Food, will you marry me?

I didn't always have a positive relationship with myself. I've always remembered hating my body and comparing myself to others. I also used that hate and beamed it towards others. It's so wild uncovering layers about yourself. Never realising most of my troubles and worries stem from something deeper. I learned that I comfort ate frequently. I'd eat when I felt those unwanted emotions like sadness, shame or loneliness. Dealing with those difficult emotions you need a safe place you can unload all those boxes and therapy was the place for me. Sh*t is daunting and uncomfortable. Sometimes we have to dig deeper and ask more questions. Like every human; I put labels on things like food; there was 'unhealthy' and 'healthy'. There were times where I would put myself on a certain diet. Go cold turkey from all the 'unhealthy' food like chocolate or packets of chips. I've honestly never stuck with a diet. It always made me want to die. I restricted myself from certain foods that I found enjoyable. Which made me unhappy and expanded my self-hatred.

Realising my views and beliefs were outdated. They weren't making me joyful instead I felt a constant weight being added on each time. I decided to reconstruct my definitions and labels I've attached to my body and food; 'enjoyable' and 'not so enjoyable'. Understanding that having a good relationship with food isn't about restricting away the things we enjoy, but finding the balance from the 'enjoyable' and 'not so enjoyable'.

The thought of having to go to the gym, use to make me want to pull my hair out. I saw exercising and workouts as a punishment. I'd follow certain diets for some time. Then by the following weekend, I'd be binge eating bags of chips and chocolate. I'd tell myself 'Oh I'll just go work this off next week." By the end, I feel this flood of shame and the negative talk starts. I began to use exercise as a form of self-care. There were times where it was hard to find motivation and lacking confidence didn't help. I started with simple workouts at home, at my own pace. That's how I consistently built my confidence. Taking baby steps, I started trying new things. Something that moves my body. Whether its yoga, going for a walk, dancing around the house or a bike ride, whatever it was. It was something I enjoyed.

Coming to understanding that there is no need to compare ourselves to others. This isn't a competition. There aren't gold medals or trophies to be won. The same thing with cars. You can jazz them up and be proud of it. Yeah, awesome! Although at the end of the day it's a car. Its purpose is to get you from A to B. You should be able to admire someone else's beauty without questioning yours. Hating your body isn't a nice feeling. Nobody should ever feel that hate within themselves.

Altering our perception of how we see ourselves is difficult and challenging. Change is scary. For some, their past experiences has moulded their perception of change as something negative. Nobody is wired the same. Everyone has different ways of handling or avoiding change. Reconstructing the relationship with our body takes time, compassion and practice. Similar to learning a guitar. It's going to take time and practise, although eventually, you will be able to play a song on the guitar.

Reconstructing a blueprint that I've followed for almost my whole life. It is uncomfortable and unfamiliar. Although it is important to reconstruct that print. That's part of growth. There are things you learn and need to unlearn. This decision can only be made by you.

Our body isn't the enemy.