Echo of a Better Time

Echo of a Better Time

I am alive but not living. The monotony of each day is breathtaking. Never before have I had such a feeling of wonderment at such mundanity and tedium. I sit patiently in an endless line of traffic trapped between an endless skyline of identical buildings. The déjà vu no longer has any effect on me because I know for a fact that I have been here before. Not only have I been here before, I have been here for years and probably will be for the rest of my life. I sit patiently in the traffic, preparing to walk into the greatest punishment of all. A desk job in a low rise complex, 9-5. I can already feel myself being melted alive under the bland neon lights. I can see the bags under my eyes growing deeper. I can feel the hunch in my back curling further. I can hear less and less of the commotion around me, I am desensitized, tuned out. I am lucid but I do not care about anything. I am alive but I am not living. I like to dream, I like to think. My thoughts drag me back to a better time, a better time when the worst pain was a grazed knee. The biggest problem was a ball stuck under a car. When “goodbye” meant “see you tomorrow”. I try to remember back to a time when the smiles weren’t fake and the laughs were genuine. The thought turns sour when I realize that fizzy drinks turned into alcohol, Our bikes became cars and an innocent kiss turned into sex. When getting high meant swinging on the playground. I remember when protection was just a bike helmet and that the worst thing you could get from a girl was cooties. I remember when my dad’s shoulders were the highest place on earth and my mum was my superhero. I remember when my sister was my worst enemy. When race issues were about speed and war was only a card game. The only drug I knew was cough medicine. These were my problems and I couldn't wait to grow up. I feel a pang in my heart every time I disappear down this rabbit hole because life was so simple and I took it for granted. As those memories fade from my mind and I refocus on the road ahead of me, the overwhelming numbness seeps back through my mind and heart. I revert back into my trance as I realize that those days are gone and there’s nothing I can do to bring them back.

I wish there was a way to tell you’re in the good old days before you’ve actually left them. Now all that's left is the memories. We must cling on to them like our lives depend on them, maybe our lives do depend on them. Without the memories we are hollow beings. We are alive but not living. Those days of life are long gone now; All that's left are the memories, an echo of a better time.

Like a switch flipping, my mind focuses. I see an opening in the endless line of traffic. A small opportunity to take the exit; A beacon of hope. Something comes over me and I seize the opportunity. I quickly yank the steering wheel and slam my foot on the accelerator. Before I know it I’m on the highway. I drive at a breakneck speed and don't let off. No destination, no past and no future. I live in the moment and forget all responsibility. No more job, no more tedium. I want to be alive. I don’t want to keep hearing the echo of a better time with no chance of reliving it. I want to live a better life. I need to live a better life. I chase the echo and don’t look back. I am alive.

-Cam Blackwood