she's coming undone
Stuck in her subconscious mind
*PLEASE LISTEN TO THE SOUND WHILE YOU READ MY POEM ;)*
~
There's a needle threading my mind, stitching together thoughts I can't comprehend.
And multiple whispers trying to attack me. They are telling me to go join the other girls playing on the field.
They are persuading me to wear daisies in my hair, loosen my dress, and run carefree on the grass—just like the other girls.
I'm not like other girls-
The whispers sound secretive,
Anonymous,
I'm not quite clear if I'm hearing the right person. I hear all different voices.
My eyes feel heavy with the dust of half-forgotten histories, I'm trying to seek the horizon where the world begins to blur.
Make me disappear... Make these whispers disappear.
"Are you listening to me!"
"Stupid, stupid, STUPID!"
I'm awake. I'm not in my head anymore.
"Are you sure you d0n't want to play with us?"
I look up at the girl. "I'm good."
She smiles. Soon enough that smile fades, and her smile, her mouth, drops to the floor.
I shake my head and the words that come out of my mouth join the whispers invading my thinking. "It's not real..." I tell myself.
Her smile isn't a smile anymore, it's something beyond what a thousand words could ever capture.
Now I'm back in my head.
The world is continuing to spin.
It feels like a drug, to run away from reality. It must be a drug.
I can see the whispers this time. They are rapidly hazing around me, trapping me in~ within~ my mind....
I'm stuck, I'm drowning.... SOMEONE SAVE ME!
But no one can hear me, I'm in my own head.
The whispers disappear, the sounds evaporate, and there is nothing left... Where did they all go?
She comes back. "Are you sure you don't want to join us? You seem distressed?"
I'm awake. I'm not in my head anymore.
"I'm ok. Really, I am."- I reply.
My mind: Can't you thank someone who cares?
My head flings back, and the whispers come at me faster, drowning me, and trapping me in a haze that feels like a coma.
This time the whispers aren't happy or trying to convince me to step outside of my comfort zone. They are furious.
They are enraged. The whispers brutally argue with each other. The tension, the cacophony... It's stressing me~
All I hear is anger, it's filling up my body... Turning me into roses, I'm bleeding.
I'm screaming....
I'm screaming...
I'm screaming..
I'm screaming.
"HELP ME!"
I'm awake. I'm not in my head anymore.
This time, all the girls are staring at me. All the nuns collectively dash towards me.
Where did all my blood go? Wasn't I bleeding?
The moment suspended,
My breath is held,
There are still no answers.
The sky is still spinning from the shadows of old thoughts. Thoughts that somehow seem to find me again.
Even if I try to forget them, somehow, they seem to find a way back into my heart. My mind-
My mind was a house emptied of its own walls, each thought drifting like a stray paper lantern on a night where the stars refused to burn. The world continued to speak, but all I could hear was the silence of things forgotten.
I must becoming undone~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thank you so much for reading!
The setting is an orphanage in the 1900s!
This story is about derealization and being stuck in your subconscious mind, sometimes our intuition and inner voice tell us things we can't comprehend because they may appear direct and assertive and become things we may not want to hear. Mental Health, vulnerability, personal identity, and the pressure of external expectations are all themes!
About the Creator
Kodah
- Storyteller, Love/Romance, Dark, Surrealism, Psychological, Nature, Mythical, Whimsical
~𝓢𝓽𝓸𝓻𝓲𝓮𝓼 𝓬𝓪𝓷 𝓫𝓮 𝓪 𝓵𝓲𝓽𝓽𝓵𝓮 𝓭𝓮𝓮𝓹~
Reader insights
Outstanding
Excellent work. Looking forward to reading more!
Top insights
Excellent storytelling
Original narrative & well developed characters
Heartfelt and relatable
The story invoked strong personal emotions
Easy to read and follow
Well-structured & engaging content
Compelling and original writing
Creative use of language & vocab
On-point and relevant
Writing reflected the title & theme
Expert insights and opinions
Arguments were carefully researched and presented
Eye opening
Niche topic & fresh perspectives
Masterful proofreading
Zero grammar & spelling mistakes
Standing While Falling
Quotation from Friedrich Nietzsche "He who wrestles long with monsters should beware lest he himself become a monster. And if you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you. Man is not destroyed by suffering, but by the meaning he makes of it."
