everyone should be understanding of things all the time but, if someone was understanding of me more in the pas, I might have not had to go through the trouble of being diagnosed with anything in the first place. We were always told that we were all unique and special little snowflakes since we were little, but the truth is that those sort of thoughts are dumped out the window when social propriety takes the place of a more personal understanding of things.