Your Responsibility

Firm boundaries weren't familiar to me. My boundaries weren't always respected. At a young age, they were violated. It was hard forming firm boundaries for myself. I didn't know how to enforce one in the first place. That's something I never had the tools for. I wasn't taught healthy boundaries and growing up I wasn't able to demonstrate or form firm boundaries towards others. Especially in sexual relationships. I became an impulsive person and I didn't think about the consequences. Even if they would float up, I'd tie up a boulder and let it sink back down. I was indecisiveness, which came from the part that I wasn't clear with my own needs. Knowing our boundaries and needs are important and it keeps us from being manipulated and taken advantage off. They are the guidelines that we've put up to be able to have a safe, respectful, and supportive relationships with others.

Everybody will and has expectations. All humans do. Expectation also comes with the understanding that nobody will meet all of them. I've always expected others to make me happy, like that was their responsibility. When they have no control over that. Others can influence our happiness. But initially, our happiness is in our hands. When we have an expectation that wasn't met we feel disappointment. Whether it was that guy that ghosted you after those great 'vibes' shared or a broken promise a friend made. It's okay to feel disappointed. Disappointment is a normal emotion for not having our expectations met. Some will disappoint you but not everyone will. I've constructed my expectations, for everyone who walks in my life that they're supposed to stay in it forever. In the no sugar-coated reality, my expectations from others will not always be met and some won't be cable of meeting them. That's okay, that doesn't reflect on my value or my worth.

We have constructed blueprints from our childhood about our views on ourselves. Most of these blueprints are tucked away in our subconscious part of our mind. Which we have little access too and most of us are unaware that we're still following those blueprints. That's when the conscious and unconscious start battling. I was consciously telling myself I knew my worth although I was unaware that I didn't truly believe it. I dug deeper into my insecurities and the hatred I had. Finding out that I didn't trust myself and I saw myself as an object. I regularly acted through self-sabotage. Whether it was a new opportunity with a job or a relationship. Whatever it was, I'd sabotage it. Then later question why I did such a thing, an hour later or so. Self-destructive behaviours come from those blueprints we've made, thinking we're unworthy or unloveable.

It's confronting and challenging having to dig deeper and ask questions especially about ourselves. It's not all going to be rainbows and sunshine. It's not an overnight miracle where Santa pops in and clears all our toxic traits. From my experience; facing and challenging my toxic traits whether it was gossiping, backstabbing, making fun of others or spreading hate in general. It was a reflection on how I felt and saw myself. Practising compassion and forgiveness towards myself wasn't easy. Something I've never been good at giving to myself. It was tough and it took a lot go time and effort. Being aware of our toxic traits is a giant step. Although we have to be able to challenge those traits as well. I used therapy as one of the ways I challenged these traits. Therapist gives me a different perspective on my way of thinking. They ask questions that sometimes I've never been able to say out loud to myself.

We have to give ourselves a gentle reminder that we can not undo the past and nobody has a time machine. We shouldn't look at our past with regret and shame. Those experiences are the fundamental base of becoming a better version of ourselves. It's our responsibility to create that better version of ourselves whether we like it or not.