Mental Health
Real Girl. Content Warning.
I feel like clouds of lightning in the dark, but the lightning is black. Static that is sharp and clinging to the binary in my mind. I am good. I am bad. I am angel. I am demon. Binary. On. Off. On. Stuck somewhere in the middle, between living and dying, like mushrooms born of decay. If I’m born of decay can goodness exist? My brain keeps telling me I’m broken. Useless. Deluded. Insane. Dead inside. But if I’m dead inside why does my heart hurt so much, so often. Like a gaping wound with him screaming at me from inside. Fingers clawing at me, trying to break out, to make me as broken as he is. Why is he even here? Why does he matter? Why are his nails so long, why do his teeth gnaw at me? Jagged stumps in bloody gums telling me I deserve this. I can’t get better because I’m not a real girl. I’m just a blow up doll filled with air and cum and hatred. Sit me on the couch and hold my hand, the squeak of rubber on plastic, of the air escaping out of the hole you crawled through, like a balloon stabbed with a toothpick. Thousands of tiny pricks. I look for blood to ooze, pour, spray, but then I remember I’m not a real girl after all.
By Kristen Campbellabout a year ago in Poets
Intrusive Thoughts
My thoughts come at me like a freight train and I’m stuck on the tracks. I try to run but my feet sink down like quicksand. Cement shoes holding me in place to shine a light on all the ways I’m broken. Shattered like the slammed storm door. broken like my heart when he said he could never love someone who looks like me. Self loathing and disgust packed on my back, making me heavy. I want the voices to stop but they play again in my head. An endless loop of not enough, rolling over me like waves at high tide. I can feel myself drowning, slipping down into the dark. the silence makes the voices louder, sharper. Daggers to my soul, cutting me like the thousand cuts I inflicted on my own body. Red jewels of anger seeping out of the thin lines on my skin.
By Kristen Campbellabout a year ago in Poets
