Grieving Change...

I had a very intense day, in many ways, a few days ago.

It held new beginnings...

I realized that I am not scared of going back to court.

I realized that I can fire professionals who cannot seem to see me as a person outside of my schizophrenia... and that it is not my job to help change their bias that they have stated multiple times, nor should the time invested into our professional relationship and some good memories shared be enough to make me stay with someone who doesn't know if they believe me because my "grip on reality may be in question" - even with multiple other's affirming that my grip on reality is, in fact, quite solid.

I realized that I can call law enforcement when someone is yelling at me and making me uncomfortable. Plus? I realized that now I can speak to law enforcement much better! *smile*

I realized that I am not afraid of being under scrutiny about care of my children because I have nothing to hide any more. I am no longer afraid of telling the complete truth because no man or woman's consequences to me (if there are any), are less than the feeling of my heart being shattered when I was told that my silence hadn't protected the one's that I thought didn't know the complete truth. They hadn't been protected in any way, shape, or form by my silence before and so, now, the appropriate professionals can know the full truth.

I realized that I have a voice. A powerful voice that can be honed and focused now that I have learned what my body needed in order to keep my thoughts from getting so jumbled.

I realized that I can say no. And that it means no as long as I hold it as a no. I realized that equal voice actually means equal voice and now no one can use violence against me - whether threatened or actual - to get me to comply.

I realized that the remaining fear within me is quickly dying away. I'm not sure if it is my regular therapy sessions finally getting drilled into my head, changes to give my brain the needed boost for clarity, if I just needed time to heal, or if some of my new hands-on therapy sessions are releasing the fear that may have been stored in my muscular system. Or maybe it is just a combination of all of the above. Either way? I am not missing the fear as I know, first hand, that fear is one of the best ways to be controlled.

I realized that having nothing to hide is actually kind of scary to me. I've lived most of my life hiding one thing or another - and now being able to be fully transparent (with the right, safe people), while it feels amazing, also is taking a little bit to get used to.

When I first "came out" to my professionals that I had been lying about not having hallucinations and that I wanted to stop with the narrative of getting rid of ALL hallucinations (as most of mine are friendly or simply just neutral), it was hard! I kept catching myself trying to answer "no hallucinations" when they would ask and it took months before I felt completely at ease just stating the truth and not fearing they would use it against me.

I imagine it will be the same way with some "a" words that have been taking some time to get used to saying without feeling shame and guilt for letting bad things happen. I needed to forgive myself before I could share with the safe people in our lives... and those words? I still stumble over them in the same way I stumbled over answering yes to my hallucinations many years ago.

All of these were intense realizations that led me to my biggest realization: I am no longer the same person I was in April of this year and prior to that.

I have changed.

I have grown.

Both of which are good things - don't get me wrong - but right then in that moment? I started to cry. I grieved the loss of who I had been. And in some ways, I will likely grieve a few more times over the coming months as I continue to realize the loss of who I was - even though I am loving the woman I am becoming!

It wasn't a terribly painful realization though. In times past, tears have been painful and felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest leading to a panic attack to escape the intensity of the storm. This time? This time the storm was painful, but instead of trying to escape the storm, I choose to lean into it and sit with my tears. No shaming myself for mourning the changes that life has given me or giving into the feeling that I should hide who I am. Just allowing the clouds to be with me for a while.

I was honestly surprised when the emotions passed only about 40 minutes later without the migraine that often follows my tears. It is okay to grieve what once was hoped for, what once you believed, and who you used to be. Grieving is an integral part of of acceptance and moving forward - and I am so glad that now I feel like I can accept the grief without feeling the urge to run away and hide from my own emotions!

And, the best part? I then moved on with my day and had a beautiful, relaxing time with some friends (new and old); a great hands-on therapy session; and finally worked up the nerve to outright ask some questions that I have been downright terrified to ask (myself and some friends).

I am very proud of who I am becoming - in so many different ways! *smile*