Enduring the Storms

Today has been hard. Strike that.

This week has been hard. Strike that.

This month has been hard. Strike that.

This quarter has been hard. Strike that.

The last six months have been hard. Strike that.

This year has been hard. Strike that.

My life has been really hard for a really long time.

It just hasn't been until lately (about 2-3 months) that I am actually feeling my feelings... and today I opened a package that I didn't really want to open because I don't feel like I deserve love right now... it was a package for me of stickers for the hard days.

The sticker I have pictured above jumped out at me: "If you want to sit in a position where no one can sit, you have to endure unbearable feelings."

I'm going to write this from my perspective, but this applies to everyone.

I want to be a good parent for my kids. That means that I have to endure the heart break of when they get angry and say cruel things in the heat of the moment... and forgive and love them anyway because that is the job description of being a parent.

I want to live independently and be as independent as possible in my life. That means that I have to endure the anxiousness and worry that comes with finding new professionals; the depths of sadness and grief of losing old ones; and the fear that what works for me will be taken away at a moments notice - usually the moment when I need it the most - and do what needs to be done (letting people in) despite that fear.

I want to help other people with mental illness as well as help dispel stigma around mental illness. That means that I have to be honest and transparent - even when I really don't want to be vulnerable. It means that I have to endure the feelings of shame about even my darker sides. It means that I have to endure the fear that I will fall apart because I might not be strong enough to withstand someone using my illness against me (even though I have already lived through that on a few different occasions and I am still here to speak up). It means that I have to try to show up for my business even when I really don't want to.

I want meaningful connections and friendships. That means that I have be willing to endure rejection from people that I connected with; that means that I have to be willing to expand my comfort zone to include talking to and meeting new people; & that means that I have to be willing to endure the pain I feel when rejecting other people who are not aligned with the path I am seeking or who just aren't my cup of tea.

I want to grow as a person. That means that I have to be willing to endure all of my emotions and not allow them to suffocate me. That means that right now... I have to allow myself to feel shame for the tears; the sadness that I never seem to be enough for myself so why would I ever hope to be enough for anyone else; the happiness that I am able to recognize the emotions and what is causing them; the anger that I would even consider half of the stuff that I am considering doing; the jealousy that other people seem so much better at peopling than I am; the fear of another night of nightmares or, worse, the shadows coming back; the mirrored hatred and love for my best feature: my heart that cares so deeply that it feels like it's going to be the death of me; the irritation of having so many emotions at any given time; and the longing for the ability to shut them all off again even though I know full well that that isn't the answer.

I want to sit in a position where no one can sit: the position of being in control of my own life. Almost everyone wants that... but not many are willing to do the work it takes to actually be in control. Why? Because in order to control anything externally, one must control themselves internally.

I thought that sealing off my emotional side was how to do that. And... to be fair... I needed the emotions to be silenced when in a position where they were used against me on a regular basis. But, it doesn't work long term and controlling emotions is not possible. Controlling your reactions to them is possible... and that means that ultimately you have to endure the unbearable feelings.

Unfortunately for me, this also means that at any given time lately I feel so many emotions all at once and it takes me time to sort through the knotted ball of yarn that it feels like the emotions create... I don't like my delayed reactions. I don't like my emotions. I don't like being uncomfortable.

Yet, I want to create my own life and my own future and, in essence, be my own CEO of my own life. Which means... I have to endure the unbearable weight of this season.

Sink or swim? It is up to me.

But either option? Requires me to endure unbearable feelings.

The same is true for everyone's life... one just has to choose their version of hard and then endure any of the unbearable feelings that will inevitably surface as you claim the seat that you wanted in the position you chose.

Good luck claiming your positions!