Dark Ride

Depression Is often a misunderstood word. What upsets you, someone asks me? Are you thankful? Is there something bothering you? Why the long face or what’s with the flat expression? The answers to some of these questions may be valid or the questions themselves may be irrelevant. Of course, every experience is subjective. What matters to me is what I experience, not what the individual next to me does.

What upsets you or what bothers you? Something or somethings do bother me, but I may add that these things don’t have to be external. You ever hear the saying? “The worst bullies are the ones in your own mind?” Is it possible that one’s own conscious brain can seek trouble or worries and not necessarily oneself? I wasn’t looking for trouble, but trouble found me.

Why the flat expression or long face? Emotions are hard to find sometimes or even most times. Doesn’t mean I can’t feel anything, I just can’t feel very much. Especially when it comes to joy or laughter. But how much of life is enjoyment anyway? When the veil is lifted from reality, there isn’t much to laugh or smile about.

I am I thankful? Yes and no. It doesn’t really make a difference. I still have struggles to put up with. I can still have trouble finding meaning even though there is much good around me. Finding purpose is a complex element. It may take much time or effort to achieve the ability to find purpose or meaning.

What picture comes to mind when depression is mentioned? A man or woman who sits in bed and sobs all day? I can tell you that it is different for me. I don’t cry much. Instead, I get angry. It makes me think that a depressed person may have created the Incredible Hulk. “I’m always angry.” Is there a reason for it? Not all the time. In fact, most of the time there isn’t.

Depression more than just a mood disorder. It impacts one’s cognitive capabilities. It shapes one’s perception of reality towards a negative path. Decision making becomes a maze. Sometimes the path out of the maze feels endless. The brain goes through a series of natural disasters. Depression can feel like a fog that envelopes everything, it can feel like an unrelenting hurricane, or it feel like a wildfire engulfing its path in thick flames. Depression can change shapes and forms. It can find new ways to send the mind into a state of disorder and chaos. Any challenge is a mental challenge, but depression takes things up a notch.

Add anxiety and I get a mad cocktail of destruction. Fear and terror take over the wheel. The mind races, even motor skills become altered. It feels like a stack of bricks rest on my mind and make it a homework assignment for me to move my body. What kind of a monster is this? How did it develop from nature? Does it serve a good purpose?

One may see it as a blessing and a curse. Good can sometimes come out of the bad. When I’m in a depressive state, I become a ruminator. A sea of ideas elevates in my mind. Decision making may be difficult, but I ruminate enough to come to a good decision. There is a blessing in being self-aware. The mind can still think for itself. Though I may be feeling like I lose my mind, my senses and awareness are still intact. I’m ready to question things and realize the validity of these things I come to question.

Why don’t we add anxiety? It can be a shield of protection against mysterious foes. Let my mind imagine the worst scenarios possible. Although I become overwhelmed with fear and useless information, I still have the capability of realizing what fear may become real or not. Some may think that those with mental disorders are too smart for their good. The mind can race at a speed of 200 miles per hour or it can wander into the dark corners of the earth. My arms and legs shake up and down. I’m still a human being with problems like others.

Man was created weak. Every living being struggles. Turning weakness into strength is the ultimate goal. Even though I struggle, I can still function normally to a degree. Though I see depression as a curse, depression also brings me some insight to things that others may or may not understand. Though my depression resists, I also find resistance to live and try to grow.