Almond Milk - The Taste of Death
Yeah...never offer me Almond Milk.For Donna Renee!
Do you know what I really love?
When people look at me and say
Straight-faced, full of intent
Full of feeling and seriousness
With no sign of a punchline
That they hand on heart believe
Almond milk tastes just as good
Just as nice or even a bit better
Than good old reliable cow's milk
With smugness across their faces
With a nasty funk on their breaths
Like they are the most marvellous
I know some people can't help it
They can't help their aversion
They can't help their allergy
They can't help their intolerance
I am sorry, but I will never agree
But let's be serious. Let's not lie
Almond milk tastes like death juice
Death juice with all the fun removed
You're probably screaming at the screen
What about sweetened or flavoured varieties?
What about them? They are flavoured death
Flavoured death in a (possibly) recycled carton
I love marzipan, frangipane, and Amaretto
Roasted, toasted almonds are delicious
Almond milk, though, deserves the drain
The drain or a fire that boils and burns it
Maybe then it would have some flavour
Maybe then it would not make me want to vomit
I hate even touching almond milk cartons
You can feel the death taste seeping out
You can taste the lack of joy in the air
That thick, creamy texture. Something that normally brings me joy.
With that thick, creamy, nutty, deathly flavour.
I can feel the anger bubbling away as I want to punch the carton and find the person that made the crap in the carton and
(redacted)
Take their almonds away from them and find them a new career
Sweetened almond milk is like death dressed up with no place to go.
It doesn't make it any easier to go down. It doesn't make it nice.
No, I do not want almond milk in my hot drink. Don't even offer it to me.
Take a picture of my face and put it on your coffee shop wall.
Make sure all your staff know and when you are training newbies, tell me.
Put the almond milk down and step away from my hot drink...you clearly should not be allowed to call yourself a barista. Give me my full-fat cow's milk and go and have a little cry in the corner.
Take your soy, hazelnut, oat milk, and stay away from my mug.
Leave the banana milk, though, because yum.
*
Thanks for reading!
Part of a challenge between Donna Renee and myself (and anyone else who is game). Check hers out here:
If you want to play along, write a poem (or letter or song or whatever) to your least favorite food. Obviously, I don’t much care for marshmallows. 🫣
About the Creator
Paul Stewart
Award-Winning Writer, Poet, Scottish-Italian, Subversive.
The Accidental Poet - Poetry Collection out now!
Streams and Scratches in My Mind coming soon!
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Comments (25)
I actually like almond milk so refused to like this post when I read it many moons ago! Felt like an attack! Sorry! 😅😂
Paul….. death juice?! Hahahah! 🤣 That’s a great line!! I laughed so hard through out this piece! It’s was great!! I love that you redacted a line… that was great! Probably smart not put the idea in writing. Lol I love that you and Donna had this challenge between the two of you! It really turned into something fun for everyone!
"Death juice" what a great line! Not a fan of almond milk myself, but I find oat milk has a great texture and taste!
"I hate even touching almond milk cartons." 😅 Well, you go this one right. If I wanted almonds in my milk, I'll just crush some on top lol. Probably not the best texture but that's beside the point.
Fun stuff! I did one as well if you want 2 check it out. It's called Spice Me not! 😁
“Good ole reliable cows milk” never let me down before!
I have one more word for you and Donna: anthology.
Haha!!! This is SO FUNNY, Paul! I’m with you on the Almond milk hater train! “Death juice” 😂 so perfect!!! I laughed out loud through this entire thing! Working on mine… such a fun little challenge! Great job!
You two are cracking me up! I just posted my ode to Sausage gravy if you want to read it.
Ha! Very clever. For those of us who are lactose intolerant, almond milk is an alternative, but it doesn't measure up to the real thing!
LOL! Very Clever! Nice work! :)
I just posted mine, if you'd like to see.
I don't like almond milk, but geez, I feel so sorry for it after that rant. Marshmallows, are ok. I can live without it. You guys are terrible. Can't wait to write one myself. Is there a deadline or something?
Haha. That's funny, but it's not that bad. Is it?
Hahahahaha so much hate. Which barista hurt you, Paul? 😂 Problem is I am laughing and sipping an almond milk coffee simultaneously (smugly haha) and now I'm all kinds of confused. Love your work, Paul! You are hilarious.
We all have to make our own healthy choices!!! Well, what can I say? Left a bloody ♥
I'm not a huge fan of almond milk and almond products. Neither do I hate them. They're like in the neutral zone for me hahaha. But thank you for this poem. Now I know how to get you 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’ve got Milk ! Lol. Fresh buttery milk from a local farm. If you haven’t watched “The Ranch”. Look for it, Sam Elliot makes it clear what he thinks of Almond milk.
OMG… this was hilarious! 🤣 “Sweetened almond milk is like death dressed up with no place to go.” Hahahaha! I agree that almond milk is foul. I don’t like cow’s milk either, though. Even as a small child I wouldn’t drink it. But when it comes to lattes, I need that full fat cow’s milk. Yum. Almond milk has such a weird aftertaste.
I'm sorry, but I prefer unsweetened vanilla almond milk to virtually any other variety of dairy or non-dairy beverage, especially with chocolate stirred into it. Raw tomatoes, on the other hand.... Can't keep 'em down.
Lol this almost made me hate almond milk! I don’t like almond milk bc of the added gums and whatnot; and full fat milk will always be my go to! 😊
Hahaha I love all the metaphors you use for this, that was really funny and really well done.
I'm with you! (and there's probably no way I'd try to compete with you and Donna)
I don’t like Almond milk either . Especially Almond butter
Death juice 🤣🤣 “Redacted” bahahahaha that was hilarious!! Okay yeah… It does taste pretty weird but idk if “death juice” is what I would have pegged it as 🤣🤣maybe more like “dirt juice”…? “Diaper juice”, perhaps? I do also kinda hate soy milk and almond milk and coconut milk but oat milk, come on! that’s just delicious and you can’t convince me otherwise!