By LUCCIAN LAYTH4 days ago in Critique
Comments (44)
Kodah, this was so powerful. With the music I felt as if I were watching a dramatic black and white film. You did a great job setting the mood and conveying the emotions. Great work!
Wow! This was a brilliant piece, reflective of the paralyzing force of mental disease. Wonderful accompaniment of music, too - it absolutely adds to the dynamic writing.
First of all! Using music to set the tone for your story is a brilliant tool, I haven't seen anyone do this before. I love the dessent into madness and the song choice. Beautiful and 1000% deserving of top story, I can't wait to read more from you!
Also: Congratulations on your top story. Happy to see this!
Powerful, gripping, and relatable in so many ways. Kodah, this is an amazing piece of poetry; No, I must call this art. Your words found me recollecting personal instances of being trapped in my mind. Oh, how often I ignored my intuition, thinking it was madness when it was the subtle voice I was trying to shut out. The music you chose heightens the experience and I must tell you this is brilliant. Congratulations on your top story! I look forward to your next work of art!
Congrats on your Top Story & leaderboard placement girlie! It is very well-deserved! Way 2 go! 🎉🎉🎉
Wow, what a journey this was. What a beautiful, hypnotising rollercoaster of thoughts, of voices. Of moments where we feel so detached from the world, taken beyond and beyond into our own heads, among the people that live there. Where do we go, what should we feel… I loved the repetition of ‘I’m screaming’ I could almost hear my own scream, not audible but I can hear it inside my head. Then the music, when it got quiet at a point, it was very powerful. What a surreal but true experience this was. Outstanding! And congratulations on placing third place on the leaderboard for Most Discussed Stories 👏🏽👌🏽🎊🎉🎊
That feeling of being trapped in your own head, bombarded by thoughts and voices you can't control is so relatable-the shifting between reality and the internal world, the whispers, the anger, the fear – it all feels so real. That line about your mind being a house without walls – chills. Congratulations on placing on leaderboard 🎉
Wooohooooo congratulations on your Leaderboard placement! 🎉💖🎊🎉💖🎊
Congratulations on the Leaderboard win!!!💕❤️❤️
Yes!! Congratulations. dear for your leaderboard placement this week ✨💖 Here's to many more beautiful ones ✨😊
Kodah this is NEXT LEVELS! What a powerful piece to share with the community! Congratulations Top Storyan!
i had to read this first without the music but will be bookmarking it read again! it was a haunting but beautifully vivid read! there was so much I related to deeply i appreciate you writing about mental health so carefully but without sanitising it! this will stay with me for some time! congrats not only on the Top Story but writing this!
Beautiful 🥺💯
My mind was a house emptied of its own walls, each thought drifting like a stray paper lantern on a night where the stars refused to burn. The world continued to speak, but all I could hear was the silence of things forgotten. I must becoming undone~ ♥ Congrats on TS!
Congratulations on your top story!!!🥳
Boy, does this hit hard. Congrats on this top story!!
Hooray! Congratulations, Kodah!
Great work! Congratulations on Top Story, Kodah!
Screaming inside as things collapse and no one can help you? I've been there. Your admiringly mixed media art is truly real and stunning
You did a fantastic job with the poem... The eerie vibes really struck me and resonated with my thoughts. The music with it? Total perfection!! ✨🤝
This is a work of art! The music and your fragile words compliment each other beautifully! So many brilliant lines but this one called to me: "like a stray paper lantern on a night where the stars refused to burn" Congratulations and thank you for a truly wonderful Top Story!. Kudos Kodah!
Yayy! Back to say congratulations on your top story 🎉
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The world continued to speak, but all I could hear was the silence of things forgotten. I must becoming undone~ I relate to this one differently. Thank you for such beautiful words. You are such a gem