ADHD

It's odd to overthink a realization after noticing the Shadow of it lurking around. Not an issue with the way you are as a person, but an issue with continuity. With keeping momentum.

Failure to launch.

Stalled out.

Delayed response.

This morning I heard something to the effect of, "Drive doesn't happen without gas, we need to push the gas pedal first to get in motion." I appreciated it because it spoke to the frustration I felt in a moment of limbo. It's these in-between moments that are the most uncomfortable. Lately, I have been finding myself amid many in-between moments. Going from a spin cycle to moving underwater.

Identifying ADHD as a factor in my cognition was a slow Rubick's cube. And as more pieces click and unclick I wonder about identification. One of the more difficult things to grapple with recently is how women tend to have a late diagnosis. Once layers of trauma slough off or are compounded, and we move towards a new chapter in life it becomes harder to maneuver. Harder to mask, to deny. What is wrong with me? Why is focusing difficult? Was it always this difficult to move through my day-to-day? Didn't I have more drive?

I wonder about our broken system. Am I supposed to compartmentalize it until I can address it professionally? Haven't I waited long enough? What does it mean for me? Why is getting diagnosed so difficult? Why is healthcare such an issue that an appointment is almost a pipedream? Is holistic care enough? It's obviously not all of me... Similar to how people are taught not to identify with their depression, anxiety, trauma. Yes, it is present. Yes, I have a monumentally difficult time maintaining interest in things that do not interest me. And when something does interest me I hyperfocus, dive in and then burn out with varying levels of intensity and time frames. The most frustrating part is the interest fizzling out. I admire the measured motivation to build upon an interest over time. Balance.

And now as I write this I begin to think of how long this has gone on in my life. For a lot longer than I actually realized until now. Down to the way I would become engrossed in a book for 6 hours at a time at 8-9 years old to escape whatever my reality was at the time. Which my mom was proud of because to her it was studiousness. Band for a couple of years (tenor sax then percussion). Varsity cross country for a couple of years. Drawing, writing, poetry, college, skating, bicycling, surfing, college, rock climbing, yoga, hooping, college, photography, college. Diving in, jumping out. Showing promise then stopping. That on its own has taken a toll on my self-esteem. As time and again I have become interested and then just moved on. Granted, I always appreciate the experience and didn't understand why I just didn't care to continue - thinking it was just another thing I gave up on so, clearly, I was the problem. Some of these hobbies I still do intermittently, but not enough to where I have a routine in practice. Maybe I am just harder on myself? Maybe the want of concentration gets in the way of concentrating enough to allow a flow.

Getting older - after having gone through a shithead phase, intermittent therapy, and shedding some layers of baggage - I've given myself the grace to see beyond the traumatized versions of my Self. I am healing some parts of myself, and I have healed other parts of myself. Which has also given way to noticing the wider range of ADHD as it presents itself. In turn, considering therapy anew for this gift while doing research to understand it. If I cannot see this as a gift then I would be doing myself a disservice. A Shadow is a part of ourselves that we shun and all the while it is waiting to be seen, loved and integrated because it is the gem that we unconsciously seek to uncover within ourselves.