Cam Blackwood

Echo of a Better Time

Echo of a Better Time I am alive but not living. The monotony of each day is breathtaking. Never before have I had such a feeling of wonderment at such mundanity and tedium. I sit patiently in an endless line of traffic trapped between an endless skyline of identical buildings. The déjà vu no longer has any effect on me because I know for a fact that I have been here before. Not only have I been here before, I have been here for years and probably will be for the rest of my life. I sit patiently in the traffic, preparing to walk into the greatest punishment of all. A desk job in a low rise complex, 9-5. I can already feel myself being melted alive under the bland neon lights. I can see the bags under my eyes growing deeper. I can feel the hunch in my back curling further. I can hear less and less of the commotion around me, I am desensitized, tuned out. I am lucid but I do not care about anything. I am alive but I am not living. I like to dream, I like to think. My thoughts drag me back to a better time, a better time when the worst pain was a grazed knee. The biggest problem was a ball stuck under a car. When “goodbye” meant “see you tomorrow”. I try to remember back to a time when the smiles weren’t fake and the laughs were genuine. The thought turns sour when I realize that fizzy drinks turned into alcohol, Our bikes became cars and an innocent kiss turned into sex. When getting high meant swinging on the playground. I remember when protection was just a bike helmet and that the worst thing you could get from a girl was cooties. I remember when my dad’s shoulders were the highest place on earth and my mum was my superhero. I remember when my sister was my worst enemy. When race issues were about speed and war was only a card game. The only drug I knew was cough medicine. These were my problems and I couldn't wait to grow up. I feel a pang in my heart every time I disappear down this rabbit hole because life was so simple and I took it for granted. As those memories fade from my mind and I refocus on the road ahead of me, the overwhelming numbness seeps back through my mind and heart. I revert back into my trance as I realize that those days are gone and there’s nothing I can do to bring them back.