INVISIBLE MAN

invisible because

no one wants to see a naked broken man in pain.

miserable because

no one wants to see a naked broken man in pain.

workmates, colleagues, bosses, clients

want to know your getting better

when are you coming back too work

it’s been ages

your an expense on my balance sheet

your letting your team down

your ruining my business

your continued absence is

irrational selfish mundane

because

no one wants to see a naked broken man in pain.

doctors dismiss you

tell you it’s all in your head

tell you you’re imagining it

tell you you’re a hypochondriac

tell you your brain is in control

think positive

try some yoga

try some herbal remedies

a naturopath

acupuncture

think positive

push through it

drink water

mindfullness

try anything

think positive

because

no one wants to see a naked broken man in pain

specialists

very willing to take your money

money paid for in literal blood pain tears

money you have been entropically earning

money which now has to stretch to three times its value

money for your wife

money for your kids

money for your massive expenses

which are suddenly not so necessary

specialists

very willing to take your money

upfront sometimes

very willing

yet unwilling

to diagnose

to agree

to recommend

to confidently state

what you have

is chronic

is invariable

is not going to change

is a life sentence

all that studying

all that in the job training

all that money

and they still look very uncertain

because

no one likes to see a naked broken man in pain.

it’s your obesity

it’s sleep apnoea, no? well heavy snoring, obviously

it’s your bitterness and resentment towards the world

its your workaholic lifestyle

your too young to be chronic

your too young to write off as permanently incapacitated

it’s minute spurs in your bones which you cannot see but that must be the cause

it’s a bulging disc in your fifth vertebrae which we can just see here if you squint

it’s your work life balance

it’s your lack of exercise

it’s too much exercise

it’s your chaotic diet

it’s your toxic work life balance

it’s old age

it’s anything but chronic

because

no one wants to see a naked broken man in pain

toughen up

be a man

be strong

snap out of it

get up and go

power nap

think positive

you need to focus

you need to set goals

you need to plan ahead

pacing have you heard of pacing

incremental adjustments

minute incremental adjustments

think positive

have you tried mindfulness?

just look at your hand and mentally force it to stop feeling pain

tell your hand it is not in pain

tell it it is not in pain

but don’t talk to me about it

stop catastrophising

no one wants to hear you

no one wants to see you

naked

broken

and in pain

and finally it’s close friends

finally it’s family

exasperated

i don’t know what to do with him

he doesn’t want to get out of bed

he doesn’t want to leave the house

whenever he is with the kids he is angry

they end up crying

he ends up crying

i don’t know who he is anymore

i don’t understand what went wrong

what did i do wrong

what did i do to deserve this

he is not the man i married

he is not their father anymore

he can’t be trusted

he has lost it

he is angry all the time

we just can’t talk to him anymore

i can’t talk to him anymore

i am leaving him

he has already left us

because

no one wants to see a naked broken man in pain

not your workmates

not your boss

not your doctors

not your friends

not your family

and especially

not your wife and kids

but most of all

all this time

You

You did not want to see a naked man in pain

so you got worse and worse and worse

till you broke into pieces all over your

work home life

and now

broken naked and in pain

now

You finally see You

You finally see me

and You finally know

that You are a naked

broken man

in pain

until you are ready to see the naked broken man

until you can accept this sight that no one wants to see

You cannot possibly find a way to be

You must meet me

at the bottom

at the darkest spot

of the deepest well

within your psyche

I will be waiting there for you.

and when we meet

You will see it was not me you were coming to meet

it was You all along

your naked broken self in pain

hopeless and helpless

I can only hope your meeting is a reckoning

a spark

a rite of passage

a surging flame of force to be reckoned with to rise up

and survive.

So now

in this moment

at Your very naked self

vulnerable and broken

days weeks months years of

being invisible

now that you see

what will you do?

the only way to help a

naked broken man in pain is

help him heal

give him warmth

give him love

give him nourishment

and listen to his pain

he will whisper something to you

a whisper becoming a voice of reason

a resounding scripture of strength

I am a survivor

I am a survivor of a chronic illness

I am capable

I am strong

I am resilient

I will not be shunned

I will not be pushed to the side

I will not be labelled a liar, hypochondriac or thief

I am a survivor of a chronic illness.

And your awareness

Your capacity to change

Your capacity to define

Your capacity to to speak

Your capacity to express

Your empowerment

Is My Catalyst

And that is strength

that is a suit of armour

that is power

that is empowering

find that strength

and grow

and become

and shine as a